I (30F) feel like my boyfriend (28M) is taking advantage of me financially, and I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable or if I’m in an unhealthy situation. To give some background, we’ve been together for a year and a half. We don’t live together because both of us have pets that don’t get along. My boyfriend is generally kind and trustworthy, and he has a stable job with good pay. I, on the other hand, suffer from chronic illnesses that make it difficult for me to work at the moment. So, I’ve been on a tight budget for quite some time. Since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve kept track of all our expenses meticulously. I started doing this because we agreed early on that we would take turns covering costs, but I knew that I had limited financial resources. So, I decided to keep track so that I could pay him back for whatever I owed. Even though I have a bad memory, I’ve always made sure to pay him back promptly, and I’ve even helped him out when he faced some financial difficulties. A few months ago, I found out that I’m severely burnt out. I was already struggling with my health, and my exhaustion had only gotten worse. I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t keep up with our previous routine of alternating meals and cooking at his place. I just didn’t have the energy to cook or drive to see him as often. He initially resisted, but after I explained how much it was affecting me, we agreed that he would visit me on his way to or from work, to save on gas. For a couple of weeks, he was supportive, and I managed to get by, only cooking a few meals here and there. However, soon I realized I was still cooking more often than I had anticipated—more meals than he was preparing. He would ask me to cook certain meals, but never followed through with picking recipes, so I ended up doing more than I agreed to. After a few weeks, I expressed my frustration, and I could tell he was doing this on purpose to avoid cooking. When I mentioned it, he just grinned, but I was too exhausted to argue. On top of that, I’ve been paying for gas for my car, which I also use to drive us places, while he hardly ever drives his car anymore. He claims my car is older, so he prefers not to use it, but I still pay for all the gas. Every month, I end up covering these costs without much input from him, and it’s been taking a toll on my mental health. During the holidays, things got even more complicated. I paid for groceries and gas again, while he cooked for Christmas Eve, and we drove to my family’s house using my car. He didn’t keep track of the money properly, and when I asked him to total everything I owed for the groceries, he never did. For New Year’s Eve, he told me at the last minute that I had to cook, and when I couldn’t get everything in time, I felt like I’d failed. Recently, he asked me to start paying for groceries on top of gas, which made me feel even worse. I already thought I was paying my fair share, but he never makes the effort to track expenses and tell me exactly what I owe him. He keeps insisting that I should be paying more without offering any clarity on the matter. What really stings is that when we first started dating, we agreed to exchange small gifts every month to celebrate our anniversary. I’ve been keeping up with this, but he hasn’t given me anything for months. He says the snacks he buys me should count as gifts, but that’s not what we agreed on. My love language is gifts, and this situation makes me feel unappreciated. In the back of my mind, I feel like my financial struggles are becoming a burden to him, and I’m starting to question if this relationship is fair to me. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, especially since I’m already mentally and physically exhausted. But every time I try to bring it up, he either brushes it off or gets defensive. I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or if this is actually a form of financial manipulation. I’m trying to get better and not rely on him so much, but every time I think I’m doing better, the situation just gets worse. I feel like I’m constantly failing, and it’s starting to weigh on me heavily. What should I do? Am I being taken advantage of in my state of exhaustion, or is this a fair agreement?

