My fiancée, Sarah (36F), has decided to break off our engagement and end our relationship because she’s upset over the fact that I (37M) still communicate with my ex-wife, Alexandria. This situation has escalated recently after Sarah looked through my phone and found texts between Alexandria and me. It's not the first time this has happened. To clarify, I continue to stay in touch with Alexandria because we share children together. The kids live with me full-time, and I’m their sole provider. Alexandria and I divorced a few years ago during the pandemic, and both of us have since moved on in different directions. I started dating Sarah last summer, which, I realize, is fairly quick, but we’ve been very happy together. The main issue is that Sarah doesn’t like the idea of me communicating with Alexandria. She’s uncomfortable with it, especially after a couple of tense encounters between them. The first was on Thanksgiving last year when Alexandria came to pick up the kids, and they didn’t hit it off. Sarah was upset by the interaction, and she even packed her things and nearly left me at that point. However, we managed to work through that situation, but it clearly left some unresolved tension. I should mention that Alexandria has made an effort to get to know Sarah better because she’s now living with me and the kids. But Sarah has refused to even try to be cordial with her, which has created an ongoing rift. To be fair, I knew this would be hard for Sarah, and I understand her feelings, but I also feel that it’s a bit unreasonable to expect me to sever ties with Alexandria entirely, especially when our kids are involved. The tipping point came today when Sarah went through my phone while I was away for a short time. In the texts she found, there were two key things that upset her. The first was a conversation where I told Alexandria a bit about Sarah’s past trauma, specifically about how Sarah had been cheated on by her ex-husband. I shared this with Alexandria to help her understand Sarah’s behavior and to encourage her to be more patient and compassionate toward her. The second was a text exchange in which I gave Alexandria some input on a birthday gift for one of our kids. These two conversations were days apart, but to Sarah, this seemed like evidence that I was too close to my ex. Sarah’s decision to end things with me came immediately after finding those texts. She said she felt betrayed, especially by the fact that I shared something so personal about her past with Alexandria. I did apologize for doing so, acknowledging that it wasn’t my place to divulge that information, even if my intentions were to smooth things over between them. At this point, I’m really struggling with whether I should keep fighting for our relationship. On one hand, I understand that Sarah’s feelings are valid, and I can see how it might be difficult for her to be okay with the ongoing communication between me and Alexandria. On the other hand, I feel that she’s making this a bigger issue than it needs to be. I’ve never hidden anything from her, and I’ve always been transparent about the situation with my ex, but now it feels like she’s letting her insecurities get in the way of what we have. I don’t want to lose Sarah, but I also don’t know how to fix things when the core issue seems to be her discomfort with my ex, which I can’t entirely change. Sarah is amazing with my kids, and we’ve had no issues on that front, but her feelings about Alexandria seem to be putting a wedge between us. I’m really torn and unsure how to move forward. Should I keep fighting for this relationship, or is this something that I just can’t fix?

