Your situation isn’t superficial—it’s a reflection of your need to balance love with the practical realities of life, especially given your unique challenges.

Here are some considerations to help you navigate this decision:

1. Validate Your Feelings

Feeling conflicted doesn’t mean you don’t love him. It means you’re trying to make the best decision for both yourself and the relationship. Love alone, while powerful, doesn’t always overcome the practical challenges that come with a partnership, especially when health and financial stability are at stake.

2. Assess Effort vs. Circumstance

Your boyfriend’s lack of employment over three years is concerning, especially if he’s been resistant to opportunities you’ve suggested. Ask yourself:

• Is he actively working to improve his situation? It’s not about instant success but whether he’s demonstrating effort, persistence, and a willingness to grow.
• What is the root of his struggle? If it’s fear, lack of confidence, or other barriers, therapy or career counseling could help. But if he’s comfortable relying on others (like his mother) and not taking steps, that reflects a deeper issue.

3. Consider Your Health Needs

Your Stage 4 kidney disease adds urgency to your concerns. Facing a serious illness requires a partner who can contribute emotionally, physically, and financially when necessary. If your boyfriend isn’t in a position to do this and shows little progress toward getting there, it’s valid to question whether the relationship can support your future needs.

4. Clarify Your Boundaries

It sounds like you’ve communicated your fears and concerns, but you may need to set clearer boundaries or expectations:

• Timeline for progress: Is it reasonable to set a deadline for him to find employment or show measurable effort? If so, communicate this as a partnership goal.
• Mutual accountability: Explain that you’re not just asking for financial support but a shared sense of responsibility for your collective future.

5. Evaluate Long-Term Compatibility

• A relationship is about more than love—it’s about shared values, goals, and the ability to weather challenges together. Ask yourself:
• Can you envision a future where his current mindset changes?
• If not, can you accept the life you’re likely to have with him as he is now?

6. Prepare for the Emotional Weight

Breaking up with someone you love is incredibly painful, but staying in a relationship that feels unsustainable can lead to resentment or burnout. If you choose to end things:

• Acknowledge his positive impact: Honor the support he’s given you and express gratitude for the love you’ve shared.
• Be clear but compassionate: Explain your decision as one based on practicality and self-preservation, not a lack of love or care.

7. Seek Support

• You don’t have to navigate this decision alone. Consider:
• Talking to a therapist or trusted friend who can offer perspective.
• Leaning on your support system as you prepare for difficult conversations or transitions.

Sample Conversation

Here’s an example of how you might approach this conversation:

• “I love you deeply, and that’s what makes this so hard for me. You’ve been my rock through so much, and I’ll always be grateful for your support. But I’ve been reflecting on where we are and where we’re headed, especially with my health challenges and the realities we’re facing.
• I need to be with someone who’s in a position to share the responsibility for our future, and I feel like we’re not aligned in that way right now. This isn’t about me not loving you—it’s about the practical realities I can’t ignore. I want you to know this decision comes from a place of care, not judgment or resentment.”

Remember: It’s Not About Superficiality

Your concerns are valid and rooted in a realistic appraisal of what you need from a partner. Prioritizing your health, stability, and future isn’t superficial—it’s essential for your well-being. While this decision may be heartbreaking, it’s ultimately about creating the best life for yourself.