I’m 19 years old and this is my first relationship. My girlfriend, who is also 19, and I have been together for two years now. We both made a promise to wait until marriage for everything, including intimacy, due to our religious beliefs. Our relationship is mostly private, and our families would not accept it unless we’re ready for marriage, which is still many years away. We’ve agreed to wait a minimum of 5-6 years if we continue together. There are some things I’m struggling with in our relationship. For example, her desire for intimacy seems to fluctuate. A few months ago, we shared a passionate moment and she expressed wanting to do it again, but when she came back from a vacation, she was much more distant—her texts became drier, and she didn’t mention anything about what happened before. I’m used to this kind of unpredictable behavior from her, where her interest or affection can vary from time to time. What hurts the most is that our relationship has had some bumps. I’ve been “friend-zoned” by her twice, and one of those times lasted nearly ten months. After that, we started talking again, and she told me she loved me but was afraid of losing feelings for me again, though she couldn’t explain why that happens. I decided to give it another chance when she assured me that she loved me, but now, 7 months into this reunion, I’m starting to notice the same pattern. She’s becoming more distant, less affectionate, and less interested in our relationship compared to how much I care for her. She seems very independent and rarely needs reassurance from me, while I find myself feeling insecure at times. I’ve always desired a relationship where both partners are madly in love with each other, but it feels like my love for her is stronger than hers for me. It hurts because, during the times when we were just friends, she described having strong feelings for other guys, even feeling butterflies just from looking at them. She’s told me that she never feels that way with me, and it stings. Despite that, she said she came back to me because she couldn’t find another guy with the same qualities as me. I’m trying to understand whether this is a normal phase in a young relationship or if these signs suggest that our relationship might not work out. Should I continue putting effort into this, or is it just not meant to be?

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Billy Kennard

I’m 19 years old and this is my first relationship. My girlfriend, who is also 19, and I have been together for two years now. We both made a promise to wait until marriage for everything, including intimacy, due to our religious beliefs. Our relationship is mostly private, and our families would not accept it unless we’re ready for marriage, which is still many years away. We’ve agreed to wait a minimum of 5-6 years if we continue together. There are some things I’m struggling with in our relationship. For example, her desire for intimacy seems to fluctuate. A few months ago, we shared a passionate moment and she expressed wanting to do it again, but when she came back from a vacation, she was much more distant—her texts became drier, and she didn’t mention anything about what happened before. I’m used to this kind of unpredictable behavior from her, where her interest or affection can vary from time to time. What hurts the most is that our relationship has had some bumps. I’ve been “friend-zoned” by her twice, and one of those times lasted nearly ten months. After that, we started talking again, and she told me she loved me but was afraid of losing feelings for me again, though she couldn’t explain why that happens. I decided to give it another chance when she assured me that she loved me, but now, 7 months into this reunion, I’m starting to notice the same pattern. She’s becoming more distant, less affectionate, and less interested in our relationship compared to how much I care for her. She seems very independent and rarely needs reassurance from me, while I find myself feeling insecure at times. I’ve always desired a relationship where both partners are madly in love with each other, but it feels like my love for her is stronger than hers for me. It hurts because, during the times when we were just friends, she described having strong feelings for other guys, even feeling butterflies just from looking at them. She’s told me that she never feels that way with me, and it stings. Despite that, she said she came back to me because she couldn’t find another guy with the same qualities as me. I’m trying to understand whether this is a normal phase in a young relationship or if these signs suggest that our relationship might not work out. Should I continue putting effort into this, or is it just not meant to be?

2 months ago

1.5K

First of all, it’s completely understandable to feel confused and hurt in this situation. Relationships, especially young ones, can be complex, and it’s normal to have questions about your feelings and your partner’s feelings. Let’s break down some aspects of your relationship and provide some insights.

Understanding Feelings in Relationships

It’s common for feelings to fluctuate in relationships, especially at a young age when both partners are still figuring out their identities, desires, and emotional needs. The fact that your girlfriend has expressed varying levels of affection could be indicative of her own struggles with intimacy and commitment, rather than a direct reflection of her feelings for you.

It’s also important to note that love can manifest differently for different people. Some individuals may express love through physical affection, while others may prioritize emotional connection or shared experiences. It seems like your girlfriend might have a different love language than you do, which can lead to misunderstandings.

Communication Is Key

Since you’ve mentioned that your girlfriend has difficulty communicating her feelings, it might be beneficial to have an open and honest conversation about both of your needs and expectations in the relationship. Try to approach her in a non-confrontational way, expressing that you value her feelings and want to understand her better.

Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of yes/no questions, ask her how she feels about certain aspects of your relationship or what she thinks about your future together.
Share Your Feelings: Let her know how her actions affect you emotionally. Use “I” statements, such as “I feel worried when our communication decreases” instead of “You never talk to me.”

Recognizing Patterns

The pattern of being friend-zoned and then getting back together can create a sense of insecurity and instability in the relationship. It’s essential to recognize if this cycle is something that will continue to repeat. If she’s expressed fears about losing feelings again, it could indicate that she isn’t fully ready for the commitment that you desire.

Consider how her past crushes and the feelings she described with other guys make you feel. It’s natural to want that “butterfly” feeling, but it’s also important to evaluate if that’s something that can develop over time in your relationship.

Setting Boundaries and Understanding Needs

Since you both have pledged to wait until marriage for intimacy, this can complicate the emotional connection and physical desire. It’s crucial to ensure that both of you are on the same page regarding your boundaries and what you hope to gain from the relationship during this period.

Discuss Your Expectations: What are you both hoping for in the next few years? Are you both willing to work towards a deeper emotional connection?
Assess Your Compatibility: Consider whether your values and goals align in the long term. If you desire a different type of relationship than she is willing to provide, it may be time to reconsider the future of your relationship.

Self-Care and Reflection

While navigating this uncertain situation, remember to take care of your emotional well-being. Here are a few suggestions:

Engage in Hobbies: Pursue interests that make you happy and fulfilled outside of this relationship.
Talk to Friends or Family: Sharing your feelings with trusted individuals can provide you with support and different perspectives.
Consider Professional Help: If you find yourself struggling significantly with these feelings, speaking to a counselor may help you process your emotions and gain clarity.

Conclusion

Ultimately, it’s essential to reflect on what you truly want from a relationship. If you find that your needs for emotional connection and mutual love are not being met, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship’s viability. Remember that it’s normal to seek a relationship where both partners are deeply in love and committed to each other. It’s okay to prioritize your happiness and emotional health.

Be patient with yourself and your girlfriend as you both navigate these feelings. Relationships can be a journey of growth, and sometimes, that journey leads to a deeper understanding of what you truly want in life and love.

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