It's understandable that you're feeling hurt and confused by your spouse's actions regarding the Secret Santa gift exchange. This situation touches on deeper issues of communication, respect, and emotional connection in your marriage.

First, it's important to recognize that the essence of gift-giving, especially in a Secret Santa context, is not merely about the material item itself but rather about the thought and care behind it. Gifts often symbolize affection, appreciation, and consideration for the other person's feelings. When your spouse was assigned as your Secret Santa and chose not to participate, it could feel like a dismissal of those sentiments.

When you confronted him and he stated that you have everything you want and are independent, it may have come across as an excuse rather than a valid reason. This response can be perceived as minimizing your feelings and the significance of the occasion. For instance, even if you are independent and have many material possessions, a thoughtful gesture—be it a small gift, a heartfelt note, or even just a conversation acknowledging the event—can go a long way in reinforcing emotional bonds. Research in psychology indicates that emotional connection is crucial in relationships, and actions that seem dismissive can create distance.

Moreover, finding out from a family member rather than your spouse can amplify feelings of embarrassment and betrayal. It raises questions about transparency and trust in your relationship. You might wonder why he felt the need to keep this from you, which can lead to feelings of insecurity. Healthy relationships often rely on open communication, where both partners feel comfortable discussing their feelings and expectations.

It’s also important to consider how he handles conflict and accountability. You mentioned that he rarely admits when he’s wrong, which can be a significant issue in any relationship. Effective communication involves not just talking, but also listening and acknowledging when someone is hurt. His reluctance to engage in these conversations could indicate a deeper pattern in your relationship that might need addressing.

To approach this situation constructively, consider the following steps:

• Reflect on Your Feelings: Take some time to understand why this situation upset you. Is it solely about the gift, or does it touch on broader issues in your marriage?
• Choose the Right Moment: Find a calm time to discuss this with your spouse. Approach the conversation with an open mind, focusing on how his actions made you feel rather than accusing him.
• Express Your Needs: Clearly communicate what you would have appreciated instead—whether it’s a small token, a card, or just acknowledgment of the occasion.
• Encourage Openness: Ask him to share his thoughts and feelings about gift-giving and what it means to him. This can help you both understand each other's perspectives better.

Ultimately, you're not overreacting; your feelings are valid. It's about the principle of consideration and emotional engagement in your marriage. By addressing this issue, you may uncover underlying patterns that need attention, leading to a stronger and more resilient relationship.