It sounds like you're going through a really tough and confusing time, and it’s understandable to feel torn between your love for him and the uncertainty you're experiencing. Here’s a way to approach the situation:

1.Acknowledge Your Feelings: It’s important to recognize that your feelings of doubt, guilt, and confusion are valid. Relationships, especially long-term ones, can go through phases of change, and it’s okay to question the future, even if you’ve been together for a long time.

2.Consider Your Mental Health: Since you have BPD, some of your feelings might be influenced by your emotional experiences and struggles with commitment. BPD can cause intense emotional shifts and make it harder to manage relationship dynamics, so therapy might help you gain clarity on whether your doubts are coming from your mental health or whether they reflect deeper concerns about the relationship itself.

3.Communicate Openly: It’s crucial to talk with your boyfriend about how you’re feeling, even if it’s hard. He deserves to understand where you’re at emotionally. Sharing your concerns—without placing blame or creating unnecessary guilt—can help create understanding. It might be that he’s feeling insecure or unsure as well, and an open conversation could help both of you clarify where you stand.

4.Give Yourself Space: Sometimes pulling away a little bit—without making any big decisions right away—can help you gain perspective. This doesn’t mean ending the relationship but allowing yourself the emotional space to reflect.

5.Reflect on Your Needs: Think about what you want and need in a relationship. What are your long-term goals? Do you see yourself growing with him in a way that feels fulfilling, or do you feel more comfortable with some distance? Understanding your own needs will help guide your decisions.

6.Take It Step by Step: There’s no rush to make any drastic decisions. You’re not obligated to make a commitment like moving in or getting engaged right now, especially if you're unsure about your feelings. You can take things slower, which might help alleviate the pressure you’re feeling.

It’s okay to not have all the answers right now, but giving yourself the space to understand what’s going on emotionally and mentally is a good first step. And remember, your feelings are important, and so is the respect and care you show toward your boyfriend, even when navigating difficult emotions.