I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (22M) for about 8 months, but we were only officially together for about 3 months before he was deployed. We both agreed from the beginning that we were marriage-minded, but as time has passed, I’ve started to feel nervous about how quickly everything is moving and the challenges of long-distance relationships. We got together quite fast, and while I was initially hesitant, I really like him, so I went ahead with it. He has been thoughtful and caring—he got me an amazing birthday gift and always goes out of his way to see me. He is everything I want in a partner. However, I’m realizing that I’ve never been the long-distance type, and this deployment has made me rethink how I feel about that. We talk every day, but it hit me that his deployments will likely be a regular thing, and I’m not sure I can handle it long-term. What’s also speeding things up is the idea of marriage. He suggested a courthouse wedding and an official ceremony later on, mainly because he may need to move and wants me to be with him, especially to leave the barracks. I wasn’t comfortable with that idea, so he agreed to a longer engagement. We haven’t gotten engaged yet, but we’ve already talked about the future and our plans. While I understand that a longer engagement might give me time to adjust, I’m still not sure if I can handle a life of regular long-distance relationships. I love him deeply, and he’s been incredibly supportive, but I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to hurt him or lose him because he’s an amazing man, but I’m also realizing that this lifestyle might not be compatible with me in the long run. I’m feeling excited for when he comes home but also anxious about these concerns that have popped up. I’m afraid that as time goes on, the emotional toll of long-distance will get harder, especially with multiple deployments. I don’t want to break his heart, but I also don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m constantly feeling lonely. I love him, but I’m unsure how this lifestyle will work for me, especially since I’ve never experienced it before.

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Sable Rosalin

I (20F) have been dating my boyfriend (22M) for about 8 months, but we were only officially together for about 3 months before he was deployed. We both agreed from the beginning that we were marriage-minded, but as time has passed, I’ve started to feel nervous about how quickly everything is moving and the challenges of long-distance relationships. We got together quite fast, and while I was initially hesitant, I really like him, so I went ahead with it. He has been thoughtful and caring—he got me an amazing birthday gift and always goes out of his way to see me. He is everything I want in a partner. However, I’m realizing that I’ve never been the long-distance type, and this deployment has made me rethink how I feel about that. We talk every day, but it hit me that his deployments will likely be a regular thing, and I’m not sure I can handle it long-term. What’s also speeding things up is the idea of marriage. He suggested a courthouse wedding and an official ceremony later on, mainly because he may need to move and wants me to be with him, especially to leave the barracks. I wasn’t comfortable with that idea, so he agreed to a longer engagement. We haven’t gotten engaged yet, but we’ve already talked about the future and our plans. While I understand that a longer engagement might give me time to adjust, I’m still not sure if I can handle a life of regular long-distance relationships. I love him deeply, and he’s been incredibly supportive, but I’m starting to feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to hurt him or lose him because he’s an amazing man, but I’m also realizing that this lifestyle might not be compatible with me in the long run. I’m feeling excited for when he comes home but also anxious about these concerns that have popped up. I’m afraid that as time goes on, the emotional toll of long-distance will get harder, especially with multiple deployments. I don’t want to break his heart, but I also don’t want to put myself in a situation where I’m constantly feeling lonely. I love him, but I’m unsure how this lifestyle will work for me, especially since I’ve never experienced it before.

a month ago

It sounds like you're in a challenging situation, and it's completely understandable to feel overwhelmed by the pace of your relationship and the prospect of a long-distance commitment. Here are some thoughts and suggestions that might help you navigate your feelings and decisions:

1. Reflect on Your Feelings

Before making any decisions, take some time to reflect on your feelings. It’s important to acknowledge that it’s okay to feel nervous about the future. Consider writing down your thoughts in a journal. Ask yourself:

What do I love about him?
What am I afraid of?
What do I need in a relationship to feel secure and happy?

2. Communicate Openly

Having an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend is crucial. Share your concerns about the speed of the relationship and the long-distance aspect. You might say something like:

"I really care about you and see a future together, but I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by how fast things are moving. Can we slow things down a bit?"

Expressing your feelings will not only help you feel more at ease, but it will also give him a chance to understand your perspective.

3. Discuss Long-Distance Challenges

Long-distance relationships can be tough, especially for someone who has never experienced it before. It might help to discuss what long-distance will look like for both of you:

How often will you communicate?
What plans do you have for visits?
How will you handle the emotional challenges that come with being apart?

This discussion can help both of you set realistic expectations and prepare for the challenges ahead.

4. Consider a Longer Engagement

Since you’ve mentioned that he is open to a longer engagement, this might be a good compromise. A longer engagement can provide you with:

More time to get to know each other deeply.
The opportunity to experience being apart and see how you both handle it.
Space to evaluate your feelings and the relationship’s dynamics.

This approach allows you to remain committed while also giving you time to adjust to the idea of marriage.

5. Seek Support

Connecting with others who have experienced military relationships can provide valuable insights. Online forums or local support groups can offer a space to share your feelings and learn from others’ experiences. Hearing from military spouses or partners can give you a clearer picture of what to expect.

6. Trust Your Instincts

Ultimately, trust your instincts. If you feel that the relationship is moving too quickly and is not sustainable for you, it's important to honor those feelings. It’s better to address these concerns now rather than later when feelings may be even more complicated.

Conclusion

Remember, love is not just about the excitement of the relationship but also about compatibility, communication, and mutual understanding. You deserve to feel comfortable and secure in your relationship, so take the time you need to figure out what is best for you.

Whatever you decide, make sure it aligns with your values and needs. Good luck!

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