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Iskandar Othman

My fiancée, Sarah (36F), has decided to break off our engagement and end our relationship because she’s upset over the fact that I (37M) still communicate with my ex-wife, Alexandria. This situation has escalated recently after Sarah looked through my phone and found texts between Alexandria and me. It's not the first time this has happened. To clarify, I continue to stay in touch with Alexandria because we share children together. The kids live with me full-time, and I’m their sole provider. Alexandria and I divorced a few years ago during the pandemic, and both of us have since moved on in different directions. I started dating Sarah last summer, which, I realize, is fairly quick, but we’ve been very happy together. The main issue is that Sarah doesn’t like the idea of me communicating with Alexandria. She’s uncomfortable with it, especially after a couple of tense encounters between them. The first was on Thanksgiving last year when Alexandria came to pick up the kids, and they didn’t hit it off. Sarah was upset by the interaction, and she even packed her things and nearly left me at that point. However, we managed to work through that situation, but it clearly left some unresolved tension. I should mention that Alexandria has made an effort to get to know Sarah better because she’s now living with me and the kids. But Sarah has refused to even try to be cordial with her, which has created an ongoing rift. To be fair, I knew this would be hard for Sarah, and I understand her feelings, but I also feel that it’s a bit unreasonable to expect me to sever ties with Alexandria entirely, especially when our kids are involved. The tipping point came today when Sarah went through my phone while I was away for a short time. In the texts she found, there were two key things that upset her. The first was a conversation where I told Alexandria a bit about Sarah’s past trauma, specifically about how Sarah had been cheated on by her ex-husband. I shared this with Alexandria to help her understand Sarah’s behavior and to encourage her to be more patient and compassionate toward her. The second was a text exchange in which I gave Alexandria some input on a birthday gift for one of our kids. These two conversations were days apart, but to Sarah, this seemed like evidence that I was too close to my ex. Sarah’s decision to end things with me came immediately after finding those texts. She said she felt betrayed, especially by the fact that I shared something so personal about her past with Alexandria. I did apologize for doing so, acknowledging that it wasn’t my place to divulge that information, even if my intentions were to smooth things over between them. At this point, I’m really struggling with whether I should keep fighting for our relationship. On one hand, I understand that Sarah’s feelings are valid, and I can see how it might be difficult for her to be okay with the ongoing communication between me and Alexandria. On the other hand, I feel that she’s making this a bigger issue than it needs to be. I’ve never hidden anything from her, and I’ve always been transparent about the situation with my ex, but now it feels like she’s letting her insecurities get in the way of what we have. I don’t want to lose Sarah, but I also don’t know how to fix things when the core issue seems to be her discomfort with my ex, which I can’t entirely change. Sarah is amazing with my kids, and we’ve had no issues on that front, but her feelings about Alexandria seem to be putting a wedge between us. I’m really torn and unsure how to move forward. Should I keep fighting for this relationship, or is this something that I just can’t fix?

a month ago

It sounds like you're in a very challenging situation, and it's understandable to feel conflicted about your fiancée's reaction to your communication with your ex-wife. Here are some thoughts and suggestions that might help you navigate this complex relationship dynamic:

1. Understanding Sarah's Perspective:

First, it's important to acknowledge Sarah's feelings. Communication with an ex-spouse can often stir insecurities, especially when there are children involved. For Sarah, it may feel like she is competing with your past relationship, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy or jealousy. Consider how her past experiences, particularly the trauma you mentioned, may amplify these feelings. It's essential to validate her emotions, even if you don't fully agree with her reaction.

2. Establishing Boundaries:

Although you need to communicate with Alexandria for the sake of your children, it might be beneficial to discuss and set clear boundaries around that communication. For example, you could agree to limit discussions to only necessary topics regarding the kids and avoid sharing personal information about your current relationship. This could help Sarah feel more secure and respected in your relationship.

3. Open and Honest Communication:

Have a candid conversation with Sarah about her concerns. Ask her what specifically bothers her about your communication with Alexandria. Is it the frequency, the content, or perhaps the emotional intimacy that might still exist? By understanding her concerns, you can address them more effectively. You might say something like:

"I understand that my communication with Alexandria makes you uncomfortable. Can we talk about what specifically worries you so that I can reassure you?"

4. Reassurance and Support:

Make it clear to Sarah that she is your priority. Reassure her of your commitment and love. You might want to emphasize the positive aspects of your relationship, such as how well she interacts with your children. For instance:

"Sarah, I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do for my kids. You are a wonderful partner, and I love the family we are building together."

5. Addressing Past Trauma:

Since you mentioned Sarah's past trauma, it could be helpful to encourage her to seek support, whether through counseling or talking to trusted friends. This could help her process her feelings and insecurities in a constructive way. You can offer to support her in this journey by being there for her, listening, and encouraging her to express her feelings.

6. Seeking Professional Help:

If the situation continues to escalate, consider couples counseling. A neutral third party can help facilitate a productive dialogue between you two, allowing both of you to express your feelings and concerns in a safe space. This could also provide tools for healthier communication moving forward.

7. Evaluate Your Relationship:

Lastly, take some time to reflect on your relationship with Sarah. While it's natural to want to fight for love, consider whether the relationship is healthy for both of you. If Sarah's insecurities continue to create significant conflict and you feel unable to meet her needs, it might be necessary to reassess whether this relationship can sustain itself in the long term.

In conclusion, navigating relationships with ex-spouses while maintaining a new partnership can be complex. By approaching the situation with empathy, open communication, and a willingness to set boundaries, you may find a path forward that works for both you and Sarah. Ultimately, both partners need to feel secure and valued in the relationship for it to thrive.

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