It's natural to feel shaken when trust is broken, especially when you find out something significant that your partner has hidden. Let's break down some aspects of what you're feeling, and I’ll offer some thoughts on how you might move forward.

1. His Lack of Transparency

It's understandable that you feel hurt and confused by the fact that he didn't tell you about his past relationship and the situation with his ex. In relationships, trust is built on transparency and honesty, even when it involves difficult or sensitive topics. His reasoning—that he didn’t want to upset you due to your own past trauma—shows he was trying to protect you, but the lack of communication also created a sense of betrayal. While his intention might have been to spare you pain, not sharing this information sooner put you in a position where you had to discover it on your own, which naturally erodes trust.

What you might want to reflect on:

Do you feel that he truly understands why this secrecy is upsetting? It sounds like he might have thought he was protecting you, but has he acknowledged how his actions affected your sense of security and trust?

Can you imagine him being more transparent moving forward? Trust-building in relationships requires vulnerability and openness, and it will be important for him to demonstrate that he is capable of that, especially after such a secret.

2. Ongoing Communication with His Ex

The fact that they were still in contact during your relationship, even though their conversations weren’t flirty, is another valid concern. If the communication felt emotionally charged or unresolved, it’s understandable why it might raise suspicions for you. Even if they were arguing, that still creates an emotional connection that could complicate things, especially if he didn’t mention you during those conversations. It’s natural to wonder why he didn’t just cut off contact entirely or at least make it clear that he was in a committed relationship with you.

Consider:

How do you feel about him continuing communication with someone from his past while being in a relationship with you? Do you think it was healthy for him to keep talking to her, especially if those conversations weren’t bringing closure or positive resolution?

Has he taken responsibility for not addressing this with you earlier? Does he understand why it’s a problem for you that he kept it secret and didn’t mention you in those conversations?

3. How You Feel About the Situation

It sounds like you care deeply about him, but this situation has understandably created a lot of doubt and discomfort. You’re questioning whether you’re overreacting or if this is a major red flag. The answer depends on how you feel about the trust and transparency in your relationship moving forward.

Reflect on:

How does this situation align with your personal boundaries and values? Is honesty, transparency, and emotional exclusivity something you prioritize in a relationship?

Does the way he handled this make you feel emotionally secure in the relationship, or do you feel more vulnerable and uncertain now? Do you feel like you can rebuild trust with him, or does this situation make it harder for you to see a long-term future together?

4. What You Need Moving Forward

To rebuild trust and clarity in the relationship, it will be crucial to have an open conversation about how you both move forward. Here are a few steps you can consider:

Clear Communication:

Have a calm, honest discussion with him about how you feel. Share the specifics of why this situation is bothering you. It’s not just about the past, but also about how he communicates and handles sensitive matters going forward.

Discuss your expectations for transparency. Can he commit to being more upfront about things like past relationships, ongoing communications, or anything else that might affect your relationship in the future?

Rebuilding Trust:

Trust is something that is built over time, and it will be important for him to take concrete steps to show that he is trustworthy. This might include more openness about his relationships, setting clearer boundaries with his ex (if you’re uncomfortable with them continuing contact), and respecting your emotional needs.

See if his actions match his words. Does he take responsibility for how his actions have affected you? Is he willing to make adjustments to how he interacts with his ex, and does he respect your feelings about the situation?

Take Your Time:

Don’t rush into a decision about whether to stay or leave. This situation has understandably shaken your trust, and it’s okay to take some time to process your emotions and thoughts.

Think about what you want in this relationship. Is this a situation that you believe can be worked through, or does it feel like a dealbreaker for you? It’s essential to listen to your intuition and your needs when making these kinds of decisions.

Conclusion

It’s completely valid to feel hurt and uncertain after discovering this information, and you’re not overreacting by being cautious about rebuilding trust. Relationships thrive on communication, transparency, and respect, and it sounds like this situation has caused a lot of questions about whether those needs are being met. Take the time you need to reflect on what feels right for you, and don’t hesitate to have a frank conversation with him about your feelings. You deserve to feel safe and secure in your relationship, and that’s something you should prioritize as you move forward.