Your concerns about having a child are valid and deserve thoughtful consideration. Let's address them step by step to help you clarify your feelings and approach this situation with your husband constructively.

1. Understanding Your Feelings About Parenthood

• Ambivalence About Kids: It’s okay to feel unsure about wanting children. It’s important to explore whether your interest in having kids stems from genuine desire or external pressure (from your husband and parents). Take time to reflect on what you want for yourself.
• Discussing With Your Husband: Share your feelings openly, including your uncertainty and fears. It’s vital that both of you are on the same page about such a life-changing decision.

2. Concerns About Pregnancy and Birth

• PCOS Challenges: It’s encouraging that you have a positive outlook about pregnancy, but it might be helpful to consult a healthcare provider to understand your specific situation with PCOS. They can guide you through fertility and pregnancy planning.
• Fear of Childbirth: Your fear of surgery, stitches, and blood is understandable. Consider discussing these anxieties with an obstetrician or midwife who can explain your options, including pain management, cesarean delivery, and recovery plans. You might also explore prenatal counseling or childbirth education classes to prepare emotionally.

3. Doubts About Your Husband’s Support

• Past Experiences: It’s reasonable to feel uncertain about your husband’s ability to support you, especially if you’ve been used to managing illnesses alone. However, childbirth and recovery are unique circumstances that require a team effort.
• Communicate Specific Needs: When discussing this with your husband, be explicit about the kind of help you’ll need, such as managing household tasks, attending to the baby, or assisting you during recovery. Avoid assuming he will intuitively know how to help.
• Testing Support Now: You can gauge his ability to provide care by giving him opportunities to help when you're unwell or managing stressful situations. This might help you build trust in his supportiveness.

4. Trust and Backup Plans

• Balancing Independence and Vulnerability: It’s admirable that you’re self-reliant, but childbirth and recovery might be one situation where you need to rely on others. It’s okay to acknowledge that needing help doesn’t make you less capable.
• Building a Support Network: Besides your husband, consider involving family members, close friends, or hiring professional help (like a postpartum doula) to ensure you have a solid backup plan.

Steps to Take

1. Reflect deeply on whether having children aligns with your personal desires or if it’s driven by external expectations.
2. Have a candid conversation with your husband about your concerns and fears, ensuring he understands the emotional and physical support you’ll require.
3. Speak with a healthcare professional about PCOS, pregnancy, and childbirth options to gain clarity and reassurance.
4. Gradually test and nurture a supportive dynamic with your husband in everyday scenarios to build trust in his ability to be there for you.