Stephania Justin

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I'm 18, and so is my boyfriend. We've been dating for about 7 months, and this is both of our first relationships. We’re also both at the same university. He’s a great guy, and I do love him, but I’m starting to question if our values align. I’m not sure if it’s just that he’s insecure or if we really don’t have compatible values. For instance, he doesn’t like that I’m close with one of my best friends, who happens to be a guy. He recently came out as gay, and we’ve been friends since 5th grade. My boyfriend wants me to stop hanging out with him one-on-one, even though we don’t do that often. If we’re both free, we might run errands together, like going to Target or thrifting. He also made me cancel a trip to Arizona to visit some of my girlfriends because a guy who used to like me was going to be there. I get that this guy still likes me, but I feel frustrated that I had to cancel my girls trip just because of this. Another thing is that he gets upset when I wear certain things when he’s not around. He says I can wear whatever I want when we’re together, but if I go out without him, I have to wear longer clothes and cover up more, especially when going to bars. I’m also not allowed to go to frat parties because he’s concerned about how other guys might look at me. I’ve told him it’s not my fault how other people look at me, but he says it’s all the same to guys, and I just don’t know what to think about this. I’m starting to feel guilty for wanting to do things on my own because he doesn’t go out or talk to other girls. He also doesn’t have issues like this. It’s like he’s setting rules for how I should act, and I don’t know if this is normal in relationships. I’m starting to feel like I’m too young for this kind of commitment, and I don’t know if this is just how relationships are supposed to be. I’m asking for advice on what to do, because I’m feeling weighed down by all of this. Answer (Rewritten): First off, I want to say that your feelings are valid. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of pressure and control in your relationship, and it’s natural to feel conflicted about it, especially since you care for your boyfriend and want to make the relationship work. However, relationships should be built on mutual respect and trust, and it seems like there are some red flags that you should consider. Boundaries and Control: Your boyfriend seems to be setting a lot of boundaries that feel controlling rather than respectful. It’s one thing to express discomfort with certain situations, but it’s another to tell you who you can hang out with or how to dress when he’s not around. He’s telling you to stop being close with a long-time friend just because of his insecurities, and that’s concerning. Healthy relationships involve trust and the freedom to maintain your own friendships without fear of guilt or judgment. Insecurity and Trust Issues: His behavior around the trip and the way he wants to limit your independence suggests that he may have some insecurity or trust issues. While it’s okay for him to express concerns about an ex who still likes you, trying to control your choices—like canceling plans or telling you what to wear—is not healthy. You deserve to feel free and confident in your decisions, whether it's hanging out with friends or dressing how you want to feel good about yourself. Setting Boundaries for Yourself: It’s important to set boundaries and be clear about your own needs in a relationship. If you feel like he’s being too controlling or trying to shape your behavior based on his own insecurities, it’s okay to have a conversation about it. You deserve to feel respected, not restricted. Relationships are about compromise, but that doesn’t mean giving up your own agency or the things that make you happy. Personal Growth and Independence: You’re still very young, and it’s natural to want to explore your independence while in a relationship. It’s okay to have your own hobbies, friendships, and personal space. It’s also important to ensure that you don’t lose yourself in a relationship. Being in a relationship shouldn’t mean sacrificing your independence or the things that make you feel confident and happy. Communication: Have an honest conversation with him about how his actions make you feel. Tell him that you respect his concerns, but you also need to maintain your independence and feel trusted in the relationship. Explain how his requests to control who you see, what you wear, and where you go are starting to feel like rules rather than boundaries. Evaluating the Relationship: If, after discussing these concerns, he doesn’t show understanding or compromise, you may need to evaluate if this relationship is still healthy for you. Relationships require balance, and it’s important that both partners feel heard, respected, and free to be themselves. You’re still young and learning about yourself, and it’s important to be in a relationship where you feel supported in your growth. If this relationship starts to feel like it’s holding you back or causing you to doubt yourself, it might be worth considering how it aligns with what you truly need and deserve.