I (28F) recently discovered that my boyfriend (29M) had been planning a surprise proposal for me, but after learning about a meeting he had with my father, I’m starting to think the proposal might be canceled. Over the past couple of months, my boyfriend’s behavior seemed a bit off—he was acting sneaky and distant, which made me suspicious. About a month ago, I accidentally found out that he had reached out to my two best friends for help with the proposal and had already bought a ring. I also learned that he had taken my mom out for lunch to discuss it, and my sister, without realizing, let it slip that something big was being planned. I figured it was going to happen sometime this February, but I didn't know the exact date. I know I probably shouldn’t have snooped around and uncovered all of this, and I feel guilty for finding out early. It was my own fault for getting curious. Last week, however, things took a surprising turn. A friend of mine casually mentioned that she saw my boyfriend at a coffee shop, and, jokingly, she said that he was with my dad. This caught me off guard because my boyfriend and my dad had never met before. I’ve always said that I’d love to have my father’s blessing before getting engaged, and it’s something that’s important to me. While some people might not agree with the tradition, it’s a cultural value in my family, especially in the South. That same day, I called my boyfriend to check in, but I didn’t mention anything about the meeting with my dad. When I asked how his day was going, he sounded a little off. He told me that things could be better and that work was stressful. He then mentioned that it would be helpful if I could eventually introduce him to my dad because, as he put it, "If I were a dad, I’d want to make sure my daughter is with someone stable and worthy." The way he said it made me think that the meeting with my dad didn’t go as well as he had hoped. He didn’t know that I already knew about the meeting, and this just broke my heart. I’m left feeling confused and hurt. I think the proposal is probably off the table for now, and I’m feeling a mixture of disappointment and guilt. 1) I had been excited about the proposal, but now it seems like it might not happen soon, and I can’t even talk to him about it because I don’t want to make him feel worse. 2) I don’t know how to address this situation without revealing that I already know everything. Some background: I come from a well-off, highly educated family, and my boyfriend, although from a less privileged background, is kind, hardworking, reliable, and loving. My boyfriend has met my mom and siblings, and they’ve all known him for over two years and love him. My dad knows about him, too, but they’ve never met in person before. So now, I’m in a tough spot. I don’t want to push him into something he’s not ready for, but I also feel heartbroken and unsure about how to move forward. What should I do? How do I address this situation without revealing that I already know too much?

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Ciriaco Sonia

I (28F) recently discovered that my boyfriend (29M) had been planning a surprise proposal for me, but after learning about a meeting he had with my father, I’m starting to think the proposal might be canceled. Over the past couple of months, my boyfriend’s behavior seemed a bit off—he was acting sneaky and distant, which made me suspicious. About a month ago, I accidentally found out that he had reached out to my two best friends for help with the proposal and had already bought a ring. I also learned that he had taken my mom out for lunch to discuss it, and my sister, without realizing, let it slip that something big was being planned. I figured it was going to happen sometime this February, but I didn't know the exact date. I know I probably shouldn’t have snooped around and uncovered all of this, and I feel guilty for finding out early. It was my own fault for getting curious. Last week, however, things took a surprising turn. A friend of mine casually mentioned that she saw my boyfriend at a coffee shop, and, jokingly, she said that he was with my dad. This caught me off guard because my boyfriend and my dad had never met before. I’ve always said that I’d love to have my father’s blessing before getting engaged, and it’s something that’s important to me. While some people might not agree with the tradition, it’s a cultural value in my family, especially in the South. That same day, I called my boyfriend to check in, but I didn’t mention anything about the meeting with my dad. When I asked how his day was going, he sounded a little off. He told me that things could be better and that work was stressful. He then mentioned that it would be helpful if I could eventually introduce him to my dad because, as he put it, "If I were a dad, I’d want to make sure my daughter is with someone stable and worthy." The way he said it made me think that the meeting with my dad didn’t go as well as he had hoped. He didn’t know that I already knew about the meeting, and this just broke my heart. I’m left feeling confused and hurt. I think the proposal is probably off the table for now, and I’m feeling a mixture of disappointment and guilt. 1) I had been excited about the proposal, but now it seems like it might not happen soon, and I can’t even talk to him about it because I don’t want to make him feel worse. 2) I don’t know how to address this situation without revealing that I already know everything. Some background: I come from a well-off, highly educated family, and my boyfriend, although from a less privileged background, is kind, hardworking, reliable, and loving. My boyfriend has met my mom and siblings, and they’ve all known him for over two years and love him. My dad knows about him, too, but they’ve never met in person before. So now, I’m in a tough spot. I don’t want to push him into something he’s not ready for, but I also feel heartbroken and unsure about how to move forward. What should I do? How do I address this situation without revealing that I already know too much?

2 months ago

147

It sounds like you're in a complex and emotional situation, and it's understandable to feel heartbroken and confused. Here are some steps you can take to address this without revealing your awareness of the surprise proposal:

1. Reflect on Your Feelings

Before approaching your boyfriend, take some time to process your feelings. It's natural to feel excited about the idea of a proposal, and it's equally valid to feel anxious about your boyfriend's meeting with your father. Consider the following:

Understand Your Emotions: Recognize that feeling heartbroken is valid, especially if you feel the proposal is now off the table.
Identify Your Priorities: Think about what you want in your relationship moving forward. Do you want to discuss the proposal directly, or focus on supporting him through his current feelings?

2. Approach the Conversation Gently

When you talk to your boyfriend, create a safe space for open dialogue. You might say something like:

"Hey, I noticed you seemed a bit off lately. Is there anything on your mind that you’d like to talk about?"

This opens the door for him to share his feelings without putting pressure on him to discuss the proposal directly.

3. Show Support and Understanding

During your conversation, express your understanding of the pressures he might be feeling:

"I can imagine that meeting my dad might have been a bit daunting, especially with everything else going on at work. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, no matter what."

This approach reassures him that you value his feelings and are not solely focused on the proposal.

4. Discuss Future Plans

While you want to maintain the surprise aspect of the proposal, you can still discuss your future together in a broader sense. You might say:

"I really believe in us and our future together. What are your thoughts on where we’re headed?"

This gives him an opportunity to express his feelings about the relationship and any concerns he might have.

5. Be Patient

After your conversation, give him space to process everything. If the proposal is indeed on hold, allow him to come to you when he feels ready. You can also gently remind him of your love and commitment:

"I just want you to know that I love you, no matter what happens. I believe in us."

6. Prepare for Different Outcomes

Finally, be prepared for various outcomes. He may share that he felt the meeting didn’t go well, or he may express his desire to continue planning the proposal. Whatever the case, your goal is to maintain open communication and support him through this process.

Conclusion

Ultimately, it’s important to foster a supportive environment in your relationship. By addressing your boyfriend's feelings and showing understanding, you can navigate this challenging situation without revealing your prior knowledge. Remember, relationships thrive on communication, and your willingness to listen and support him will strengthen your bond.

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