It sounds like you are navigating a very complex and emotionally charged situation in your marriage. When trust is broken, especially through dishonesty and secrecy, it can be incredibly challenging to rebuild that trust and find a path forward. Here are some key points to consider as you reflect on your relationship:

Understanding Trust and Communication

Trust is foundational in any relationship. When you first expressed your discomfort about your husband's communication with a co-worker, it was an opportunity for him to be open and honest. Instead, his choice to delete messages and keep you in the dark likely intensified your feelings of insecurity and distrust.

1. The Impact of Secrecy

Secrecy can breed suspicion. When your husband deleted texts and phone calls, it sent a message that he was not willing to be transparent, which can feel like an emotional betrayal. This behavior can lead to a cycle of distrust where you feel compelled to dig deeper to uncover the truth. For example, by changing his passcode after you asked to see his phone, he may be reinforcing the idea that he has something to hide.

2. Emotional Manipulation

His statement that if you find something upsetting, it’s your fault for "digging" can be seen as a form of emotional manipulation. It shifts the blame onto you, rather than addressing the underlying issues of trust. This can make you feel guilty for wanting transparency and clarity in your relationship.

Evaluating His Change in Behavior

You've noted a significant change in his behavior since you mentioned divorce. While this could indicate a genuine desire to repair the relationship, it’s crucial to evaluate whether this change is consistent and sincere.

1. Consistency Over Time

Observe whether his actions align with his words. For example, is he actively working to rebuild trust by being more open about his communications and showing a willingness to discuss your concerns? Actions such as willingly sharing his phone and being open about his interactions with the co-worker are good signs.

2. The Role of Counseling

Consider seeking couples counseling. A neutral third party can help facilitate communication and address underlying issues. A therapist can guide both of you in exploring the dynamics of your relationship and help you both express your feelings in a safe environment.

Reflecting on Your Needs

Ultimately, you need to consider your own feelings and needs. Ask yourself:

• What do I need to feel secure in this relationship?
• Am I willing to give him another chance to prove he can be trustworthy?
• What boundaries do I need to set for myself to feel respected and valued?

Making a Decision

Deciding whether to stay in the marriage or move forward with a divorce is deeply personal. Consider the following:

• Trust: Is it possible for you to rebuild trust, and are you both committed to that process?
• Respect: Do you feel respected in this relationship? Respect is non-negotiable.
• Peace of Mind: What will bring you peace and a sense of security? Sometimes, this might mean walking away.

In conclusion, while your husband may not be cheating, the emotional impact of his actions and the resulting distrust can be just as damaging. Prioritize your emotional well-being and consider what steps you need to take to achieve the peace and security you desire.