Sadie Linton

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My spouse is a wonderful person—loving, loyal, and physically attractive to me. I care deeply for them and want them to be happy, but I’m struggling in our 19-year marriage. We married young, without much prior relationship experience, and we've grown up together in many ways. We have three children, and I’m concerned about how a divorce might affect them. However, I don’t know how we can both feel like our needs are being met in this relationship. From my perspective, and without being qualified to diagnose, I believe my spouse has been struggling with anxiety, executive function issues, and possibly perfectionism, OCD, and self-esteem challenges. Over time, it feels like these struggles have worsened and become more overwhelming for them. These issues create a cycle where anxiety worsens their executive function, and difficulties with executive function amplify their anxiety. We never lived together before marriage, so I didn’t see these struggles in full until we were committed to each other. Simple tasks—like choosing an outfit, shopping, planning, using technology, making decisions, or even initiating exercise—can be incredibly overwhelming for them. They often spiral into self-criticism and avoid things that cause stress, such as job searching, which they’ve delayed since leaving their last job in June. While I try to be understanding and empathize with their challenges, the constant stress and emotional spirals have taken a toll on our connection. I often feel more like a caregiver than a partner. I’m constantly managing their stress and trying to calm them down when they’re upset. Even when I show all the patience and compassion I can, it feels like my efforts aren’t fully appreciated. Financially, we need both incomes to support our family in our high-cost city. But despite offering to take on all household responsibilities to ease their load, it doesn’t seem to help. They handle the laundry, cooking, and tidying, but these tasks sometimes feel like distractions from larger responsibilities, such as job searching. I’m beginning to feel resentment because I need a partner who can share the burdens of life with me. I want someone I can count on to face challenges with me, not someone whose emotional state I have to constantly accommodate. I know my spouse needs someone who’s patient and understanding with their anxieties, but I’m not sure I can be that person, especially when any effort to talk about these challenges seems to result in conflict. I’ve started to express my dissatisfaction with the situation in a caring and concerned way. But my spouse often reacts defensively, saying things like, "Oh, you just want me to turn off my feelings?" or "Do you think I need to start taking little white pills?" They turn the conversation back on me, creating a narrative where I’m the one without compassion or feelings. But all I’m trying to do is start a conversation about my own needs. We went to a therapist for a few sessions, but we stopped after my spouse said the therapist was "taking my side" and "putting them on the spot" whenever the therapist asked them to share their own feelings. I feel like I can’t talk about these issues in private, and I can’t even express them in a therapeutic setting without it turning into conflict. It feels like I either have to accept the status quo or consider divorce, but neither option seems good. I’ve been trying to address and work through these issues since 2018, and it’s becoming incredibly exhausting. Time feels like it’s slipping away.