It sounds like you're feeling very hurt and confused by your boyfriend's reaction to a seemingly small situation, and understandably so. The disagreement over napkins escalated quickly into a fight, and you’re left questioning what went wrong and why he’s reacting in such an extreme way. From what you’ve shared, it seems like the issue isn't actually about napkins, but rather about how your boyfriend is communicating his expectations and frustrations—and how he's treating you in the process.

Here are some key points that might help make sense of the situation:

1. The Overreaction and Tone:

It’s clear that the way your boyfriend reacted seems disproportionate to the situation. What started as a simple misunderstanding about whether or not you wanted napkins quickly escalated into him storming off, accusing you of being “difficult” and later calling you “retarded.” This kind of response seems harsh, especially when it’s about something relatively minor. It's not about napkins—it’s about how he’s choosing to express his frustration and, ultimately, how he's treating you.

2. Unspoken Expectations:

From your perspective, you didn’t think you needed napkins and didn’t want them, and you didn’t anticipate that this would be a problem. You assumed he was asking you if you needed napkins, not giving you an order. His tone and the way he reacted may have felt like you were being criticized or judged for something you didn’t know was important to him. It’s possible he has some unspoken expectations or “rules” about cleanliness or behavior in his car, but because he didn’t communicate them clearly, you didn’t know that he was upset about you not getting napkins.

3. The Lack of Communication:

This situation seems like it could have been avoided if your boyfriend had communicated his expectations more clearly. If napkins were important to him because of his car, he could have simply told you in a calm and respectful manner, like, “Hey, I like to have napkins because I don’t want the grease to get on my seats.” Instead, his approach—glaring at you, storming off, and calling you hurtful names—doesn’t create an open space for understanding. If he had communicated his needs upfront, you likely would have been more than happy to comply.

4. The Name-calling and Belittling:

The way he escalated the situation with name-calling, calling you "retarded," and accusing you of being "cruel" is deeply concerning. Not only is it unfair and hurtful, but it also shows a lack of respect for your feelings. Name-calling, especially in the context of a relationship, is not okay. It’s a form of emotional manipulation that can make you feel small, confused, and less valued. You have every right to stand up for yourself and let him know that this behavior is unacceptable. His failure to understand your side of things, combined with belittling remarks, can create unnecessary tension and emotional harm.

5. Feeling Unheard and Dismissed:

You clearly expressed your confusion about what went wrong, and instead of having a productive conversation, he dismissed your feelings, calling you "retarded." This leaves you feeling unheard and disrespected. It’s important in any relationship for both partners to feel understood, and when one partner shuts down the conversation like this, it leads to emotional distance and frustration. His refusal to explain what upset him or acknowledge your feelings only deepens the miscommunication.

6. Your Perspective:

From your point of view, you didn’t think there was an issue with the napkins. You thought you were trying to be considerate by eating the sandwich outside to avoid making a mess in his car. If he had communicated to you that napkins were essential to him for cleanliness reasons, you would have complied. The issue for you seems to be more about the way he’s handling the situation, how he’s not communicating his needs clearly, and how his responses make you feel belittled and confused.

Moving Forward:

It’s clear that the root of the problem isn’t napkins, but how you both handle conflict, unspoken expectations, and communication. If you want to resolve this, it’s crucial to address a few things:

• Clear Communication:

Both of you need to communicate your needs and expectations upfront. If cleanliness in the car is important to him, he should kindly explain that to you, rather than assuming you’ll automatically know. Likewise, you need to feel comfortable expressing your concerns and clarifying things that confuse you.

• Respectful Disagreements:

It’s important that conflicts are handled with respect. Name-calling, belittling, and accusations don’t foster healthy communication. Instead, try to express how you feel using “I” statements (e.g., “I feel hurt when you call me names”) and focus on understanding each other’s perspectives rather than escalating the conflict.

• Emotional Support:

You deserve emotional support and understanding, not hostility or cruelty. If you’re feeling overwhelmed by his reactions or unable to communicate effectively, it may be helpful to seek out relationship counseling. A therapist can help both of you navigate these patterns of communication and find healthier ways to approach conflicts.

Conclusion:

While it’s easy to think this argument is about napkins, it’s really about how both of you handle expectations, communication, and respect. His extreme reaction, name-calling, and failure to explain his perspective make it clear that there are underlying issues in how you communicate and respect each other’s needs. If you can address these communication breakdowns and learn to talk about your needs with empathy and patience, this situation doesn’t have to signal the end of your relationship. But if the pattern of disrespect continues, it could create lasting emotional damage. You deserve to feel respected and understood in the relationship, and it’s important for him to recognize that his behavior was unfair and harmful.