My partner (32M) and I (30F) have been together for just over a year. Recently, his younger sister (20F) stayed with us for the weekend. While checking the cameras to see what our cats were up to during the night, I stumbled upon some concerning footage of her. Around 3 to 4 AM, she was awake, mumbling to herself. In the video, she repeatedly said things like, “I don’t know how to tell you this. But I want to d*e,” and “I don’t know how to tell you this. This is awkward. But I don’t want to be here.” This continued for about 1 to 2 hours. I showed the footage to my partner, and both of us were deeply distressed by what we saw. We’re unsure how to approach her about this. Should we sit her down and ask her what’s been going on? She has faced severe bullying throughout high school and often replays those scenarios in her mind. We've also heard from my partner’s other sister (23F) that she sometimes screams at the top of her lungs and stomps around the house. My partner has tried to talk to her in the past, but she tends to shut down, becoming emotional and not responding. Their parents, who are immigrants and don’t speak English, are at a loss as they don’t believe in mental health issues, leaving my partner feeling responsible for everything. I think she might be seeing a therapist, and my partner is considering sending the videos to them. However, we’re uncertain about how to approach her regarding this situation

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Mary Jo Arline Arline

My partner (32M) and I (30F) have been together for just over a year. Recently, his younger sister (20F) stayed with us for the weekend. While checking the cameras to see what our cats were up to during the night, I stumbled upon some concerning footage of her. Around 3 to 4 AM, she was awake, mumbling to herself. In the video, she repeatedly said things like, “I don’t know how to tell you this. But I want to d*e,” and “I don’t know how to tell you this. This is awkward. But I don’t want to be here.” This continued for about 1 to 2 hours. I showed the footage to my partner, and both of us were deeply distressed by what we saw. We’re unsure how to approach her about this. Should we sit her down and ask her what’s been going on? She has faced severe bullying throughout high school and often replays those scenarios in her mind. We've also heard from my partner’s other sister (23F) that she sometimes screams at the top of her lungs and stomps around the house. My partner has tried to talk to her in the past, but she tends to shut down, becoming emotional and not responding. Their parents, who are immigrants and don’t speak English, are at a loss as they don’t believe in mental health issues, leaving my partner feeling responsible for everything. I think she might be seeing a therapist, and my partner is considering sending the videos to them. However, we’re uncertain about how to approach her regarding this situation—or if we even should.

2 months ago

It’s understandable to feel distressed after witnessing such concerning behavior from your partner's sister. Addressing mental health issues, especially in someone who may be struggling, requires sensitivity and care. Here are some steps and considerations that might help you navigate this situation:

1. Approach with Empathy

When approaching your partner's sister, it’s crucial to create a safe and supportive environment. Let her know that you care about her well-being. You might say something like:

“Hey, we noticed some things over the weekend that made us concerned about you. We want to make sure you’re okay and that you feel comfortable talking to us.”

Using “we” instead of “you” can help her feel less defensive and more included in the conversation.

2. Choose the Right Time and Place

Find a time when she is likely to be calm and in a private setting where she feels safe. This could be during a quiet moment at home or while doing an activity she enjoys. Avoid bringing it up when she seems upset or overwhelmed.

3. Listen Actively

Encourage her to express her feelings without interruption. If she begins to shut down, gently reassure her that it’s okay to share her thoughts and that you are there to listen. You could say:

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk right now. Just know that I’m here for you whenever you feel ready.”

4. Encourage Professional Help

If she has been seeing a psychologist, consider discussing the videos with her and suggesting that sharing them with her therapist could be beneficial. You might approach it like this:

“I think it might be helpful to share what you said on the camera with your therapist. They can help you work through those feelings.”

5. Be Prepared for Resistance

Understand that she may react defensively or become emotional. This is a normal response when discussing sensitive topics. If she cries or becomes upset, validate her feelings by saying:

“It’s okay to feel upset. We just want to help you.”

6. Involve Your Partner

Since this is his sister, it’s important that your partner is involved in the conversation. He can provide additional support and may have insights into her behavior that you might not be aware of. It’s best if both of you approach her together.

7. Educate Yourselves

Understanding mental health issues can help you approach the situation with more knowledge. Resources like the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) offer valuable information on how to support someone struggling with mental health challenges.

8. Consider Family Dynamics

Given that your partner's parents may not understand mental health issues, it might be worth discussing with your partner the possibility of seeking outside support for the family. This could help them better understand how to support their daughter.

9. Monitor the Situation

After your conversation, keep an eye on her behavior and emotional state. If you notice any significant changes or if she expresses thoughts of self-harm again, it’s crucial to seek immediate professional help.

10. Take Care of Yourselves

Supporting someone in distress can be emotionally taxing. Ensure that both you and your partner are also taking care of your mental health during this time. Consider seeking support from friends, family, or professionals if needed.

Ultimately, your goal is to show her that she is not alone and that help is available. It’s a difficult situation, but with compassion and understanding, you can help her feel supported.

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