For nearly 20 years, I’ve lived in constant fear due to my ex. Around the time I was pregnant with my second child, I started noticing signs of abuse toward my oldest. Prior to that, I missed the red flags aimed at me. The abuse has taken many forms: court battles, widespread smear campaigns, outlandish accusations, threats, invading my home, medical abuse, isolating me from friends, inconsistent child support, and even brainwashing my child. Physical and sexual abuse, neglect, and food-related issues, leading to eating disorders, followed. Even during times of calm, I stayed alert, expecting the next attack. I’ve spent years reading, learning how to handle manipulative people, practicing grey rock, understanding court procedures, and figuring out how to help my children, all while navigating legal issues with my oldest breaking the law. It’s been a silent, never-ending struggle. I’ve been isolated with only my parents truly understanding the situation. Recently, my now-adult oldest said they were “worried about me” for letting people “take advantage” of me. Their concern stemmed from my conflict-avoidant nature—my instinct to de-escalate and think before reacting. This approach, which I’ve honed over the years, has helped me and my kids survive. It’s hurtful that they see my cautiousness as a failure to defend them. I’ve always been afraid of not being enough as a mom or a woman. The past year or two have been a dark period of battling suicidal thoughts since both my kids distanced themselves from their father. The pain is deeper than I can express. At times, it feels like my own child has caused me more suffering than my ex. They’ve benefited from my coping mechanisms, but they’re angry because I didn’t react the way they thought I should. I’ve never felt safe in my own home. I don’t know what that would even feel like. It’s hard to change my instinctive way of handling situations, as it’s been my survival method for so long. I’m not sure what I’m looking for by sharing this. Maybe just to know that others are going through something similar. I feel so drained, and there are times I feel like quitting as a parent entirely. But I know that's not the right answer. The exhaustion has lasted for so long. Is there a chance I can rebuild my life one day? I won’t engage in further discussions if they involve criticism. I’ve already beat myself up enough. I’ve been in therapy for two decades, with my life largely revolving around helping my kids. I have every right to feel what I feel, even in private. Acknowledging the emotional toll my child has put me through has taken years of therapy. I hope my vulnerability can help others who might be facing similar situations. Sometimes, peeling back the layers of this experience means facing harsh criticism, but I’m willing to accept that. However, right now, I need to focus on moving forward. I can’t take any more rawness.

No products in cart

Ai Content Generator

Ai Picture

Tell Your Story

Richelle Ariyah

For nearly 20 years, I’ve lived in constant fear due to my ex. Around the time I was pregnant with my second child, I started noticing signs of abuse toward my oldest. Prior to that, I missed the red flags aimed at me. The abuse has taken many forms: court battles, widespread smear campaigns, outlandish accusations, threats, invading my home, medical abuse, isolating me from friends, inconsistent child support, and even brainwashing my child. Physical and sexual abuse, neglect, and food-related issues, leading to eating disorders, followed. Even during times of calm, I stayed alert, expecting the next attack. I’ve spent years reading, learning how to handle manipulative people, practicing grey rock, understanding court procedures, and figuring out how to help my children, all while navigating legal issues with my oldest breaking the law. It’s been a silent, never-ending struggle. I’ve been isolated with only my parents truly understanding the situation. Recently, my now-adult oldest said they were “worried about me” for letting people “take advantage” of me. Their concern stemmed from my conflict-avoidant nature—my instinct to de-escalate and think before reacting. This approach, which I’ve honed over the years, has helped me and my kids survive. It’s hurtful that they see my cautiousness as a failure to defend them. I’ve always been afraid of not being enough as a mom or a woman. The past year or two have been a dark period of battling suicidal thoughts since both my kids distanced themselves from their father. The pain is deeper than I can express. At times, it feels like my own child has caused me more suffering than my ex. They’ve benefited from my coping mechanisms, but they’re angry because I didn’t react the way they thought I should. I’ve never felt safe in my own home. I don’t know what that would even feel like. It’s hard to change my instinctive way of handling situations, as it’s been my survival method for so long. I’m not sure what I’m looking for by sharing this. Maybe just to know that others are going through something similar. I feel so drained, and there are times I feel like quitting as a parent entirely. But I know that's not the right answer. The exhaustion has lasted for so long. Is there a chance I can rebuild my life one day? I won’t engage in further discussions if they involve criticism. I’ve already beat myself up enough. I’ve been in therapy for two decades, with my life largely revolving around helping my kids. I have every right to feel what I feel, even in private. Acknowledging the emotional toll my child has put me through has taken years of therapy. I hope my vulnerability can help others who might be facing similar situations. Sometimes, peeling back the layers of this experience means facing harsh criticism, but I’m willing to accept that. However, right now, I need to focus on moving forward. I can’t take any more rawness.

