I (21F) am struggling with how to express myself in my relationship with my boyfriend (22M), and I really need advice on how to handle things without causing arguments. Here’s some background: We’ve been together since high school, and don’t get me wrong—my boyfriend isn’t a bad person, but he has his issues like everyone else. However, some of these issues have been affecting my mental health. A big problem we’ve had in our relationship is the use of social media, particularly the content my boyfriend engages with. I’m not talking about just being on social media or scrolling, but the things he watches and comes across—like thirst traps. When we first started dating, I told him how uncomfortable these things made me and asked him to stop engaging with them, as we were in a relationship. He explained that he was exposed to that kind of content at a young age, which I understood, but I thought over time it would change. Sadly, after three years, we’re still dealing with the same issues, although they’ve become less frequent. There have been times when I’ve confronted him, and he’s lied about it, which only made me lose trust. Once, I even found a "black girls to date" post on his Facebook, and though he claimed it was a misclick, it felt hard to believe, considering the history of thirst traps and lies. Over time, this has really affected my self-esteem. I’ve struggled with low confidence and trust, sometimes even believing he would cheat on me, since these things still seem to affect our relationship. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough. I’ve been working on trying not to be bothered by it or to stop thinking about it, but it’s mentally draining. The bigger issue now is that whenever I try to express how I feel, it turns into an argument. It feels like my feelings are a problem, but when I try to understand his perspective, we rarely argue. At one point, I even told him I’d stop expressing my feelings altogether to avoid fights, but it’s hard for me because I’ve always been someone who shares how I feel. Recently, when I did open up about my feelings, it once again led to an argument, and I ended up apologizing for simply speaking up. This has led me to emotionally shut down, which has only made my Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) worse. When these things happen, I physically shake and get headaches, then distance myself for hours because of the overwhelming anxiety. I don’t take medication because my emotional support cat helps me, but even that’s not always enough to calm me down. I’ve also decided to stop asking for reassurance from him about the thirst traps and similar issues because I feel like it might be too much for him, and I don’t want to pressure him into changing anymore. Instead, I’m telling myself I’ll just wait for change without asking for reassurance, and I plan to work on my mental health to handle these issues on my own. I sometimes feel guilty because I’ve asked him so many times to change these habits, and I wonder if that’s what causes him to get upset. I’ve suggested couples therapy, but he disagreed, which led me to drop the idea. I plan to go to therapy by myself to work on myself. I’ve also noticed that it bothers him when I post quotes on my stories when I’m feeling upset, but since I can’t express myself to him directly, I don’t want to talk to family or friends about it for fear they’ll dislike him. The only way I can express myself is through these online posts, and when people notice and check on me, it helps me feel heard and supported. Thank you for reading this long message—I really appreciate just being able to share my thoughts. TL;DR: I (21F) struggle with expressing myself to my boyfriend (22M), especially when asking for reassurance, as it often leads to arguments. This has made me feel like my emotions are a problem. What can I do to handle this without causing more conflict?

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Editha Sheri

I (21F) am struggling with how to express myself in my relationship with my boyfriend (22M), and I really need advice on how to handle things without causing arguments. Here’s some background: We’ve been together since high school, and don’t get me wrong—my boyfriend isn’t a bad person, but he has his issues like everyone else. However, some of these issues have been affecting my mental health. A big problem we’ve had in our relationship is the use of social media, particularly the content my boyfriend engages with. I’m not talking about just being on social media or scrolling, but the things he watches and comes across—like thirst traps. When we first started dating, I told him how uncomfortable these things made me and asked him to stop engaging with them, as we were in a relationship. He explained that he was exposed to that kind of content at a young age, which I understood, but I thought over time it would change. Sadly, after three years, we’re still dealing with the same issues, although they’ve become less frequent. There have been times when I’ve confronted him, and he’s lied about it, which only made me lose trust. Once, I even found a "black girls to date" post on his Facebook, and though he claimed it was a misclick, it felt hard to believe, considering the history of thirst traps and lies. Over time, this has really affected my self-esteem. I’ve struggled with low confidence and trust, sometimes even believing he would cheat on me, since these things still seem to affect our relationship. It makes me feel like I’m not good enough. I’ve been working on trying not to be bothered by it or to stop thinking about it, but it’s mentally draining. The bigger issue now is that whenever I try to express how I feel, it turns into an argument. It feels like my feelings are a problem, but when I try to understand his perspective, we rarely argue. At one point, I even told him I’d stop expressing my feelings altogether to avoid fights, but it’s hard for me because I’ve always been someone who shares how I feel. Recently, when I did open up about my feelings, it once again led to an argument, and I ended up apologizing for simply speaking up. This has led me to emotionally shut down, which has only made my Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD) worse. When these things happen, I physically shake and get headaches, then distance myself for hours because of the overwhelming anxiety. I don’t take medication because my emotional support cat helps me, but even that’s not always enough to calm me down. I’ve also decided to stop asking for reassurance from him about the thirst traps and similar issues because I feel like it might be too much for him, and I don’t want to pressure him into changing anymore. Instead, I’m telling myself I’ll just wait for change without asking for reassurance, and I plan to work on my mental health to handle these issues on my own. I sometimes feel guilty because I’ve asked him so many times to change these habits, and I wonder if that’s what causes him to get upset. I’ve suggested couples therapy, but he disagreed, which led me to drop the idea. I plan to go to therapy by myself to work on myself. I’ve also noticed that it bothers him when I post quotes on my stories when I’m feeling upset, but since I can’t express myself to him directly, I don’t want to talk to family or friends about it for fear they’ll dislike him. The only way I can express myself is through these online posts, and when people notice and check on me, it helps me feel heard and supported. Thank you for reading this long message—I really appreciate just being able to share my thoughts. TL;DR: I (21F) struggle with expressing myself to my boyfriend (22M), especially when asking for reassurance, as it often leads to arguments. This has made me feel like my emotions are a problem. What can I do to handle this without causing more conflict?