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Nadia Salman

I (30F) feel like my boyfriend (28M) is taking advantage of me financially, and I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable or if I’m in an unhealthy situation. To give some background, we’ve been together for a year and a half. We don’t live together because both of us have pets that don’t get along. My boyfriend is generally kind and trustworthy, and he has a stable job with good pay. I, on the other hand, suffer from chronic illnesses that make it difficult for me to work at the moment. So, I’ve been on a tight budget for quite some time. Since the beginning of our relationship, I’ve kept track of all our expenses meticulously. I started doing this because we agreed early on that we would take turns covering costs, but I knew that I had limited financial resources. So, I decided to keep track so that I could pay him back for whatever I owed. Even though I have a bad memory, I’ve always made sure to pay him back promptly, and I’ve even helped him out when he faced some financial difficulties. A few months ago, I found out that I’m severely burnt out. I was already struggling with my health, and my exhaustion had only gotten worse. I told my boyfriend that I couldn’t keep up with our previous routine of alternating meals and cooking at his place. I just didn’t have the energy to cook or drive to see him as often. He initially resisted, but after I explained how much it was affecting me, we agreed that he would visit me on his way to or from work, to save on gas. For a couple of weeks, he was supportive, and I managed to get by, only cooking a few meals here and there. However, soon I realized I was still cooking more often than I had anticipated—more meals than he was preparing. He would ask me to cook certain meals, but never followed through with picking recipes, so I ended up doing more than I agreed to. After a few weeks, I expressed my frustration, and I could tell he was doing this on purpose to avoid cooking. When I mentioned it, he just grinned, but I was too exhausted to argue. On top of that, I’ve been paying for gas for my car, which I also use to drive us places, while he hardly ever drives his car anymore. He claims my car is older, so he prefers not to use it, but I still pay for all the gas. Every month, I end up covering these costs without much input from him, and it’s been taking a toll on my mental health. During the holidays, things got even more complicated. I paid for groceries and gas again, while he cooked for Christmas Eve, and we drove to my family’s house using my car. He didn’t keep track of the money properly, and when I asked him to total everything I owed for the groceries, he never did. For New Year’s Eve, he told me at the last minute that I had to cook, and when I couldn’t get everything in time, I felt like I’d failed. Recently, he asked me to start paying for groceries on top of gas, which made me feel even worse. I already thought I was paying my fair share, but he never makes the effort to track expenses and tell me exactly what I owe him. He keeps insisting that I should be paying more without offering any clarity on the matter. What really stings is that when we first started dating, we agreed to exchange small gifts every month to celebrate our anniversary. I’ve been keeping up with this, but he hasn’t given me anything for months. He says the snacks he buys me should count as gifts, but that’s not what we agreed on. My love language is gifts, and this situation makes me feel unappreciated. In the back of my mind, I feel like my financial struggles are becoming a burden to him, and I’m starting to question if this relationship is fair to me. I feel like I’m being taken advantage of, especially since I’m already mentally and physically exhausted. But every time I try to bring it up, he either brushes it off or gets defensive. I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable or if this is actually a form of financial manipulation. I’m trying to get better and not rely on him so much, but every time I think I’m doing better, the situation just gets worse. I feel like I’m constantly failing, and it’s starting to weigh on me heavily. What should I do? Am I being taken advantage of in my state of exhaustion, or is this a fair agreement?

a month ago

From your detailed account, it appears that you are grappling with a complex situation that raises valid concerns about the dynamics of your relationship, particularly regarding financial arrangements and emotional support. Let’s break down the various aspects of your situation to better understand whether you might be experiencing financial abuse or if these arrangements are simply a matter of miscommunication and differing expectations.

Financial Responsibilities and Imbalance

It seems that you have taken on the responsibility of managing your shared expenses meticulously, which is commendable. However, the fact that you feel you are consistently at a disadvantage—both in terms of the meals prepared and the financial contributions—is concerning. For example:

You mentioned that you agreed to cook four meals a week while he only cooks three. This imbalance can lead to feelings of being overwhelmed, especially considering your health conditions.
Your boyfriend’s insistence that you start paying for groceries on top of gas, despite you already contributing significantly, raises red flags. If he is not willing to share the burden of expenses equally, it may indicate a lack of consideration for your financial situation.

Communication and Expectations

Effective communication is crucial in any relationship, particularly regarding finances. Your boyfriend seems to have a different understanding of your agreements:

He has not communicated clearly about the meals and grocery costs, which has left you feeling confused and taken advantage of. For instance, he did not do the math regarding what you owe him for groceries, which you have offered him to clarify.
The lack of follow-through on gift-giving, which is important to you, suggests that he may not fully appreciate your love language. His reasoning that snack contributions replace the agreed-upon gifts diminishes the emotional significance you place on these gestures.

Emotional Burden and Self-Worth

Your self-esteem appears to be affected by this dynamic, as you feel like a burden due to your financial situation and health challenges. The following points highlight this concern:

Your boyfriend’s complaints about costs can make you feel guilty or undeserving of his support, which is not a healthy dynamic in a relationship.
Having experienced abusive relationships in the past, it’s crucial to ensure that your current relationship does not replicate those patterns. Financial abuse often manifests through manipulation, guilt, and control, which seems to echo in your situation.

Assessing Financial Abuse

Financial abuse can take many forms, including:

Controlling spending and financial decisions without mutual agreement.
Creating a power imbalance where one partner feels responsible for all financial burdens.
Using finances as a means to manipulate or exert control.

Based on what you have described, it’s essential to evaluate whether your boyfriend is intentionally trying to control your financial contributions or if there is a misunderstanding that needs to be addressed. Your feelings of being taken advantage of during a time of mental exhaustion are valid.

Moving Forward

Here are some steps you might consider:

Open Communication: Have an honest conversation with your boyfriend about how you feel regarding the financial arrangements and emotional support. Express your concerns clearly.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries regarding financial contributions and responsibilities that feel fair to both of you.
Seek Support: Consider talking to a trusted friend or a mental health professional about your feelings and the dynamics of your relationship.
Reflect on Your Needs: Think about what you need from this relationship to feel supported and valued, and assess whether those needs are being met.

Ultimately, your well-being should be a priority. If you find that your boyfriend is unwilling to engage in constructive dialogue or make changes that support a healthier dynamic, it may be necessary to reconsider the relationship.

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