I (25F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (24M) for five years, and we’ve been living together for about a year now. A few months ago, he quit his job because it was causing him severe anxiety, and since then, I’ve been covering all of our living expenses. He feels terrible about it and is not happy being so reliant on me, but he’s struggled to commit fully to finding new work. While he’s applied to a few jobs, he hasn’t invested the kind of time and effort I would expect from someone seriously looking for a job. Lately, I’ve seen him in the deepest depression I’ve ever witnessed. He struggles to even pick up after himself sometimes, and I’ll come home from work to dirty dishes left out, then have to cook dinner on top of everything else. It’s starting to make me feel resentful, but I’m trying not to show it. About a month ago, he started getting professional help, which is a positive step, but I’m still unsure of what to do. He has access to my credit card for small purchases, and he uses it sparingly, but even those small charges—like gas or little things here and there—are beginning to bother me. I feel like I’ve been pointing these things out passive-aggressively, and I can tell it’s creating tension between us. I know he’s struggling, and I understand he’s going through a tough time, but it’s also been hard for me to keep shouldering the financial burden and household responsibilities. It’s affecting my emotional well-being, and I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my sense of self-worth in the process. I’m torn between feeling like I’m enabling him by picking up the slack and also feeling frustrated that he’s letting things get to this point. I’m wondering if it’s my fault for being too lenient or if it’s more on him for not taking responsibility and making real changes. I don’t want to walk away, but I also don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

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Viktoria Dione

I (25F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (24M) for five years, and we’ve been living together for about a year now. A few months ago, he quit his job because it was causing him severe anxiety, and since then, I’ve been covering all of our living expenses. He feels terrible about it and is not happy being so reliant on me, but he’s struggled to commit fully to finding new work. While he’s applied to a few jobs, he hasn’t invested the kind of time and effort I would expect from someone seriously looking for a job. Lately, I’ve seen him in the deepest depression I’ve ever witnessed. He struggles to even pick up after himself sometimes, and I’ll come home from work to dirty dishes left out, then have to cook dinner on top of everything else. It’s starting to make me feel resentful, but I’m trying not to show it. About a month ago, he started getting professional help, which is a positive step, but I’m still unsure of what to do. He has access to my credit card for small purchases, and he uses it sparingly, but even those small charges—like gas or little things here and there—are beginning to bother me. I feel like I’ve been pointing these things out passive-aggressively, and I can tell it’s creating tension between us. I know he’s struggling, and I understand he’s going through a tough time, but it’s also been hard for me to keep shouldering the financial burden and household responsibilities. It’s affecting my emotional well-being, and I’m starting to feel like I’m losing my sense of self-worth in the process. I’m torn between feeling like I’m enabling him by picking up the slack and also feeling frustrated that he’s letting things get to this point. I’m wondering if it’s my fault for being too lenient or if it’s more on him for not taking responsibility and making real changes. I don’t want to walk away, but I also don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. What would you do if you were in my shoes?

2 months ago

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It's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed and confused about your current situation. Relationships can be complex, especially when one partner is experiencing mental health challenges. Here are some points to consider that might help you navigate this difficult time:

1. Understanding His Situation

First and foremost, it's important to recognize that your boyfriend is dealing with significant anxiety and depression, which can severely impact his ability to seek employment and maintain daily responsibilities. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), mental health issues can lead to feelings of helplessness and low self-worth, making it challenging for individuals to take proactive steps in their lives.

2. Communication is Key

Open and honest communication is crucial in any relationship. It might be beneficial to have a calm and constructive discussion with him about your feelings and frustrations. Instead of pointing things out in a passive-aggressive manner, try to express how his current situation is affecting you. For example, you might say:

"I've noticed that I've been feeling overwhelmed with our living situation, and I want to talk about how we can work together to make things better for both of us."

3. Setting Boundaries

It's essential to establish healthy boundaries. While it's commendable that you want to support him, you also need to protect your own mental health and well-being. Consider discussing:

Financial Contributions: Talk about how you can both contribute to household expenses, even if it’s in non-monetary ways. For instance, he could take on more chores or responsibilities at home.
Job Search Commitment: Encourage him to set specific goals for job applications each week. This could help him feel more accountable and proactive.

4. Encouraging Professional Help

Since he has just started seeking professional help, it's important to support him in this journey. Encourage him to be open with his therapist about his feelings of inadequacy and his challenges with finding a job. Therapy can provide him with tools to cope with his anxiety and to take actionable steps towards employment.

5. Reflect on Your Own Feelings

It's vital to reflect on your own feelings and consider whether you are enabling his behavior. Enabling can happen when one partner takes on too much responsibility, allowing the other to avoid facing their issues. If you find yourself resenting the situation, it may be time to reassess your role in the relationship. Ask yourself:

Am I feeling overwhelmed because I am taking on too much?
What do I need to feel supported in this relationship?

6. Seeking Support for Yourself

Don't hesitate to seek support for yourself as well. Talking to a trusted friend or a therapist can provide you with perspective and coping strategies. It’s important to have your own support system, especially when dealing with a partner's mental health issues.

7. Consider the Future

Ultimately, you need to consider what you want for your future. If things do not change and you continue to feel resentful, you may need to think about whether this relationship is meeting your needs. It's okay to prioritize your well-being and happiness.

In conclusion, your feelings are valid, and it's essential to address them openly with your boyfriend. By fostering communication, setting boundaries, and encouraging professional help, you can work together to navigate this challenging time. Remember, both partners in a relationship should feel valued and supported.

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