Me (27F) and my fiancé (36M) of 2 years: His anger and disrespect are breaking me. What should I do? Hi everyone, I’ve been with my fiancé (36M) for two years, and while I know he loves me deeply, his anger issues and inability to handle conflict are wearing me down emotionally. We’ve been engaged for a while now, but his behavior is making me question our future together. From the beginning of our relationship, he’s struggled to control his temper. He gets upset over small things and then completely shuts me out when he’s angry. Early on, he’d excuse this by saying he was tired or stressed, and I tried to be understanding. But now, it feels like he’s saying, “This is just how I am—deal with it.” I’ve always been a sensitive and anxious person, and I’ve explained this to him multiple times. Yet, his behavior has only escalated. He often speaks to me rudely, gives me the silent treatment for hours, and avoids resolving conflicts in a healthy way. When I bring it up, he either dismisses my concerns or blames me entirely, insisting I’m the problem. Last night, something happened that pushed me to my limit. My sister and her kids are visiting us for the first time today, flying in from another country. I’ve been so excited and wanted everything to go perfectly. But during a minor disagreement, he got angry and started ignoring me again. Before bed, I tried to make peace. I said “Good night” and even turned on the flashlight on my phone to hug him, hoping to ease the tension. Instead of responding kindly, he snapped at me to “turn off the flashlight right now.” When I didn’t do it fast enough, he stormed out to sleep on the couch. I followed him, crying and pleading with him to come back to bed. I begged him not to ruin the night before my sister’s arrival, but his response was horrifying. He told me I “disgust” him and yelled at me to “shut the f*** up.” I’ve never seen this side of him before, and it completely shattered me. Eventually, I gave up and let him stay on the couch while I went back to the bedroom, devastated. This morning, I tried to address what happened, but he blamed me again, saying it was my fault for not turning off the flashlight fast enough. He refused to acknowledge how disproportionate and hurtful his reaction was. Now I’m stuck. My sister arrives in two hours, and I feel like I have to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine while she’s here for the next ten days. I don’t want her to see how broken I feel or suspect anything is wrong, but I’m emotionally drained and don’t know how long I can keep this up. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I often find myself apologizing and begging him to make peace after arguments, even when I know I’m not at fault. But this time feels different. His words and actions last night crossed a line, and I’m not sure I can move past it. TL;DR: My fiancé (36M) has anger issues and often treats me with disrespect when he’s upset. Last night, after a minor disagreement, he ignored me, called me “disgusting,” and told me to “shut the f*** up” when I tried to make peace. My sister is arriving today, and I feel like I have to pretend everything is fine, but I’m emotionally shattered. Should I forgive him, or is this a sign that I can’t move forward with him?

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Me (27F) and my fiancé (36M) of 2 years: His anger and disrespect are breaking me. What should I do? Hi everyone, I’ve been with my fiancé (36M) for two years, and while I know he loves me deeply, his anger issues and inability to handle conflict are wearing me down emotionally. We’ve been engaged for a while now, but his behavior is making me question our future together. From the beginning of our relationship, he’s struggled to control his temper. He gets upset over small things and then completely shuts me out when he’s angry. Early on, he’d excuse this by saying he was tired or stressed, and I tried to be understanding. But now, it feels like he’s saying, “This is just how I am—deal with it.” I’ve always been a sensitive and anxious person, and I’ve explained this to him multiple times. Yet, his behavior has only escalated. He often speaks to me rudely, gives me the silent treatment for hours, and avoids resolving conflicts in a healthy way. When I bring it up, he either dismisses my concerns or blames me entirely, insisting I’m the problem. Last night, something happened that pushed me to my limit. My sister and her kids are visiting us for the first time today, flying in from another country. I’ve been so excited and wanted everything to go perfectly. But during a minor disagreement, he got angry and started ignoring me again. Before bed, I tried to make peace. I said “Good night” and even turned on the flashlight on my phone to hug him, hoping to ease the tension. Instead of responding kindly, he snapped at me to “turn off the flashlight right now.” When I didn’t do it fast enough, he stormed out to sleep on the couch. I followed him, crying and pleading with him to come back to bed. I begged him not to ruin the night before my sister’s arrival, but his response was horrifying. He told me I “disgust” him and yelled at me to “shut the f* up.” I’ve never seen this side of him before, and it completely shattered me. Eventually, I gave up and let him stay on the couch while I went back to the bedroom, devastated. This morning, I tried to address what happened, but he blamed me again, saying it was my fault for not turning off the flashlight fast enough. He refused to acknowledge how disproportionate and hurtful his reaction was. Now I’m stuck. My sister arrives in two hours, and I feel like I have to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine while she’s here for the next ten days. I don’t want her to see how broken I feel or suspect anything is wrong, but I’m emotionally drained and don’t know how long I can keep this up. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I often find myself apologizing and begging him to make peace after arguments, even when I know I’m not at fault. But this time feels different. His words and actions last night crossed a line, and I’m not sure I can move past it. TL;DR: My fiancé (36M) has anger issues and often treats me with disrespect when he’s upset. Last night, after a minor disagreement, he ignored me, called me “disgusting,” and told me to “shut the f* up” when I tried to make peace. My sister is arriving today, and I feel like I have to pretend everything is fine, but I’m emotionally shattered. Should I forgive him, or is this a sign that I can’t move forward with him?

