It sounds like you're in an incredibly tough and confusing situation, where your trust has been shaken, and you're feeling overwhelmed by the emotional impact of discovering your boyfriend’s interests and behaviors. It's understandable to feel betrayed and unsure about what to do next.

Here's a possible approach to help navigate this situation:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

Your feelings of betrayal, confusion, and anxiety are completely valid. The discovery has brought up a lot of complex emotions, especially since it was something you weren’t prepared for and wasn’t communicated to you openly. It’s important to give yourself permission to feel the way you do, without feeling guilty for experiencing discomfort or hurt.

2. Seek Clarity and Transparency

It seems like there’s a significant lack of transparency around this issue. You’ve expressed your need for transparency, and it’s crucial that your boyfriend continues to be open with you moving forward. He may have his own shame or confusion surrounding his interests, but that doesn’t excuse withholding important information, especially when it affects your relationship. Consider having another, calm discussion where you explicitly ask for his perspective on why he didn’t tell you earlier, how he views your relationship in light of these discoveries, and what he needs to explore about himself.

3. Understand His Boundaries and Interests

It’s clear that his interest in transgender women is something he’s been struggling with, and he may feel conflicted or ashamed about it. It’s important to ask him how he views this interest in the context of your relationship. Does he see it as something he wants to explore further, or does he want to remain committed to you and find ways to reconcile his fantasies with your needs? Exploring how he navigates his desires in a relationship is crucial for understanding whether he can balance them while being with you. You deserve to know if he wants to explore his fantasies outside your relationship or if he’s truly committed to you.

4. Reflect on Your Own Boundaries

While you’ve communicated your need for transparency, it’s equally important to think about your own boundaries. Are you comfortable with his interest in transgender women, or does it feel like something that threatens your sense of security in the relationship? Your comfort level is crucial, and if you feel like these interests are too much to handle, it’s important to recognize and respect that. It’s also okay if you need some time to process your feelings and determine whether this is something you can navigate in your relationship.

5. Consider Therapy or Counseling

Given the weight of this situation, it might be helpful for both of you to consider therapy—either individually or as a couple. For him, it could help him process any shame or confusion he may have regarding his interests. For you, it could provide support in managing your anxiety, depression, and feelings of betrayal, as well as help you gain clarity on your emotions and next steps.

6. Take Care of Yourself

It’s clear that this situation is taking a significant toll on your mental and physical health. Ensure that you’re taking steps to prioritize your well-being. If it’s difficult to eat or sleep, it might help to talk to a therapist or a close friend to unpack your feelings in a safe space. Practicing self-care and taking time to reflect on your needs, apart from the relationship, can help you gain clarity on what’s best for you moving forward.

Conclusion

It’s normal to feel hurt and confused when you uncover something unexpected in your relationship, especially when it involves desires or interests that weren’t communicated openly. The most important thing is to have honest and transparent conversations with your boyfriend, where both of you can express your feelings and needs without judgment. You deserve clarity and respect in your relationship, and if his interests are creating significant emotional distress, you may need to reevaluate whether this is something you can work through together. It’s also vital to take care of your mental health and seek support if you continue to feel overwhelmed.