On New Year’s Eve, my (31F) husband (33M) got up from the couch with his phone, saying he really needed to go to the bathroom. This was typical for him, so I didn’t think twice about it. We spent the rest of the night hanging out into New Year’s Day, during which my husband ended up drinking a lot. The next morning, at 4:45 AM, his phone alarm started going off. I shook him to turn it off, but he was completely passed out. I got up and silenced it. Ten minutes later, it went off again. Frustrated, I picked up his phone and thought, "Well, I rarely check his phone anymore—maybe I’ll just take a quick look while he’s passed out." When I opened Snapchat, I saw a chat with a porn account that our female friend (also his coworker) uses to send her nudes. Months ago, he told me she was doing that, but I naively assumed he’d never engage with it. I was wrong. The chat revealed that he asked her for nudes, chatted explicitly, and called her about 10 times while drunk before passing out and forgetting to delete the conversation. Based on the tone of the messages, this wasn’t the first time he’d interacted with her like this. She barely responded but did send explicit photos when asked. We went through couples counseling from February to April of 2024 after I caught him last year chatting with a high school female friend, sexting strangers, paying for a female friend's OnlyFans, watching all kinds of porn (including trans content), and visiting random chat sites. We separated for four months. He begged me to come back, promising he’d change, and I believed him. Now, I see that there was even a message from the same Snapchat account from when we were in the middle of counseling. I haven’t confronted him yet. I feel like keeping this information to myself for now so I can decide what’s best for me. Will he ever truly change? We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 5. I only uncovered all of this in mid-2023, but it’s clear it’s been happening for years. If we hadn’t been together for so long, and if I didn’t believe there was genuine love between us, I would’ve left a long time ago.

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Quintin Theobald

On New Year’s Eve, my (31F) husband (33M) got up from the couch with his phone, saying he really needed to go to the bathroom. This was typical for him, so I didn’t think twice about it. We spent the rest of the night hanging out into New Year’s Day, during which my husband ended up drinking a lot. The next morning, at 4:45 AM, his phone alarm started going off. I shook him to turn it off, but he was completely passed out. I got up and silenced it. Ten minutes later, it went off again. Frustrated, I picked up his phone and thought, "Well, I rarely check his phone anymore—maybe I’ll just take a quick look while he’s passed out." When I opened Snapchat, I saw a chat with a porn account that our female friend (also his coworker) uses to send her nudes. Months ago, he told me she was doing that, but I naively assumed he’d never engage with it. I was wrong. The chat revealed that he asked her for nudes, chatted explicitly, and called her about 10 times while drunk before passing out and forgetting to delete the conversation. Based on the tone of the messages, this wasn’t the first time he’d interacted with her like this. She barely responded but did send explicit photos when asked. We went through couples counseling from February to April of 2024 after I caught him last year chatting with a high school female friend, sexting strangers, paying for a female friend's OnlyFans, watching all kinds of porn (including trans content), and visiting random chat sites. We separated for four months. He begged me to come back, promising he’d change, and I believed him. Now, I see that there was even a message from the same Snapchat account from when we were in the middle of counseling. I haven’t confronted him yet. I feel like keeping this information to myself for now so I can decide what’s best for me. Will he ever truly change? We’ve been together for 10 years, married for 5. I only uncovered all of this in mid-2023, but it’s clear it’s been happening for years. If we hadn’t been together for so long, and if I didn’t believe there was genuine love between us, I would’ve left a long time ago.

a month ago

771

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. It’s clear you’ve been trying to give your husband the benefit of the doubt, holding onto the love and history you’ve shared. However, repeated breaches of trust like this are deeply hurtful and exhausting to endure.

Here are some thoughts to consider:

Patterns of Behavior: While people can change, his actions show a repeated disregard for your boundaries and trust. Even during counseling, when change should’ve been a focus, he was still engaging in harmful behavior. This pattern is concerning.
Accountability and Transparency: True change requires him to take full accountability and actively rebuild trust, including consistent transparency. Without visible, sustained effort, the promises of change are empty.
Protecting Yourself: It’s understandable that you want to keep this information private for now. Take time to process and determine what you need for your emotional and mental well-being.
Evaluating Love vs. Respect: While love is a foundation, mutual respect and trust are essential in any relationship. Ask yourself if this relationship provides the respect and security you need.
Professional Support: Revisit counseling—either together or individually—to navigate your emotions and gain clarity about what’s next for you.

Ultimately, you deserve a relationship that makes you feel safe, valued, and respected. If his repeated actions demonstrate otherwise, it’s worth considering whether staying is truly in your best interest. Change is possible, but it has to be consistent, genuine, and proven—not just promised.

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