I (24F) have been feeling a little insecure about my relationship with my boyfriend (33M), and I’m not sure if my feelings are justified or if I’m just overreacting. I’m using a burner account because my boyfriend knows my Reddit. We’ve been together for a while, and both of us are high-achievers in our own right, though his achievements, particularly in high school, definitely surpass mine. We both have degrees, but he’s currently working toward a PhD at a prestigious university, which obviously is a big deal. Our relationship has a lot of banter and joking around, but recently, I’ve started feeling like his way of speaking and the things he says are making me feel unintelligent. For example, he sent me a message that said: “Indubitably, my lexicon would reach untold heights while my living conditions would be akin to a wash-bin in a fraternity on Greek Rush week.” He was talking about going back to university, but the message just seemed unnecessarily verbose. It’s not just that, though—he often uses complicated words or references things that go way over my head, and sometimes I feel like it’s almost on purpose, like he’s trying to make me feel less knowledgeable or to show off his intelligence. I’m British, and he’s American, so there’s sometimes a slight cultural difference in terms of how we understand things. But lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m being made to feel “less than” because I don’t always understand what he’s referring to or because I’m not keeping up with his level of speech. I want to address it, but I’m not sure how to bring up these feelings without sounding like I’m criticizing him. I really don’t want to start unnecessary conflict, but I can’t keep ignoring how it’s affecting my self-esteem. How should I approach this conversation and let him know how I’m feeling?

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I (24F) have been feeling a little insecure about my relationship with my boyfriend (33M), and I’m not sure if my feelings are justified or if I’m just overreacting. I’m using a burner account because my boyfriend knows my Reddit. We’ve been together for a while, and both of us are high-achievers in our own right, though his achievements, particularly in high school, definitely surpass mine. We both have degrees, but he’s currently working toward a PhD at a prestigious university, which obviously is a big deal. Our relationship has a lot of banter and joking around, but recently, I’ve started feeling like his way of speaking and the things he says are making me feel unintelligent. For example, he sent me a message that said: “Indubitably, my lexicon would reach untold heights while my living conditions would be akin to a wash-bin in a fraternity on Greek Rush week.” He was talking about going back to university, but the message just seemed unnecessarily verbose. It’s not just that, though—he often uses complicated words or references things that go way over my head, and sometimes I feel like it’s almost on purpose, like he’s trying to make me feel less knowledgeable or to show off his intelligence. I’m British, and he’s American, so there’s sometimes a slight cultural difference in terms of how we understand things. But lately, I’ve been feeling like I’m being made to feel “less than” because I don’t always understand what he’s referring to or because I’m not keeping up with his level of speech. I want to address it, but I’m not sure how to bring up these feelings without sounding like I’m criticizing him. I really don’t want to start unnecessary conflict, but I can’t keep ignoring how it’s affecting my self-esteem. How should I approach this conversation and let him know how I’m feeling?

2 months ago

It's understandable that you're feeling this way, especially when your boyfriend's communication style seems to unintentionally undermine your confidence. Here are some suggestions on how to express your feelings and improve the situation:

1. Choose the Right Time and Setting

Find a calm and private moment to discuss your feelings. Avoid bringing it up during a heated moment or when either of you is stressed. A quiet dinner or a walk can provide a conducive environment for a heartfelt conversation.

2. Use "I" Statements

When you approach the conversation, use "I" statements to express how his words make you feel. This technique focuses on your feelings rather than blaming him. For example:

Example: "I feel a bit overwhelmed when you use really complex language because I worry that I might not understand you fully." This frames the issue as a personal feeling rather than an attack on his intelligence.

3. Be Honest About Your Feelings

Clearly communicate that his choice of words sometimes makes you feel unintelligent or inadequate. It's important to be honest while also being respectful. You might say:

Example: "Sometimes, when you use very elaborate language, I feel like I can't keep up, and it makes me doubt my own intelligence." This lets him know the impact of his language without accusing him of wrongdoing.

4. Encourage Mutual Understanding

Suggest that you both try to meet in the middle when it comes to communication. You can express that you appreciate his intelligence and vocabulary but would love for him to simplify things occasionally. For instance:

Example: "I really admire your vocabulary, but I would appreciate it if you could explain things in simpler terms sometimes. It would help me feel more included in our conversations." This shows that you value his intellect while setting a boundary for your comfort.

5. Engage in Playful Banter

Since you mentioned that your relationship consists of banter, you can also use humor to lighten the mood. Perhaps playfully exaggerate your confusion over his complex phrases:

Example: "I must have missed the memo on the secret language! Can we stick to English, please?" This approach can help convey your feelings without sounding too serious.

6. Suggest Shared Activities

Consider activities that can help you both feel more connected and on the same intellectual level. Reading the same book or watching educational documentaries together can provide a common ground for discussions.

7. Seek Feedback

After expressing your feelings, ask for his perspective. This can help both of you understand each other better. You might say:

Example: "How do you feel about our conversations? Do you think we could find a way to communicate that feels better for both of us?" This encourages an open dialogue.

8. Be Prepared for His Reaction

Understand that he may not realize the effect of his words. He might be surprised or defensive. Be patient and give him time to process your feelings. If he cares about you, he will likely want to adjust his communication style.

9. Consider Professional Help

If this issue continues to affect your self-esteem or your relationship, consider seeking help from a therapist. They can provide guidance on communication strategies and help both of you navigate these feelings.

Ultimately, communication is key in any relationship. By being open and honest about your feelings, you can hopefully foster a more supportive and understanding dynamic between you both.

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