Salome Faithe

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I’ve been with my boyfriend (35M) for almost 10 years, and I’m wondering if I’ve backed the wrong person. I’ve been trying to support him, but it feels like he hasn’t made any real progress, and I’m starting to question if this is sustainable. I (32/F) have been with my boyfriend, Ben (35/M), for just under 10 years. We met at a party through mutual friends, and from the start, everything just felt right. The connection was instant. It was easy to be myself around him—something I hadn’t experienced with anyone else before. In the past, I always felt like I had to be someone I wasn’t, but with Ben, it felt natural and comfortable. A bit of background: Ben grew up in a difficult environment. His father had health issues for most of his life and couldn’t keep a job. His mom worked multiple jobs just to keep the family afloat, and they now both rely on Ben for financial support. Ben didn’t get the chance to finish college; after his freshman year at community college, his mom was laid off, and he had to drop out to support the family. I didn’t come from wealth either, but I was fortunate enough to go to college, graduate with minimal loans, and land a job in my field right after. So, we come from different backgrounds, but I always believed that difference could be overcome. Lately, I’m questioning whether I was naive to think that. When we met, Ben was in a dead-end job, struggling with the weight of supporting his family. He seemed stuck, and I empathized with him. I loved him for his big heart and figured that, together, we could make things work. But now, after almost 10 years, I’m wondering if I was wrong to believe that. About a year into our relationship, we decided to move in together. We considered getting a small apartment for his parents, but financially, it didn’t make sense, so we ended up getting a bigger place so they could live with us. We’re both second-generation immigrants, so this wasn’t unusual for either of us. Over the years, we made it work. We talked about marriage, kids, and the future—but Ben always seemed uncomfortable with those conversations. I figured it was because he hadn’t had the chance to think about the future, always being in survival mode. A few years into the relationship, I got a promotion and a significant raise. I suggested that he take some time off to figure out what he really wanted to do—maybe go back to school. I even budgeted to support us while he figured things out. What I hoped would be a few months of rest and planning turned into almost two years of lounging and playing video games. He was stuck, and no matter how many times I tried to talk to him or suggest options, he would shut down. I even suggested therapy, and he agreed, but nothing changed. Eventually, I found myself going into debt trying to keep things afloat. He eventually found another job, but he still hates it and shows no sign of growth. Meanwhile, I’m someone who likes to plan—budget, set goals, etc. I’ve tried to make life fun by planning things together, but I get nothing back from him. He never learned how to budget and is living paycheck to paycheck. I’ve always wanted kids, but now I feel anxious about the financial burden falling entirely on me. It’s exhausting, and I’m at a point where I’m seriously questioning whether I should walk away. I’ve invested almost 10 years into this relationship, and I really hoped that, given the right opportunity, Ben would make something of himself. But now, I’m wondering if it’s my fault for expecting him to change. I feel like his family is fully dependent on me at this point. If I were to leave, it would be hard on them—and on him—but I’m not sure how much longer I can continue like this. I can’t imagine being with anyone else, but I also know I can’t go on forever in this situation. Is it time to cut my losses, or is there still hope that he can get out of this rut? Can this be salvaged, or am I just prolonging the inevitable? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.