a month ago

838

It sounds like you are navigating a complex and emotionally challenging situation in your relationship. It's commendable that you are seeking ways to express yourself better and to prevent arguments. Here are some strategies you can consider to improve communication and strengthen your relationship:

1. Understand Your Feelings

Before communicating with your boyfriend, take some time to reflect on your feelings. Journaling can be a helpful tool here. Write down your thoughts and emotions related to the issues you face. This will help you clarify what you want to express and why it matters to you.

2. Use “I” Statements

When discussing sensitive topics, try to use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. This approach focuses on your feelings rather than placing blame. For example:

Instead of saying, “You always make me feel insecure,” you could say, “I feel insecure when I see certain things online.”

This shift can help reduce defensiveness and encourage a more open dialogue.

3. Choose the Right Time to Talk

Timing can significantly impact the outcome of a conversation. Try to find a moment when both of you are calm and relaxed. Avoid discussing heavy topics during stressful times or when either of you is preoccupied.

4. Set Boundaries and Expectations

Discuss and agree on boundaries regarding social media and what makes each of you uncomfortable. It’s essential to communicate these boundaries clearly:

“I would appreciate it if you could avoid certain types of content that make me uncomfortable.”
“Can we agree to check in with each other about this regularly?”

This way, both of you know what to expect and can work together to create a more secure environment.

5. Practice Active Listening

Encourage your boyfriend to share his feelings and listen actively. This means giving him your full attention, acknowledging his feelings, and reflecting back what you hear:

“It sounds like you feel overwhelmed when I bring up my concerns about social media.”

Active listening can help both of you feel heard and understood, which may reduce the likelihood of arguments.

6. Seek Professional Help

While you mentioned that couples therapy caused disagreement, individual therapy can be incredibly beneficial for you. A therapist can help you develop coping strategies for your anxiety and improve your communication skills. You might also revisit the idea of couples therapy later, perhaps framing it as a joint effort to strengthen the relationship rather than a solution to problems.

7. Create a Support System

It’s important to have a support system outside of your relationship. Consider talking to trusted friends or family members about your feelings. This can help you process emotions without placing the burden solely on your boyfriend. If privacy is a concern, you can express your feelings without disclosing personal details about him.

8. Develop Coping Strategies for Anxiety

Since you mentioned experiencing anxiety, it’s essential to have coping strategies in place. Here are a few techniques you might find helpful:

Deep breathing exercises to calm your mind.
Mindfulness or meditation practices to stay grounded.
Engaging in physical activity or hobbies that bring you joy.

9. Avoid Social Media Triggers

While it’s not always possible to control what others post, you can curate your own social media experience. Unfollow accounts that trigger negative feelings and engage with content that uplifts you.

10. Be Patient with Yourself

Change takes time, both for you and your boyfriend. Be patient with yourself as you work on expressing your feelings and improving your mental health. Celebrate small victories and progress along the way.

Ultimately, it’s about creating an environment where both of you feel safe to express your feelings without fear of conflict. Remember, open communication is a skill that can be developed over time, and it’s okay to seek help along the way.

Thank you for sharing your story, and I wish you the best in your journey towards better communication and understanding in your relationship.

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