a month ago

First and foremost, I want to acknowledge the immense strength it takes to share such a deeply personal and painful experience. You are not alone in this struggle; many individuals have faced similar challenges and feelings of isolation. Your vulnerability in expressing your journey can indeed resonate with others who may be going through comparable situations.

The fear and anxiety you've lived with for nearly two decades due to your ex-partner's abusive behavior is a heavy burden. It’s crucial to recognize that the effects of such prolonged exposure to abuse can lead to complex emotional responses, including conflict avoidance, which you’ve described. This instinct to de-escalate situations often develops as a survival mechanism, especially for those who have faced manipulation and threats. It’s understandable that your children may not fully grasp the depth of your experiences and the reasons behind your reactions. Their concern for you reflects their own struggles and perhaps a misunderstanding of the dynamics at play.

It’s clear that you have dedicated significant time and effort to learning about manipulation and coping strategies, such as the grey rock method. This technique involves becoming emotionally unresponsive to manipulative behaviors, which can help in reducing the abuser's interest in provoking a reaction. However, it can also leave you feeling emotionally drained and disconnected, particularly in your relationship with your children. The balance between protecting yourself and actively engaging with your kids can be incredibly challenging.

The feelings of inadequacy as a mother and the fear of not being enough are common among parents who have experienced trauma. This is compounded by the fact that your children, particularly your oldest, may not see the sacrifices and efforts you've made to protect them. It’s important to communicate openly with them about your experiences and the emotional toll they have taken on you. This could foster a deeper understanding and potentially bridge the gap in your relationship.

Regarding your concerns about your mental health and the feelings of despair you've encountered, it’s vital to continue seeking support. The battle with suicidal thoughts is serious, and it’s commendable that you have sought therapy for two decades. If you haven’t already, consider discussing these feelings with your therapist to explore coping mechanisms and strategies to reconnect with your children while also prioritizing your mental well-being.

Rebuilding your life is absolutely possible, although it may take time and patience. Here are a few steps to consider:

Establish a Support Network: Beyond your parents, seek out support groups for individuals who have experienced similar situations. Connecting with others who understand can provide validation and reduce feelings of isolation.
Communicate with Your Children: When appropriate, have open conversations with your kids about your experiences and feelings. This can help them understand your perspective and foster empathy.
Self-Care and Boundaries: Prioritize your self-care. Establish boundaries with your ex and focus on activities that bring you joy and relaxation.
Professional Support: If you ever feel overwhelmed, don’t hesitate to reach out to mental health professionals who specialize in trauma and family dynamics.

As you continue this journey, remember that healing is not linear. There will be ups and downs, but the fact that you are seeking to move forward is a testament to your resilience. It’s essential to recognize your worth and the progress you’ve made, even when it feels insignificant. You deserve peace and safety in your life, and with time and support, it is possible to build a future that reflects that.

In closing, please know that your feelings are valid, and your experiences matter. Sharing your story can be a powerful way to connect with others and foster understanding. Keep pushing forward, and take one day at a time.

User Comments

There are no more blogs to show

Home Shop Groups

Ai Content Generator

Ai Picture

Tell Your Story

User Comments

Related Posts

There are no more blogs to show