I (21F) am engaged to my partner (25F), and we’ve been living together for a few months now. Things have been generally great between us, and we’ve learned to argue in a healthy and respectful way. But there’s this issue I’m struggling with, and I’m not sure if I’m being too sensitive or if something’s off. A, my partner, has more dating experience than me, which I understand given our age difference, and we’re both each other’s first live-in partner. That means sometimes I feel unsure about how I’m reacting to things, especially when we fight. The issue started with a disagreement I had over sleeping through the day. I was upset with myself and ended up taking it out on her. I felt frustrated that she made plans with a friend when she had promised we’d go thrifting together. To me, it felt like I wasn’t a priority, and I ended up lying to avoid the situation. I acknowledge that I should have handled it better, but things took a turn when she mocked me. She started mimicking my reactions, using a high-pitched tone and fake crying, which felt like she was making fun of me. She also mocked my disassociation, calling it “staring at a wall for no reason.” It hurt because it felt like bullying. This is especially triggering for me because I’ve been called a crybaby my whole life, and I’ve learned to suppress my feelings. She encourages me to open up, but whenever I do, it feels like she’s just scrutinizing me. When I shut down, she accused me of playing the victim, which makes it even harder to feel safe sharing my feelings with her. I’ve told her how much this bothers me, but she continues to do it, and it’s making me feel like I can’t be myself around her. The final straw was when she called me kicking the blankets off the bed a “temper tantrum.” I was just trying to cool off alone, and that felt like an unfair judgment. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I want to open up, but I’m afraid it will just lead to me being made fun of. We’re both in therapy, and this is really the only issue we’ve been struggling with, but I don’t know how to move forward. What should I do?

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Luca Melchiorre

I (21F) am engaged to my partner (25F), and we’ve been living together for a few months now. Things have been generally great between us, and we’ve learned to argue in a healthy and respectful way. But there’s this issue I’m struggling with, and I’m not sure if I’m being too sensitive or if something’s off. A, my partner, has more dating experience than me, which I understand given our age difference, and we’re both each other’s first live-in partner. That means sometimes I feel unsure about how I’m reacting to things, especially when we fight. The issue started with a disagreement I had over sleeping through the day. I was upset with myself and ended up taking it out on her. I felt frustrated that she made plans with a friend when she had promised we’d go thrifting together. To me, it felt like I wasn’t a priority, and I ended up lying to avoid the situation. I acknowledge that I should have handled it better, but things took a turn when she mocked me. She started mimicking my reactions, using a high-pitched tone and fake crying, which felt like she was making fun of me. She also mocked my disassociation, calling it “staring at a wall for no reason.” It hurt because it felt like bullying. This is especially triggering for me because I’ve been called a crybaby my whole life, and I’ve learned to suppress my feelings. She encourages me to open up, but whenever I do, it feels like she’s just scrutinizing me. When I shut down, she accused me of playing the victim, which makes it even harder to feel safe sharing my feelings with her. I’ve told her how much this bothers me, but she continues to do it, and it’s making me feel like I can’t be myself around her. The final straw was when she called me kicking the blankets off the bed a “temper tantrum.” I was just trying to cool off alone, and that felt like an unfair judgment. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I want to open up, but I’m afraid it will just lead to me being made fun of. We’re both in therapy, and this is really the only issue we’ve been struggling with, but I don’t know how to move forward. What should I do?

2 months ago

It sounds like you are navigating a complex and sensitive situation in your relationship. It's crucial to recognize that your feelings are valid, and the way your partner responds to your emotions can significantly impact your mental well-being. Here are some ways to approach this situation:

Understanding Your Feelings

First and foremost, it's essential to acknowledge that you are not too sensitive. Everyone has different emotional responses based on their experiences, and your feelings are legitimate. Feeling hurt or mocked during vulnerable moments is a reasonable response, especially considering your past experiences with being called names and feeling belittled.

Communicating with Your Partner

Open and honest communication is vital in any relationship. Here are some steps you might consider:

Choose the Right Time: Find a calm moment to discuss your feelings, preferably when you are both not in conflict. This will help ensure that your partner is more receptive to what you have to say.
Use "I" Statements: Express how her mocking affects you personally. For example, you might say, "I feel hurt when you imitate my emotions because it makes me feel like my feelings are not valid."
Be Specific: Share specific instances where her comments hurt you. This can help her understand the impact of her actions. For example, "When you called my kicking the blankets a temper tantrum, it made me feel like my feelings were being dismissed."

Setting Boundaries

It’s crucial to establish clear boundaries regarding how you want to be treated during conflicts. You can express that mocking or belittling your emotional responses is unacceptable. For instance, you can say, "I need you to support me when I’m upset, not make fun of me. If this continues, I will need to take a step back from our conversations until I feel safe to share."

Working Together

Since both of you are in therapy, consider discussing this pattern with your individual therapists. They can provide additional strategies tailored to your specific needs. You might also suggest couples therapy to address this issue together. A therapist can facilitate healthier communication and help both of you understand each other's perspectives better.

Self-Care and Emotional Regulation

While working through this with your partner, it’s also important to take care of yourself:

Practice Mindfulness: Engaging in mindfulness practices can help you manage overwhelming emotions. Techniques such as deep breathing or meditation can ground you when you feel triggered.
Journaling: Writing down your thoughts and feelings can help process your emotions and clarify what you want to communicate to your partner.

Conclusion

In summary, it’s essential to express your feelings to your partner clearly and assertively while setting boundaries around how you wish to be treated. Your emotional responses are valid, and you deserve a partner who respects and supports you during tough times. Remember, relationships are about mutual respect, understanding, and growth. If your partner is willing to work on this, it can lead to a healthier and more fulfilling relationship.

Ultimately, you are not alone in this, and seeking support from friends, family, or professionals can also provide you with additional perspectives and help you navigate these challenges.

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