I’m so sorry that you’ve had to experience this kind of violence in your relationship. What you're describing — being physically assaulted by someone you love and trust — is deeply troubling. No one should ever be subjected to physical violence or intimidation in a relationship. This type of behavior is unacceptable, regardless of any anger or frustration that may have been felt.

Why Do People Engage in Physical Abuse?

There are many reasons why some people might resort to violence, but none of them are justifiable. Here are some common factors that might explain why your fiancé acted in this way:

1. Emotional Dysregulation: People who struggle with managing their emotions, especially intense feelings like anger or frustration, might lash out in physical ways. Sometimes, it can seem like they lose control or “snap,” but even in those moments, violence is never an acceptable response. The ability to manage emotions, even during stressful or tense situations, is a key aspect of healthy relationships.
2. Power and Control: Physical violence is often about control. For some individuals, hurting their partner is a way to dominate them, assert their power, or manipulate the situation to make the other person feel powerless or helpless. This is a classic tactic of emotional abuse — where the abuser tries to maintain control over the victim by threatening, intimidating, or hurting them. This behavior is deeply rooted in insecurity, entitlement, or a distorted view of relationships.
3. Blame-Shifting: Your fiancé’s email apology — which still placed some blame on you, claiming that his actions were somehow prompted by your behavior — is a clear indication of blame-shifting. This is a manipulation tactic where the abuser tries to deflect responsibility for their actions by blaming the victim. In your case, he’s trying to make you feel responsible for his violent behavior. This tactic is commonly used by abusers to avoid taking accountability for their actions.
4. Trauma Responses or Past Behavior: It's possible that your fiancé has unresolved personal issues or past trauma that may influence how he reacts to certain situations. While this doesn’t excuse the abuse, it can be a contributing factor. However, it’s important to recognize that no matter the reason or excuse, violence is not the answer. Healthy people in healthy relationships find ways to cope with stress and conflict without resorting to abuse.

Is Putting Hands on a Partner Ever Justifiable?

No. Absolutely not. There is never a situation in which physical violence is acceptable. Relationships are about mutual respect, trust, and care. Violence breaks that trust and leaves lasting emotional and physical scars. No matter what the argument or issue may have been, there is never a justification for putting hands on your partner — whether it's hitting, kicking, or any other form of physical harm.

This behavior indicates an unhealthy and abusive relationship dynamic, where one person seeks to dominate, control, or harm the other. Abusive behavior often escalates over time, so it’s crucial to recognize it early and take steps to protect yourself.

What Should You Do Now?

First, it's important to acknowledge that what happened to you is abuse. You are not overreacting or being overly sensitive. His actions were violent, and you are right to feel hurt, scared, and confused. Here are the steps you should take to protect yourself and begin healing:

1. Leave the Relationship: The most important thing right now is your safety. You've already taken a brave first step by moving out, and that's a crucial move. Leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult, especially when emotions are involved, and the person you love has hurt you. But this relationship is no longer safe, and staying in it could put you at risk of further harm. Physical abuse often escalates over time, so protecting yourself by ending the relationship is critical.
2. Seek Emotional Support: Reach out to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist. People who care about you can offer support, advice, and help you process your emotions in a safe, non-judgmental space. Isolation is a common experience for people in abusive relationships, so it’s important to lean on others who can help guide you through this difficult time. Talking about your experience can provide clarity, strength, and healing.
3. Contact Domestic Violence Support Services: Domestic violence helplines, shelters, and counseling services are there to help you through situations like this. They can offer resources, help you understand the dynamics of abuse, and provide legal guidance or safety planning. Many domestic violence organizations offer confidential, compassionate support, and they can help you understand your rights and options moving forward.

• National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA): 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)
• Women’s Aid (UK): 0808 2000 247
• Local shelters and legal assistance: Many local organizations offer practical help for people leaving abusive relationships, including housing support, therapy, legal aid, and more.

1. Seek Medical Care: Since you mentioned being at the hospital, it’s important to make sure you get checked out and receive any necessary medical treatment. If you’ve been physically harmed, documenting your injuries is crucial, especially if you decide to pursue legal action later. It’s also important to note any emotional harm caused by the abuse — emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical violence, and it’s essential to seek help for both.
2. Document Everything: Keep a record of all incidents of abuse, including text messages, emails, or any other form of communication that could show a pattern of behavior. If you decide to pursue legal action or need to take steps to protect yourself, having documentation will be invaluable. If it’s safe to do so, take photos of any injuries, and keep a detailed journal of events.
3. Trust Your Instincts: Your gut is telling you that something is wrong, and you’re absolutely right. Abuse is never your fault, and you are not responsible for your fiancé’s violent behavior. Even if he apologizes and tries to justify his actions, remember that his behavior was never acceptable. You have the right to feel safe, respected, and cared for in a relationship. If your partner truly loved you, he would never harm you, no matter the situation.

Moving Forward: Healing and Recovery

Healing from an abusive relationship is a process that takes time. It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions: guilt, confusion, sadness, or even the desire to return to the relationship. Remember, these emotions don’t define you. Abuse can cause confusion because the person who hurt you may also be the person you once trusted. But what happened to you is not your fault, and you have the power to make choices that protect your future and well-being.

As you move forward, prioritize self-care. This might involve seeking therapy, spending time with loved ones, and engaging in activities that make you feel strong, safe, and empowered. Set boundaries with people who have been involved in the abuse, including blocking or limiting contact with your fiancé, so you can heal without further manipulation or harm.

Remember: You are worthy of love, respect, and safety. You deserve a relationship where you feel supported, cared for, and safe. And you are not alone. There are many resources and people who care about your well-being and want to help you through this difficult time.

Your strength in seeking help and taking steps to protect yourself is inspiring. Take things one day at a time, and know that healing is possible.