It sounds like a deeply painful and frustrating situation. It’s important to recognize that you deserve to feel respected, seen, and heard in your relationship, and it’s clear from what you’ve shared that your boundaries are not being respected by your husband. His actions are causing you to feel controlled, uncomfortable, and unseen as an individual, which is deeply concerning.

Here are some things to consider:

1. Your Feelings Are Valid: It’s completely natural to feel upset, frustrated, and even trapped when your partner disregards your autonomy. You’ve clearly expressed your discomfort with his decisions about your appearance and personal life. Your feelings of embarrassment and exhaustion are signs that something is not right. Feeling that your wishes and boundaries don’t matter in such significant areas of your life, like your body and career, is a huge concern.
2. Communication: Have you had an open, honest conversation with him about how his actions make you feel? It sounds like you’ve expressed yourself at times, but it might be worth having a direct, uninterrupted conversation where you can tell him how his behaviors affect you emotionally. If you’ve done this already and it hasn’t led to change, it may highlight how deeply ingrained this pattern is in him.
3. Boundaries: You’ve mentioned that your husband constantly ignores your boundaries and dismisses your discomfort. In healthy relationships, boundaries are essential to maintaining individual autonomy and respect. It might help to set clear and firm boundaries with him, explaining what behaviors are unacceptable and how they affect you. Setting boundaries isn’t just about saying "no"—it’s about insisting on your right to make decisions that affect your body, career, and personal life without feeling pressured or controlled.
4. Self-Care: It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of physical and emotional stress, especially with the surgeries and the ongoing pressure from your husband. Prioritize your own well-being, and seek professional help if you need it. Therapy, either alone or together, could help you navigate the complexities of your feelings, and give you tools to assert your autonomy and address your concerns in the marriage.
5. Evaluate Your Options: It’s important to consider what staying in this marriage means for you. You’ve expressed that you feel increasingly frustrated and controlled, which could lead to emotional burnout over time. Reflect on whether this marriage allows you to thrive as an individual and if your needs are being met in terms of respect, space, and understanding. Walking away may not be easy, but your mental and emotional well-being is crucial.
6. Support: Have you talked to someone you trust about how you’re feeling? Friends, family, or a counselor can offer support, validation, and help you gain clarity on your situation. They might be able to offer an outside perspective and give you the strength to make decisions that align with your happiness and well-being.

Ultimately, you deserve to feel in control of your body, your life, and your decisions, and it’s important to recognize when those rights are being eroded. It might be worth taking some time to reflect on what you truly want and need from your marriage moving forward, whether it involves setting clearer boundaries or even considering a future apart if things do not change.