It sounds like you're in a really complicated and emotionally charged situation, and it’s important to approach it with clarity and self-reflection. Here are some steps you can take to help navigate your feelings and make a decision about your marriage and your connection with the AP's wife:

1. Acknowledge Your Own Feelings
2. Start by recognizing that your emotions—anger, betrayal, confusion—are valid, even if the situation is overwhelming. It’s okay to feel torn, but understanding your feelings is the first step to making a clear decision. You might want to reflect on what’s most important to you right now:

“I'm feeling lost and unsure, and it's okay to not have all the answers right now. But I need to recognize my own pain, confusion, and the emotional conflict I'm facing.”

1. Evaluate Your Wife’s Efforts
2. Your wife is showing genuine efforts to repair the marriage, and it’s important to acknowledge her progress. Reflect on whether the changes she’s making feel real and whether they align with the kind of relationship you want moving forward. It might help to consider whether you see her as someone you want to rebuild with:

“She's showing up in ways I haven't seen before, and I’m starting to see changes. But can I truly forgive her and trust her again after what happened? Do I want this marriage to work?”

1. Clarify Your Relationship with the AP’s Wife
2. Your connection with the AP’s wife has grown emotionally, but it’s important to assess whether it’s based on genuine compatibility or if it's more of a response to your pain and ego. Take some time to reflect on the nature of that bond:

“Do I really like her for who she is, or is this just a reaction to the hurt my wife caused? Am I attaching to her because she feels like a safe escape from my own feelings of betrayal?”

1. Take Time Away from Both Relationships
2. Before making any final decisions, consider giving yourself space from both your wife and the AP’s wife. This will allow you to think more clearly without being swayed by immediate emotional responses:

“I need to step back from both situations. I’m not making any decisions until I can truly reflect on what I want without feeling pressured or emotionally overwhelmed.”

1. Consider Your Long-Term Happiness
2. Think about what you ultimately want in your future. Reflect on your values, your emotional needs, and whether you want to continue working on rebuilding with your wife or if it’s time to close that chapter. Also, think about the potential of starting something new, but whether that truly aligns with the kind of life you want to build:

“Will staying with my wife and rebuilding trust truly make me happy, or do I need to move on to find a fresh start where I can heal fully? Is my future with her, or is it with someone else—or on my own?”

1. Reassess Forgiveness and Trust
2. Trust and forgiveness are huge hurdles, especially after betrayal. Reflect on whether you believe you can fully forgive your wife and whether you can ever trust her again. This decision will weigh heavily on your ability to move forward, either together or apart:

“Do I truly believe she can change, and can I forgive her? Or will the betrayal always hang over me, making it impossible to truly heal?”

1. Seek Professional Help
2. Navigating feelings of betrayal, guilt, and emotional attachment can be difficult on your own. It might be helpful to talk to a therapist to help you process your emotions and clarify your decision-making:

“I’m struggling with all these conflicting feelings. Maybe talking to a professional could help me work through my emotions and make a clearer decision about what’s best for me.”

1. Be Patient with Yourself
2. Making a decision in this kind of emotional turmoil isn’t easy, and it’s important to be patient with yourself during the process. Give yourself time to reflect and don’t rush into a decision you’re not ready for:

“It’s okay to not have all the answers right away. I need to be patient with myself and take the time I need to process what’s happened and what I want moving forward.”

Conclusion

Ultimately, you need to reflect on what you truly want moving forward, both in terms of your marriage and your personal happiness. This is a difficult decision, and it’s important to approach it with patience and a clear understanding of your emotions. By taking time to reflect on both the past and the future, you can make a decision that aligns with your long-term well-being and values.