My ex (29F) and I (31M) broke up a year ago, and during and after our relationship, there were a lot of trust issues. She lied to me, chose other men over me, and would ghost me for weeks to avoid accountability. Over the course of the year, we’ve had some back-and-forth interactions where she would tell me how much she loved me and missed me, which would pull me back in, but then I’d discover something that would break my trust again. Recently, she reached out to me and said she wanted things to be different, that she had changed, and apologized for everything. So, we started seeing each other again over the last few weeks. I’ve moved into a new place and invited her to come over, but she initially declined, saying she was too busy. Then, yesterday, she asked if the invitation was still open, even though I had asked her about two weeks ago. I told her the invitation was still on the table, but I had one condition: that she come with good intentions and be honest with me about what she’s been doing. I wanted to make sure there were no hidden motives this time. However, she completely lost it on me. She got really angry and said that it wasn’t fair for me to bring up her past mistakes and that I was being unforgiving. She claimed she was opening her heart to me by agreeing to come over, but now, after what I said, she was going to back out and never speak to me again. I tried to explain myself, but things only got worse. She yelled at me, told me to never call her again, delete her number, and that she never wanted to see me again. She then started saying how I was right about all the bad things I thought about her, that she’s just a bad person who lies, cheats, and takes advantage of others. After screaming at me, she hung up the phone. I’m now wondering if I said the right thing or if there was a better way to handle the situation. Was I being unreasonable by bringing up her past mistakes, or was I right to ask for honesty from her before allowing her back into my life?

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Eraldo Beppe

My ex (29F) and I (31M) broke up a year ago, and during and after our relationship, there were a lot of trust issues. She lied to me, chose other men over me, and would ghost me for weeks to avoid accountability. Over the course of the year, we’ve had some back-and-forth interactions where she would tell me how much she loved me and missed me, which would pull me back in, but then I’d discover something that would break my trust again. Recently, she reached out to me and said she wanted things to be different, that she had changed, and apologized for everything. So, we started seeing each other again over the last few weeks. I’ve moved into a new place and invited her to come over, but she initially declined, saying she was too busy. Then, yesterday, she asked if the invitation was still open, even though I had asked her about two weeks ago. I told her the invitation was still on the table, but I had one condition: that she come with good intentions and be honest with me about what she’s been doing. I wanted to make sure there were no hidden motives this time. However, she completely lost it on me. She got really angry and said that it wasn’t fair for me to bring up her past mistakes and that I was being unforgiving. She claimed she was opening her heart to me by agreeing to come over, but now, after what I said, she was going to back out and never speak to me again. I tried to explain myself, but things only got worse. She yelled at me, told me to never call her again, delete her number, and that she never wanted to see me again. She then started saying how I was right about all the bad things I thought about her, that she’s just a bad person who lies, cheats, and takes advantage of others. After screaming at me, she hung up the phone. I’m now wondering if I said the right thing or if there was a better way to handle the situation. Was I being unreasonable by bringing up her past mistakes, or was I right to ask for honesty from her before allowing her back into my life?

2 months ago

It sounds like you are navigating a complex and emotionally charged situation with your ex. Relationships, especially those that have involved significant trust issues, can be incredibly challenging to manage. Let's break down the situation and explore whether your approach was appropriate and what alternatives you might consider.

Understanding Your Perspective

From your account, it seems that you have valid concerns based on past experiences. After being lied to and feeling betrayed, it's natural to want reassurance when reconnecting. Your stipulation for her to have "no bad intentions" can be interpreted as a way to protect yourself from further emotional harm. This is a reasonable request given the history you share.

Her Reaction

Her reaction, while perhaps unexpected, indicates that she perceives your request as a lack of trust. She may feel that you are holding her past against her, which can be very hurtful. When someone feels attacked or judged, especially after attempting to reconnect, they may respond defensively. Her anger suggests that she may not be ready to face the consequences of her past actions, or she might not fully understand the impact those actions had on you.

Was Your Approach Right?

While your intention to establish boundaries is important, the way you expressed it could have been more tactful. Instead of stating a stipulation, you might have framed your concerns in a way that invites open dialogue. For example:

"I really want to make sure we are both on the same page moving forward. Given our history, I hope we can be honest with each other about our intentions and feelings."

This approach emphasizes mutual understanding rather than placing her under scrutiny. It opens the door for a conversation rather than a confrontation.

Alternative Approaches

Considering the emotional stakes involved, here are some alternative approaches you might take in the future:

Express Vulnerability: Share your feelings about the past and how they affect your current emotions. For example, "I still care about you and want to be close, but I have been hurt before, and it makes me cautious."
Encourage Open Communication: Invite her to share her feelings and intentions as well, fostering a two-way conversation.
Set Boundaries Gently: Instead of demands, discuss what you both need to feel secure in the relationship moving forward.

Moving Forward

Given her reaction, it may be beneficial to take a step back for now. Allow some time for both of you to process the conversation. If she feels safe and respected, she may eventually reach out to discuss further.

In the meantime, focus on your own emotional well-being. Consider speaking to friends or a counselor to help you process your feelings about the relationship and gain clarity on what you want moving forward.

Conclusion

In relationships, especially those with a complicated history, communication is key. It's important to express your needs while also being receptive to the other person's feelings. Reflecting on this experience can help you approach future interactions with greater understanding and empathy.

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