I feel like my (27F) husband (30M) is a bit too friendly with my best friend (28F), and I’m not sure if it’s just my own jealousy or a real issue. I need some advice on how to handle this. I’ll call my friend Hailey. I’ve known Hailey for nearly 10 years, and she was my maid of honor at my wedding. Hailey and her husband (28M) are in an open marriage. While it’s not something I’d ever consider, it works for them, and I respect their choices. Over the past few months, my husband and Hailey have become unusually close. He used to be indifferent toward her, but once he realized they share interests in the same games and TV shows, she suddenly became his favorite topic of conversation and the person he wants to spend time with. I didn’t think much of it at first, but recently, it’s started to bother me. For example, Hailey snapchatted my husband directly to invite him out for drinks. I wasn’t included in the invite, even though I’d recently confided in him about feeling down due to ongoing postpartum depression (I’m in therapy) and how much I’ve been struggling. We also have a toddler, so it’s not easy for both of us to go out together. On Christmas Eve, he went out drinking with Hailey and her husband while I stayed home prepping for Christmas and caring for our child. He said he’d only be gone for an hour or two, but by midnight, I still hadn’t heard from him. When I tried calling, he didn’t answer. He eventually came home close to 1 a.m., saying Hailey had taken his phone to stop him from leaving. Her husband backed up the story, but I was upset because if there had been an emergency with our son, I wouldn’t have been able to reach him. Then, on Boxing Day, my husband invited Hailey and her husband over to play games. Hailey, who is asthmatic, mentioned she was out of her inhaler, and my husband offered her our son’s inhaler, which she took home. Our son, who is also asthmatic, wasn’t sick at the time but struggles when he catches a cold. Now I have to get a new prescription before he goes back to nursery. My husband claims he didn’t mean for her to take it home but didn’t stop her either. Another moment that stung was when we were talking about upcoming movies in 2025. My husband mentioned wanting to see Chainsaw Man with Hailey. When I asked why he wouldn’t go with me, he said it was because I hadn’t seen the series (which is true). I suggested we find something else to watch together, but he brushed it off, saying one of us would need to stay home with our son. While he’s right, my parents have offered to babysit for us plenty of times. I’m struggling with whether these feelings are valid or if I’m overthinking the situation. I don’t want to seem controlling, but these moments have left me feeling sidelined. How can I approach this without creating unnecessary tension? Any advice would mean a lot.

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Nancy Marie-Pierre

I feel like my (27F) husband (30M) is a bit too friendly with my best friend (28F), and I’m not sure if it’s just my own jealousy or a real issue. I need some advice on how to handle this. I’ll call my friend Hailey. I’ve known Hailey for nearly 10 years, and she was my maid of honor at my wedding. Hailey and her husband (28M) are in an open marriage. While it’s not something I’d ever consider, it works for them, and I respect their choices. Over the past few months, my husband and Hailey have become unusually close. He used to be indifferent toward her, but once he realized they share interests in the same games and TV shows, she suddenly became his favorite topic of conversation and the person he wants to spend time with. I didn’t think much of it at first, but recently, it’s started to bother me. For example, Hailey snapchatted my husband directly to invite him out for drinks. I wasn’t included in the invite, even though I’d recently confided in him about feeling down due to ongoing postpartum depression (I’m in therapy) and how much I’ve been struggling. We also have a toddler, so it’s not easy for both of us to go out together. On Christmas Eve, he went out drinking with Hailey and her husband while I stayed home prepping for Christmas and caring for our child. He said he’d only be gone for an hour or two, but by midnight, I still hadn’t heard from him. When I tried calling, he didn’t answer. He eventually came home close to 1 a.m., saying Hailey had taken his phone to stop him from leaving. Her husband backed up the story, but I was upset because if there had been an emergency with our son, I wouldn’t have been able to reach him. Then, on Boxing Day, my husband invited Hailey and her husband over to play games. Hailey, who is asthmatic, mentioned she was out of her inhaler, and my husband offered her our son’s inhaler, which she took home. Our son, who is also asthmatic, wasn’t sick at the time but struggles when he catches a cold. Now I have to get a new prescription before he goes back to nursery. My husband claims he didn’t mean for her to take it home but didn’t stop her either. Another moment that stung was when we were talking about upcoming movies in 2025. My husband mentioned wanting to see Chainsaw Man with Hailey. When I asked why he wouldn’t go with me, he said it was because I hadn’t seen the series (which is true). I suggested we find something else to watch together, but he brushed it off, saying one of us would need to stay home with our son. While he’s right, my parents have offered to babysit for us plenty of times. I’m struggling with whether these feelings are valid or if I’m overthinking the situation. I don’t want to seem controlling, but these moments have left me feeling sidelined. How can I approach this without creating unnecessary tension? Any advice would mean a lot.

2 months ago

It sounds like you're navigating a complex emotional landscape, and it's completely normal to feel uneasy about the dynamics between your husband and your best friend, Hailey. Here are some steps and considerations to help you address your feelings and the situation constructively:

1. Reflect on Your Feelings

Before addressing the situation with your husband, take some time to reflect on your feelings. Ask yourself questions such as:

What specifically makes me uncomfortable? Is it the time he spends with her, the personal messages, or something else?
Am I feeling neglected? Consider if your feelings stem from a sense of being overlooked in your relationship.
Is there a history of trust issues? Have there been any past experiences that might be influencing your feelings of jealousy?

2. Communicate Openly

Once you've gained clarity on your feelings, it's essential to have an open and honest conversation with your husband. Here’s how you might structure that conversation:

Choose the right time: Find a calm moment when both of you can talk without distractions.
Use "I" statements: Frame your feelings in a way that focuses on your emotions rather than accusations. For example, "I feel a bit left out when I see how much time you spend with Hailey" instead of "You're spending too much time with her."
Express your needs: Let him know that you would appreciate more involvement and consideration for your feelings. You can say something like, "I'd love it if we could also plan outings together."

3. Set Boundaries

Discuss potential boundaries that could help you feel more secure. This might include:

Social outings: Agreeing that both of you will be included in group activities or outings, especially when it involves close friends.
Communication norms: Establishing guidelines about how often they communicate and what is appropriate, particularly when it comes to personal invitations.

4. Involve Yourself

Try to engage more with Hailey and her husband. By fostering a friendship with them, you might feel less threatened and more included. This could involve:

Joint activities: Suggest game nights or outings that include all of you.
Open dialogue: Share your feelings with Hailey as well, as she may not be aware of how her actions affect you.

5. Addressing Trust and Support

Given your history of postnatal depression, it’s crucial to have your husband’s support. If you feel that he is not being mindful of your mental health needs, discuss how he can better support you during tough times. Let him know that it would mean a lot to you if he could check in more frequently when he’s out, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable.

6. Seek Professional Help

If your feelings of jealousy and discomfort continue to escalate or if you feel overwhelmed, consider speaking with a therapist. They can provide you with tools to manage your emotions and improve communication in your relationship.

Conclusion

It’s perfectly normal to feel uneasy about your husband’s closeness with Hailey, especially when you're dealing with your own emotional struggles. By reflecting on your feelings, communicating openly, and setting boundaries, you can work towards a resolution that strengthens both your marriage and your friendship. Remember, it’s important to prioritize your own emotional well-being, and seeking support is a sign of strength.

Take your time with this process, and approach it with compassion for both yourself and your husband. Good luck!

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