2 months ago

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation, and I want to acknowledge the emotional turmoil you are experiencing. Relationships can be incredibly challenging, especially when one partner has anger issues that manifest in disrespectful behavior. Here are some thoughts and suggestions for you to consider:

1. Recognizing Patterns: It’s essential to recognize the patterns in your relationship. You mentioned that this isn’t the first time you’ve experienced this kind of behavior from your fiancé. Repeated instances of anger and disrespect are red flags that should not be ignored. According to the American Psychological Association, unresolved anger can lead to significant relationship strain, and it’s crucial to address it before it escalates.

2. Understanding Emotional Abuse: The words your fiancé used, such as “You disgust me” and “shut the f*** up,” are not just angry outbursts; they are examples of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. In a healthy relationship, both partners should feel safe and respected. If you feel belittled and demeaned, it’s essential to evaluate whether this relationship is genuinely beneficial for you.

3. Communication and Boundaries: It appears that attempts to communicate your feelings have not been effective, as he tends to deflect blame back onto you. It may be helpful to establish clear boundaries regarding what behavior you will and will not accept. For example, you could say something like, “I cannot tolerate being spoken to in that manner. If it happens again, I will need to take a step back from the conversation.” Setting boundaries is a crucial step in protecting your emotional well-being.

4. Seeking Support: It might be beneficial to talk to someone outside the relationship, like a trusted friend or a therapist. A therapist can provide you with coping strategies and help you navigate your feelings. They can also help you determine if this relationship is healthy for you or if it’s time to reconsider your engagement. The American Psychological Association emphasizes the importance of seeking support when dealing with challenging relationship dynamics.

5. Consider the Future: Think about what you envision for your future. Do you see a partnership where both of you can communicate openly and respectfully? If his anger issues persist and he shows no willingness to change or seek help, you need to consider whether this relationship aligns with your long-term goals. Sometimes, love is not enough to sustain a relationship if fundamental issues are not addressed.

6. Taking Time for Yourself: With your sister arriving soon, it’s understandable that you want to maintain a facade of normalcy. However, it’s also crucial to prioritize your mental health. If you need to take a break from interactions with your fiancé during this time, consider doing so. Focus on creating a positive environment for your sister and her children, which might also help you gain some clarity about your feelings.

7. The Decision to Forgive: Forgiveness is a personal journey, and it’s not something you should rush into. You can forgive someone for their actions, but it doesn’t mean you have to stay in the relationship. Ask yourself if his actions indicate a willingness to change or if he continues to dismiss your feelings. If he is unwilling to acknowledge the pain he has caused, it may be a sign that he is not ready for the kind of relationship you deserve.

Ultimately, your well-being is paramount. It’s essential to prioritize your mental and emotional health. Remember, you deserve a partner who respects you and communicates with you in a loving and constructive manner. Take the time you need to reflect on your relationship and consider seeking support to help you navigate these challenging emotions.