Couples Therapist: 5 Steps to Repair Conflict in Your Relationships | Eight Dates

Overview

Conflict is a natural part of any relationship, but how you handle it can make all the difference. Drawing from the principles outlined in the book "Eight Dates" by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman, here are five effective steps to help repair conflict in your relationship.

1. Recognize the Conflict Early

• Why It Matters: Addressing issues before they escalate is crucial. Acknowledging the conflict early helps prevent misunderstandings and resentment from building up.
• Action Step: Pay attention to emotional cues in yourself and your partner. If you sense tension or disagreement, bring it up calmly rather than letting it fester.

2. Create a Safe Space for Discussion

• Why It Matters: A safe environment allows both partners to express their feelings without fear of judgment or escalation.
• Action Step: Choose a comfortable, neutral setting for discussions. Establish ground rules for communication, such as no interrupting and using "I" statements to express feelings.

3. Listen Actively

• Why It Matters: Active listening fosters understanding and shows your partner that their feelings are valid. It helps to clarify perspectives and find common ground.
• Action Step: Reflect back what your partner says to ensure you understand. Use phrases like, “What I hear you saying is…” to demonstrate your engagement and willingness to understand their point of view.

4. Express Your Feelings and Needs

• Why It Matters: Openly sharing your feelings and needs helps your partner understand your perspective and fosters empathy.
• Action Step: Use "I" statements to express how you feel. For example, say, “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…” This reduces defensiveness and encourages constructive dialogue.

5. Collaborate on Solutions

• Why It Matters: Finding solutions together reinforces teamwork and shows that both partners are committed to the relationship.

Action Step: Brainstorm potential solutions together, discussing what works for both of you. Be open to compromise and make a plan to implement the agreed-upon solutions.

Conclusion

Repairing conflict in relationships takes effort and commitment from both partners. By following these five steps—recognizing conflict early, creating a safe space, listening actively, expressing feelings, and collaborating on solutions—you can strengthen your bond and foster a healthier, more resilient relationship.