Kym Chanel

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I (19F) have been dating my boyfriend (21M) for almost a year. Our relationship is strong, and he's been really understanding of my severe anxiety and mood swings. We plan on getting married and are really serious about each other. I love him a lot, and he loves me too. However, there's something that's been bothering me. A couple of years ago, he met a girl, and they went on a date or two, but she lives in another country. He says they only made out and nothing more happened, but they've stayed in contact ever since—texting and calling each other all this time. When we started dating, he told me that he was mad at me and that she was prettier and more interesting than me. He also hid that they were texting while we were together. Now, he wants permission to call and text her, saying he has a crush on her and wants to flirt. He insists that he would never cheat, but that he just wants some online fun. It makes me feel horrible. I feel like if I tell him he can’t do it, he’ll just do it behind my back and get mad at me for being "boring." I don’t know what to do. Please don't tell me to break up with him because that’s not an option for me, but I could really use some advice. Answer (Rewritten): It sounds like you’re in a difficult situation, and I can understand why you’re feeling hurt and confused. You clearly care about your boyfriend and want to make this work, but his behavior seems to be crossing boundaries that are crucial in a healthy relationship. Here are some things to think about: Your Feelings Are Valid: It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling hurt by him saying she’s "prettier" and "more interesting" than you. That’s an incredibly hurtful thing to say, especially when you’re committed to each other. It’s also concerning that he hid their communication from you. Trust is a foundation in any relationship, and it seems like that trust has been shaken. Setting Boundaries is Important: In relationships, boundaries are crucial, and it’s essential for both people to respect each other’s comfort levels. It’s okay to tell him that you’re uncomfortable with him texting or flirting with someone else, especially someone he has a romantic history with. If he’s asking for your permission to do something that makes you feel bad, it’s okay to say no. You deserve to feel secure and valued in your relationship. His Request Is Concerning: Wanting to keep in contact with someone he has a romantic history with, especially when he’s openly telling you that he has a "crush" on her, is not something you should feel obligated to accept. It’s important to ask yourself what you need from a partner in order to feel respected, and it’s clear that this situation isn’t meeting those needs. He might be asking for online "fun," but it seems like this could lead to more emotional investment that could harm your relationship. Communicate Clearly: It might help to have an open and honest conversation with him about how you feel. Explain that you don’t feel comfortable with his request to flirt with someone else and that you value mutual respect and trust. Tell him that his behavior has hurt you and make it clear that you need reassurance that he values you and your relationship more than these online interactions. Consider the Bigger Picture: Think about how his behavior might affect the long-term stability of your relationship. If he continues to downplay your concerns and pursue interactions that make you uncomfortable, it may lead to bigger issues down the line. You deserve someone who respects your feelings and shows you love through actions, not just words. Ultimately, it’s important to stand firm in your boundaries and communicate your feelings. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect, trust, and understanding, and you deserve that from your partner. If he is unwilling to respect your needs, you may need to reevaluate what is best for you in the long term.