I'm divorced with two kids from my first marriage. My current wife was married in her twenties to her high school sweetheart, and they had a child together. Tragically, her first husband passed away from an illness when he was 30, while they were still married. Together, we now have one child as well. Our relationship started off great, but over time it’s become rocky, with ups and downs. While we both love each other, there’s a lot of resentment between us. I feel like she puts minimal effort into the relationship. She has extreme OCD tendencies with cleanliness—far beyond what’s necessary—and spends excessive time cleaning, organizing, and scrolling on social media. She only engages with me when it’s about making an "executive decision" or discussing family matters. We rarely do anything together as a couple. If we’re not at family or kids' events, we’re usually just sitting at home watching a movie with our youngest child between us. Physical intimacy is almost non-existent—we rarely kiss, hug, or have sex. For her, intimacy seems to mean using her vibrator while I take care of myself. I've worked hard to stay in shape and remain attractive for her, but it feels like it doesn’t matter. Initially, she was great with my kids, but as they’ve grown into their teenage years, she’s distanced herself and frequently complains about them without saying anything positive. My kids are high achievers academically and in extracurricular activities, and they’ve never been in trouble. I’ve always treated her daughter as my own, but recently, I’ve started to distance myself because of how she treats my kids. I’ve been the sole provider, allowing her to stay home, and I genuinely don’t want another divorce at this stage in my life. However, my patience is running thin. I still love her, but the way I love her now feels different from how it was in the past. TL;DR How can I make this marriage tolerable or improve it? Are there solutions, or has it reached the point of no return? Any advice would be appreciated.

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Kyson Averill

I'm divorced with two kids from my first marriage. My current wife was married in her twenties to her high school sweetheart, and they had a child together. Tragically, her first husband passed away from an illness when he was 30, while they were still married. Together, we now have one child as well. Our relationship started off great, but over time it’s become rocky, with ups and downs. While we both love each other, there’s a lot of resentment between us. I feel like she puts minimal effort into the relationship. She has extreme OCD tendencies with cleanliness—far beyond what’s necessary—and spends excessive time cleaning, organizing, and scrolling on social media. She only engages with me when it’s about making an "executive decision" or discussing family matters. We rarely do anything together as a couple. If we’re not at family or kids' events, we’re usually just sitting at home watching a movie with our youngest child between us. Physical intimacy is almost non-existent—we rarely kiss, hug, or have sex. For her, intimacy seems to mean using her vibrator while I take care of myself. I've worked hard to stay in shape and remain attractive for her, but it feels like it doesn’t matter. Initially, she was great with my kids, but as they’ve grown into their teenage years, she’s distanced herself and frequently complains about them without saying anything positive. My kids are high achievers academically and in extracurricular activities, and they’ve never been in trouble. I’ve always treated her daughter as my own, but recently, I’ve started to distance myself because of how she treats my kids. I’ve been the sole provider, allowing her to stay home, and I genuinely don’t want another divorce at this stage in my life. However, my patience is running thin. I still love her, but the way I love her now feels different from how it was in the past. TL;DR How can I make this marriage tolerable or improve it? Are there solutions, or has it reached the point of no return? Any advice would be appreciated.

2 months ago

163

This is a complex and emotionally charged situation, but it’s not uncommon for relationships to evolve in ways that require deliberate effort to repair and rebuild. Here are some suggestions to help you assess and potentially improve your marriage:

1. Open and Honest Communication

Schedule a dedicated conversation: Choose a calm moment to discuss your feelings and concerns without interruptions. Make it clear this is about improving your relationship, not placing blame.
Use “I” statements: For example, "I feel distant when we don’t spend time together as a couple," instead of "You never spend time with me."
Ask for her perspective: Encourage her to share how she feels about the relationship and any unspoken frustrations she may have.

2. Address Resentment

Identify specific grievances: Both of you likely harbor unspoken resentments. Work together to list them and discuss potential solutions.
Focus on forgiveness: Holding onto resentment can prevent progress. If both of you can address past hurts and make a commitment to move forward, healing becomes more possible.

3. Prioritize Intimacy

Start small: Physical intimacy can’t be forced but can be rekindled. Begin with small gestures like holding hands, a kiss on the cheek, or sitting closer during movies.
Talk about intimacy openly: Discuss how each of you views intimacy and what you need to feel connected.
Explore new ways to bond: Consider activities like dancing, cooking together, or date nights that can reignite passion.

4. Balance Household Dynamics

Acknowledge her OCD tendencies: Extreme cleanliness may be her way of coping with stress or a need for control. Suggest counseling if it’s affecting the family dynamic.
Set boundaries for social media use: Talk about how excessive scrolling might detract from quality time and encourage healthier habits.
Share responsibilities: Even if she’s a stay-at-home partner, offering to occasionally help with cleaning or other tasks might ease tension.

5. Strengthen the Blended Family

Talk about your kids: Address her distancing from your teenagers. Suggest ways to rebuild those relationships through shared activities or family outings.
Reconnect with her daughter: If you’ve started to distance yourself, recommit to your role as a stepfather and show her that she’s still valued.

6. Seek Professional Help

Marriage counseling: A neutral third party can help both of you communicate better, work through issues, and develop actionable solutions.
Individual therapy: If she has unresolved grief from her first marriage or struggles with OCD, therapy could be immensely helpful.

7. Focus on Yourself

Maintain your own happiness: While working on the marriage, don’t neglect your own well-being. Spend time with friends, pursue hobbies, and focus on your relationship with your children.
Set realistic expectations: Acknowledge that relationships require effort and may not always feel like they did in the beginning.

8. Consider the Long-Term

Reassess your priorities: If the relationship doesn’t improve despite your efforts, ask yourself what’s best for your overall happiness and family stability.
Avoid hasty decisions: Divorce should be a last resort after you’ve exhausted other options. Make sure any decision is made with clarity and calmness.

This situation is challenging, but with commitment and effort from both sides, it’s possible to rebuild the connection. If your wife is unwilling to engage or change, then you’ll need to weigh your options and prioritize your long-term emotional health.

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