You're putting in the effort to communicate, but his responses are not aligning with what you need in terms of emotional support and engagement.

Here are some thoughts on how you might navigate this situation:

1. Clarify Your Intentions and Needs

From your description, it seems like your boyfriend is interpreting your concerns as a sign that the relationship might be on the verge of ending. This reaction likely comes from his own insecurities or a fear of losing you, but it also makes it difficult for you to express your emotions without triggering that binary "breakup or not" response.

What you can try:

Reframe the way you introduce the conversation: Instead of saying something like, "I’m feeling like we’re on the verge of a breakup," or “Are we breaking up?” try framing the conversation with the goal of collaboration. For instance, you could say, “I’ve been thinking about how we can both feel more connected in our relationship,” or, “I want to talk about ways we can make our relationship more fulfilling for both of us.”

Explain that this is about growth, not crisis: Reassure him that you're not suggesting an end to the relationship, but rather a conversation about evolving together. You could say, “I know this might sound serious, but I’m not suggesting a breakup. I just want us to be able to talk openly about how we’re feeling, and I’d love for you to engage in these conversations with me.”

2. Address the "Gaslighting" Dynamic

His response, “Well, it seems like you process your emotions by talking them out, so I don’t take those comments too seriously,” does sound dismissive and could definitely feel invalidating. It implies that your concerns don’t merit attention unless you’ve “come to a conclusion,” which can leave you feeling like your feelings aren’t being taken seriously.

What you can try:

Express your emotional needs: It’s important to tell him that you need to be heard and that your feelings are valid in the moment, not only when you’ve figured everything out. You could say something like, “When I come to you with my feelings, I’m looking for your attention and engagement in the present moment. It’s important to me that you take my concerns seriously as they come up, not just when I’ve processed everything and reached a conclusion.”

Help him understand the impact: Explain how his dismissal makes you feel. For example, “When you brush off my concerns or treat them as unimportant, I feel like I’m not being heard. It makes me question whether you care about my feelings, and that hurts.”

3. Create a Safe Space for Emotional Sharing

It sounds like your boyfriend may struggle with vulnerability or conflict, possibly because he sees these types of conversations as a threat to the stability of the relationship. His automatic response—“Are we breaking up?”—could be a defense mechanism to avoid facing deeper issues or difficult emotions.

What you can try:

Set clear intentions for your discussions: Before you dive into a conversation, make it clear that the goal is to find solutions, not to create conflict. You could start by saying, “I really want to talk about something that’s been on my mind, but I want to make sure we’re on the same page that this isn’t about ending the relationship—this is about making it better for both of us.”

Create a positive context for conversations: Encourage regular check-ins where you both talk about how things are going without the threat of a breakup hanging over them. You could set up “relationship check-ins” at a set time every week or every two weeks where both of you can voice any concerns in a calm, non-confrontational way. The goal is to normalize discussing issues without it becoming an “all-or-nothing” conversation.

4. Encourage Personal and Relational Growth

It seems like you're desiring more excitement and engagement in the relationship, but your boyfriend may be overly comfortable or complacent. You’re asking for more highs and lows, more depth, and for your relationship to feel more dynamic.

What you can try:

Introduce new experiences together: To break the monotony, suggest trying new activities, whether it’s traveling together, taking a class, or even simple things like cooking a meal together or going for walks in new places. New experiences can help shake things up and foster deeper connection.

Talk about growth as a couple: Have a conversation about the future—what you both want, both individually and as a couple. This can include emotional growth, adventures, and shared goals. For instance, “What are some things we can do to make our relationship feel more exciting? What would make you feel more connected to me?”

5. Reassess His Ability to Engage

If he continues to deflect or minimize your concerns, despite your best efforts to communicate, it may be a sign that he's not fully willing or able to meet you at the level you need emotionally. It's important to assess whether this is a relationship dynamic you're willing to continue to put effort into.

What you can try:

Gauge his emotional maturity: Is he willing to grow and work on these issues with you? If he continually downplays your concerns or avoids serious conversations, you might need to have a more direct conversation about whether this relationship is fulfilling both of your needs.

Set boundaries: Let him know what you're willing to tolerate and what you’re not. For example, “If you continue to dismiss my concerns or only engage with them when I’ve already figured everything out, I won’t feel heard, and it’s going to be difficult for me to feel emotionally safe in this relationship.”

Conclusion

You're absolutely right to want a relationship where both of you can communicate openly and grow together. For your boyfriend to engage more seriously, it will take both of you actively working toward better communication and understanding. While it’s tough when your partner doesn’t respond the way you expect, giving him clear guidance on how you’d like to communicate and what you need emotionally can open the door for more productive discussions. Ultimately, if he’s willing to put in the work and engage with your concerns, it can bring you closer. If not, you may need to reassess the compatibility of your emotional needs.