My wife and I are a former military family, and since transitioning out, we’ve struggled to gain traction. Although I’m finishing my last year of Master’s school in school counseling, she told me that “she didn’t see my vision” for our future. In July, she returned from a trip to Chicago, and within two days, she was upset because she couldn’t get the boys to bed. I offered to help that night, but she insisted she had it under control. Still, I could see she was struggling, so I decided to step in and make sure our oldest finished his homework and got to bed. The next day, after one of our worst fights, she left, and we lived separately for three months. Interestingly, since then, the kids refuse to let her put them to bed, and there have been times I’ve had to leave work just to get them settled and then return to my job. The separation was a wake-up call for me. During that time, I managed to quit smoking and drinking, I started running again, and with the support of my friends, I got closer to God. But now that we’re back together, I feel like I’m regressing. I’ve been tempted to drink again, and I’ve noticed myself slipping back into bad habits, like swearing. Yesterday, she received a Snapchat notification from a man. When we both looked at her phone at the same time, she quickly turned it face down. Now, I’m wondering if we’re better off separating. What do you think?

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Antonio Alaiya

My wife and I are a former military family, and since transitioning out, we’ve struggled to gain traction. Although I’m finishing my last year of Master’s school in school counseling, she told me that “she didn’t see my vision” for our future. In July, she returned from a trip to Chicago, and within two days, she was upset because she couldn’t get the boys to bed. I offered to help that night, but she insisted she had it under control. Still, I could see she was struggling, so I decided to step in and make sure our oldest finished his homework and got to bed. The next day, after one of our worst fights, she left, and we lived separately for three months. Interestingly, since then, the kids refuse to let her put them to bed, and there have been times I’ve had to leave work just to get them settled and then return to my job. The separation was a wake-up call for me. During that time, I managed to quit smoking and drinking, I started running again, and with the support of my friends, I got closer to God. But now that we’re back together, I feel like I’m regressing. I’ve been tempted to drink again, and I’ve noticed myself slipping back into bad habits, like swearing. Yesterday, she received a Snapchat notification from a man. When we both looked at her phone at the same time, she quickly turned it face down. Now, I’m wondering if we’re better off separating. What do you think?

2 months ago

991

It sounds like you’ve been through a lot, and it’s completely normal to question your relationship after such intense experiences. You’ve clearly put in a lot of personal effort to improve yourself, but relationships require both individuals to grow together. Here are some things to consider:

Reflect on Communication: It seems there’s been a lot of tension and miscommunication, especially with your wife not seeing your vision for the future. If you haven’t already, consider having a heart-to-heart conversation where you both can express your feelings openly, without judgment. You deserve to be heard, and so does she.
Focus on Individual Growth: While your personal growth is commendable, it’s important to understand that your relationship may need time to catch up. Both partners should be on a journey of growth, but each person’s pace may differ. If you feel like you’re slipping into old habits, it might be helpful to reach out for counseling (either individually or together) to maintain the progress you’ve made.
Rebuilding Trust: The situation with the Snapchat notification understandably raised concerns. If trust has been broken or is fragile, it will take time to rebuild. You may want to have a calm, honest conversation with her about what you saw, why it made you feel uncomfortable, and how to rebuild mutual trust moving forward.
Consider Your Options: Sometimes, the best way to move forward is to evaluate whether staying together aligns with both of your needs, values, and goals. It’s okay to question if separation is the best choice, but do so after considering all angles—both the positive aspects of the relationship and areas where improvement is necessary.
Get Professional Support: Given the complexity of your situation (separation, personal growth, potential trust issues), couples counseling can help you both explore your feelings, improve communication, and understand whether you’re able to reconnect in a meaningful way.

You’ve made a lot of positive changes for yourself, and it’s important that any decision you make is in line with the life you want to build, both individually and as a couple. Trust your instincts, but also seek support to navigate these feelings carefully. 💙

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