My wife (38F) and I (41M) have been married for 15 years and together for 17. We had a great start, but things have really changed over the past 4-5 years. The biggest issue is our differing views on having children. When we first got married, we agreed to wait to have kids and focus on building our lives. Neither of us wanted children in our 20s, so we postponed the idea. But now, at 41, I’m ready to have children, and she’s still saying “later.” She agreed to stop taking birth control, but then insisted I use condoms every time we had sex. My biological clock is ticking, and I fear that if we wait too long, it may be impossible for us to have a child or risk having a child with disabilities due to our age. She won’t openly admit that she doesn’t want children, and I’ve started to lose trust in her words. Even if I came to terms with not having children, there are other problems. We’ve become emotionally distant. While she’s never been overly romantic, we used to enjoy spending time together—going on dates, watching shows. Now, she’s always on her phone, and we rarely do anything together. Our sex life, which was already low, has become non-existent since last August. During our 15th anniversary, we went to a lakehouse to have a conversation, and she told me that she doesn’t love me the same way anymore. I understood that love changes over time, but it felt like she was completely indifferent to our life together and unwilling to make any changes. I continue to show emotional appreciation, like giving thoughtful handmade gifts, but she rarely reciprocates. She forgets important dates like our anniversary, and when I try to help more with the housework, she criticizes how I do things. I’ve tried to make things easier by bringing in cleaning tools and offering to hire help, but she refuses. Even though I make much more money than her, she values her job over our marriage. She works late, comes home exhausted, and refuses to focus on building a family. Her job isn’t a high-stress or career-oriented position, and it’s hard for me to understand why she’s so committed to it. I’m certain she’s not cheating. It’s more that she seems completely content with a shallow existence, and I don’t know how to bridge that gap. If I divorced her, it would take a long time for me to recover and be ready for a new relationship. At my age (42-43), how would I even find someone to start a family with? Ideally, I’d like someone younger than me, within a "fertile" age range and without children from a previous relationship. I suggested counseling, and she agreed. I’ve been going to therapy individually, but after three months, she still hasn’t booked a session for herself. The worst part is, I still love her deeply. Every day, I see glimpses of the woman I fell in love with. When she giggles, my heart melts instantly. I don’t want to give up on us, but I’m lost and unsure of what to do next.

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Nichole Shae

My wife (38F) and I (41M) have been married for 15 years and together for 17. We had a great start, but things have really changed over the past 4-5 years. The biggest issue is our differing views on having children. When we first got married, we agreed to wait to have kids and focus on building our lives. Neither of us wanted children in our 20s, so we postponed the idea. But now, at 41, I’m ready to have children, and she’s still saying “later.” She agreed to stop taking birth control, but then insisted I use condoms every time we had sex. My biological clock is ticking, and I fear that if we wait too long, it may be impossible for us to have a child or risk having a child with disabilities due to our age. She won’t openly admit that she doesn’t want children, and I’ve started to lose trust in her words. Even if I came to terms with not having children, there are other problems. We’ve become emotionally distant. While she’s never been overly romantic, we used to enjoy spending time together—going on dates, watching shows. Now, she’s always on her phone, and we rarely do anything together. Our sex life, which was already low, has become non-existent since last August. During our 15th anniversary, we went to a lakehouse to have a conversation, and she told me that she doesn’t love me the same way anymore. I understood that love changes over time, but it felt like she was completely indifferent to our life together and unwilling to make any changes. I continue to show emotional appreciation, like giving thoughtful handmade gifts, but she rarely reciprocates. She forgets important dates like our anniversary, and when I try to help more with the housework, she criticizes how I do things. I’ve tried to make things easier by bringing in cleaning tools and offering to hire help, but she refuses. Even though I make much more money than her, she values her job over our marriage. She works late, comes home exhausted, and refuses to focus on building a family. Her job isn’t a high-stress or career-oriented position, and it’s hard for me to understand why she’s so committed to it. I’m certain she’s not cheating. It’s more that she seems completely content with a shallow existence, and I don’t know how to bridge that gap. If I divorced her, it would take a long time for me to recover and be ready for a new relationship. At my age (42-43), how would I even find someone to start a family with? Ideally, I’d like someone younger than me, within a "fertile" age range and without children from a previous relationship. I suggested counseling, and she agreed. I’ve been going to therapy individually, but after three months, she still hasn’t booked a session for herself. The worst part is, I still love her deeply. Every day, I see glimpses of the woman I fell in love with. When she giggles, my heart melts instantly. I don’t want to give up on us, but I’m lost and unsure of what to do next.

2 months ago

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It seems like you're at a critical point where you're feeling frustrated, disconnected, and unsure of the future. Here are a few thoughts and suggestions:

Communication & Honesty: You’ve been clear with her about your desire for children, but there’s a significant lack of communication around it. If she’s not being upfront about her true feelings—whether she wants kids or not—this is a major source of tension. It might be worth having a candid discussion where she can express her true thoughts about children, without any pressure, so you both can understand where you really stand.
Emotional Distance: The emotional distance between you both seems to have escalated. It’s understandable why you’re feeling disconnected, especially when you feel like you’re putting in emotional effort without getting much in return. It could be helpful to have a conversation about how you're both feeling about your emotional bond, and whether she’s even aware of how distant things have become. If she’s not open to acknowledging this, it might make it harder to bridge that gap.
Counseling: I know you’ve suggested counseling, and she agreed, but three months without follow-through can be discouraging. Perhaps you could try a more direct approach, such as setting a specific date and making it a priority to work through your issues together. You could express that you want this to be a shared effort to rebuild the relationship and that both of you need to participate for it to work.
Self-Care & Boundaries: As you’re navigating this, don’t forget to take care of yourself emotionally and mentally. You have every right to want a partner who shares your goals and values. Setting boundaries in the relationship (especially regarding the importance of children and the level of emotional connection) might help you gain clarity. Consider taking time for self-reflection to evaluate what you need and whether this relationship is fulfilling those needs.
Making a Decision: Ultimately, you’ll have to make a decision about whether to stay or to leave. If the issues you’re facing are irreconcilable, then separation might become the best option for your future. If you feel like there’s still potential, you might want to continue working on communication and connection—but that requires both of you to be fully invested.

The situation is complex, and I understand how painful it is to feel stuck between love, disappointment, and unfulfilled desires. Whatever decision you make, be sure it’s one that aligns with your happiness and future goals.

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