Your feelings are entirely valid, and it’s important to explore what’s making you feel this way. While lingerie and role-playing can be fun and healthy aspects of intimacy, the concern arises when it feels like your partner’s attraction is tied solely to a specific aesthetic or scenario.

Here’s a breakdown of what might be going on and how you can address it:

1. It’s Okay to Feel Uncomfortable

Your body is enough: Feeling like you need to wear lingerie to be attractive can create insecurities, especially if you’re not receiving compliments or affirmations about your natural appearance. It’s reasonable to want your partner to appreciate you in all forms, not just when you’re dressed up.

Healthy intimacy: Intimacy should involve mutual attraction and comfort, where both partners feel valued for who they are, not just how they look or what they wear.

2. Possible Reasons for His Behavior

Preference or habit: Some people have a specific aesthetic or fantasy they associate with arousal. For your boyfriend, it may be that lingerie enhances the experience for him, rather than being about a lack of attraction to you.

Unspoken insecurities: He may have insecurities of his own or lack the language to express appreciation for your natural beauty, leading to a reliance on external factors like lingerie.

Communication gap: He might not realize how this behavior is making you feel if you haven’t yet shared your perspective.

3. Evaluating Your Insecurities

It’s natural to feel vulnerable when it seems like your partner doesn’t affirm your appearance in the way you’d like. However, consider:

Has he shown affection in other ways? Does he express love and appreciation through actions, words, or gestures that aren’t tied to appearance?

Are you comparing yourself unfairly? His fitness level and triathlon participation might subconsciously make you feel inadequate, even if he’s never made you feel that way intentionally.

4. Starting a Conversation

Open, honest communication is key to addressing this. Here’s how you might approach it:

Share your feelings: Let him know how much you appreciate his interest in lingerie but explain that it’s beginning to make you feel like he only finds you attractive when you’re dressed up.

Ask for reassurance: Express that you’d love to hear him compliment you for your natural beauty or other qualities that matter to you.

Gauge his response: How he reacts will tell you a lot about whether this is a misunderstanding or a deeper issue.

Example:

"I’ve noticed that you really enjoy when I wear lingerie, and I’m happy to do that because it’s fun for both of us. But I’ve been feeling a little insecure lately, like maybe you don’t find me as attractive without it. I’d love to know how you see me, and it would mean a lot if you could share what you find beautiful about me."

5. Red Flags vs. Personal Preferences

Red flags: If he dismisses your feelings, avoids the conversation, or makes you feel unworthy, that’s a concern.

Healthy preference: If he reassures you, acknowledges your feelings, and makes an effort to show you affection and attraction beyond lingerie, it’s likely just a preference that can coexist with deeper intimacy.

6. Building Confidence

While your partner’s validation is important, your sense of worth should also come from within. Focus on the things you love about yourself—physically, emotionally, and intellectually—and surround yourself with people who uplift you. This can help balance feelings of insecurity.