I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for over two years, and we’ve always communicated in English. He moved to Germany five years ago and wants to learn German, but his day-to-day interactions, including with me, are mostly in English. Recently, he asked why I don’t speak German with him, and I told him it’s just easier for me to speak English. He then asked if I preferred to always speak English, and I said yes. He sarcastically responded with, "Thanks for your effort," and left the bed. I apologized and suggested we try to compromise, but he shut down and didn’t want to discuss it further. The next morning, we had a tense silence. Switching languages feels unnatural after two years of speaking English, and sometimes his German mistakes or pretending to understand things when he doesn’t frustrate me. While I want to support his learning, I feel it’s reasonable to stick to English, where communication feels easier and more natural. I’m questioning if I’m being unfair in this situation, and whether I should make more of an effort to speak German with him, even if it feels frustrating. TL;DR: I don’t feel comfortable speaking German with my boyfriend after two years of speaking English. He wants to practice German, but his mistakes make communication frustrating. He got upset when I said I prefer English, and now there’s tension. Am I being unfair? Update: After reflecting, I realize I was being selfish and unfair. We had a heated argument about our relationship, but afterward, he reassured me of his commitment to our future. We’ve started speaking more German, and it’s getting easier. I still prefer English, but I understand the importance of supporting his language learning. However, I recently discovered a note on his phone where he vented about me, calling me selfish and saying he’s sacrificing everything for me with nothing in return. I also saw he’d been watching videos like "Why do you want a girlfriend?" and "Why being alone is better than any relationship." This contradicts his reassurances, and I feel hurt and conflicted, though I haven’t mentioned it to him since I wasn’t supposed to see it. TL;DR: I realized I was selfish and have committed to improving. After an argument, my boyfriend reassured me of his commitment, but I found a note where he vented negatively about me and watched videos questioning relationships, which hurts and confuses me. I haven’t brought it up since I wasn’t supposed to see it.

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Presley Sybella

I (22F) have been with my boyfriend (30M) for over two years, and we’ve always communicated in English. He moved to Germany five years ago and wants to learn German, but his day-to-day interactions, including with me, are mostly in English. Recently, he asked why I don’t speak German with him, and I told him it’s just easier for me to speak English. He then asked if I preferred to always speak English, and I said yes. He sarcastically responded with, "Thanks for your effort," and left the bed. I apologized and suggested we try to compromise, but he shut down and didn’t want to discuss it further. The next morning, we had a tense silence. Switching languages feels unnatural after two years of speaking English, and sometimes his German mistakes or pretending to understand things when he doesn’t frustrate me. While I want to support his learning, I feel it’s reasonable to stick to English, where communication feels easier and more natural. I’m questioning if I’m being unfair in this situation, and whether I should make more of an effort to speak German with him, even if it feels frustrating. TL;DR: I don’t feel comfortable speaking German with my boyfriend after two years of speaking English. He wants to practice German, but his mistakes make communication frustrating. He got upset when I said I prefer English, and now there’s tension. Am I being unfair? Update: After reflecting, I realize I was being selfish and unfair. We had a heated argument about our relationship, but afterward, he reassured me of his commitment to our future. We’ve started speaking more German, and it’s getting easier. I still prefer English, but I understand the importance of supporting his language learning. However, I recently discovered a note on his phone where he vented about me, calling me selfish and saying he’s sacrificing everything for me with nothing in return. I also saw he’d been watching videos like "Why do you want a girlfriend?" and "Why being alone is better than any relationship." This contradicts his reassurances, and I feel hurt and conflicted, though I haven’t mentioned it to him since I wasn’t supposed to see it. TL;DR: I realized I was selfish and have committed to improving. After an argument, my boyfriend reassured me of his commitment, but I found a note where he vented negatively about me and watched videos questioning relationships, which hurts and confuses me. I haven’t brought it up since I wasn’t supposed to see it.

a month ago

It's completely understandable to feel conflicted about the language issue in your relationship. Communication is the cornerstone of any relationship, and when language becomes a barrier, it can lead to misunderstandings and frustration. Here are a few points to consider that might help you navigate this situation:

1. The Importance of Comfort in Communication

Language is not just a means of communication; it also carries emotional weight. You’ve built a strong bond over the past two years using English, a language that feels natural and comfortable for you. Shifting to German may feel forced or awkward, especially when you have a history of meaningful conversations in English. It's important to acknowledge that your preference for English is valid. You should feel comfortable expressing your thoughts and feelings, and if that’s easier in English, it’s reasonable to stick with it.

2. Your Boyfriend's Language Learning Journey

Your boyfriend's desire to learn German is commendable, and it shows his commitment to integrating into his new environment. However, it’s essential to recognize that learning a new language involves mistakes and misunderstandings, which can be frustrating for both of you. If he feels confident but struggles with basic sentences, this can lead to miscommunication, which you've already experienced. It’s crucial for him to understand that while practicing is important, it should not come at the cost of clear communication between the two of you.

3. Finding a Compromise

It’s great that you’re open to finding a compromise. Setting aside specific times for speaking German, as you mentioned, can be a productive way to support his learning while maintaining clear communication. You might also consider using a mix of both languages. For example, you could agree to speak German during specific activities (like cooking together) and switch back to English for deeper conversations. This approach allows both of you to feel comfortable while also giving him the opportunity to practice.

4. Addressing the Tension

The tension that arose after your conversation about language indicates that there are deeper issues at play in your relationship. It’s vital to address these feelings openly. If he feels you’re not supporting his language learning, it might stem from a broader concern about emotional support in your relationship. Consider having an open dialogue where both of you can express your feelings without judgment. This can help clear the air and strengthen your bond.

5. The Note and Your Feelings

Discovering the note where he vented about you is understandably hurtful. It’s essential to approach this situation delicately. He may have expressed his frustrations in the heat of the moment, but it’s crucial to address how it made you feel. Consider bringing it up in a non-confrontational way, perhaps by stating how it made you feel rather than accusing him of wrongdoing. You could say something like, “I found a note on your phone, and it hurt me to read those words. Can we talk about how we can better support each other?”

6. Moving Forward

Ultimately, relationships require compromise and understanding from both partners. While it’s essential to support your boyfriend in his language learning, it’s equally important for him to respect your communication preferences. Finding a balance where both of you feel heard and supported is key to a healthy relationship. As you continue to navigate these challenges, remember that it’s okay to take your time in adjusting to new dynamics.

Conclusion

In summary, you are not being unfair for wanting to communicate in a language that feels comfortable to you. Open communication about your feelings, along with a willingness to compromise, can help strengthen your relationship. It’s essential to address the hurt you feel from discovering the note while also supporting each other’s growth. Relationships are a journey, and it’s okay to seek help, whether through friends, family, or professional counseling, to navigate these complexities.

Wishing you both the best as you work through this together!

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