I (20M) recently had a conversation with my girlfriend (20F), and she told me that she doesn't feel special in our relationship. She mentioned that no one, including me, has ever done anything "special" for her, and it really struck me. I’ve heard her out, and while I understand her wanting more romantic gestures like planned surprises, letters, etc., I’m struggling to understand her feelings. I’m more than happy to work on making those thoughtful gestures a bigger part of our relationship, but here’s the thing: she said that if she has to tell me what she wants, then anything I do won’t feel special anymore. And that really threw me off. I feel like I can’t just guess what she wants if she doesn’t tell me, much like if I were to get mad at her for not buying me my favorite game without asking. How am I supposed to know? I do try to show her I care in my own way. For example, I’ve walked to Taco Bell in the cold to bring her food when she’s been in bed, ordered DoorDash for her when we’re apart and she’s hungry, bought her random gifts, always make sure she has flowers, and I give her cards or small presents. Whenever she wants something, I buy it for her, and I’m always giving her massages or back scratches—anything to make her comfortable. We’re both in college and on a tight budget, so I spend most of my money on her or on things we can do together. I do all this because I love her and want her to feel special. But I’m struggling with this idea that communicating her needs somehow makes those gestures less meaningful. I’m trying my best to make her feel loved and appreciated, and I just don’t get why her telling me she wants more romantic gestures makes them feel "not special." I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle this and how I can make her feel the way she wants to feel without misunderstanding her needs.

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Theodore Asterion

I (20M) recently had a conversation with my girlfriend (20F), and she told me that she doesn't feel special in our relationship. She mentioned that no one, including me, has ever done anything "special" for her, and it really struck me. I’ve heard her out, and while I understand her wanting more romantic gestures like planned surprises, letters, etc., I’m struggling to understand her feelings. I’m more than happy to work on making those thoughtful gestures a bigger part of our relationship, but here’s the thing: she said that if she has to tell me what she wants, then anything I do won’t feel special anymore. And that really threw me off. I feel like I can’t just guess what she wants if she doesn’t tell me, much like if I were to get mad at her for not buying me my favorite game without asking. How am I supposed to know? I do try to show her I care in my own way. For example, I’ve walked to Taco Bell in the cold to bring her food when she’s been in bed, ordered DoorDash for her when we’re apart and she’s hungry, bought her random gifts, always make sure she has flowers, and I give her cards or small presents. Whenever she wants something, I buy it for her, and I’m always giving her massages or back scratches—anything to make her comfortable. We’re both in college and on a tight budget, so I spend most of my money on her or on things we can do together. I do all this because I love her and want her to feel special. But I’m struggling with this idea that communicating her needs somehow makes those gestures less meaningful. I’m trying my best to make her feel loved and appreciated, and I just don’t get why her telling me she wants more romantic gestures makes them feel "not special." I’d really appreciate some advice on how to handle this and how I can make her feel the way she wants to feel without misunderstanding her needs.

2 months ago

592

It sounds like you're in a tough situation, and it's great that you're seeking to understand your girlfriend's feelings better. Relationships can be challenging, especially when it comes to understanding each other's needs and expectations. Here are some thoughts and suggestions that might help you navigate this situation:

Understanding Her Perspective

Your girlfriend's feelings of not feeling special may stem from her desire for more intentional gestures of love and appreciation. While you have expressed your love through various actions, she might be looking for more personalized and memorable experiences. It's important to recognize that everyone has different love languages, which can affect how they perceive affection.

Communicate Openly

Since your girlfriend has voiced her feelings, it's crucial to maintain an open line of communication. Consider having a heart-to-heart conversation where you both can express your thoughts and feelings. You could say something like:

"I really appreciate you sharing your feelings with me. I want to understand what makes you feel special, and I’m willing to put in the effort to make that happen. Can we talk about specific things that would mean a lot to you?"

Thoughtful Gestures

While you've done many thoughtful things, she might be looking for surprises or experiences that feel more unique. Here are some ideas:

Plan a Surprise Date: Organize a special day just for her. It could be a picnic in the park, a movie night with her favorite films, or a day trip to a nearby destination. The key is to plan it without her knowing to add an element of surprise.
Handwritten Letters: Write her a heartfelt letter expressing your feelings. You can share your favorite memories together and what you love about her. This tangible expression of your feelings can mean a lot.
Create a Personal Gift: Consider making something meaningful, like a scrapbook of your time together or a jar filled with notes of reasons you love her. These personal touches can be very special.
Random Acts of Kindness: Continue with small gestures but try to make them more personalized. For instance, if she mentions wanting to try a new café, surprise her with a visit there.

Quality Time

Spend quality time together without distractions. This could be as simple as cooking dinner together, watching the stars, or just having deep conversations. Creating meaningful moments can help her feel more valued and special.

Reassurance and Affection

Sometimes, people need verbal reassurance of love and affection. Make it a point to tell her how much she means to you. Simple phrases like "You make my life better" or "I love being with you" can reinforce her feelings of being special.

Be Patient and Understanding

Change may not happen overnight. It’s important to be patient as you both navigate these feelings. Continue to listen to her and check in about how she’s feeling regarding your efforts. This shows her that you genuinely care about her happiness.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the goal is to create an environment where she feels cherished and understood. By being proactive in showing your love and making her feel special, you can strengthen your relationship and ensure she knows just how much she means to you.

Remember, every relationship is a journey of learning and growing together. Good luck, and I hope these suggestions help you both find a deeper connection!

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