Adria Kara

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I'm feeling incredibly conflicted right now and could really use some advice. A few days ago, on Friday, January 3rd, I made the decision to leave my husband. His verbal abuse often escalated into physical aggression—punching holes in the walls, throwing objects, yelling loudly, pacing, sweating, and threatening me. All of this occurred in front of our three-year-old son. I knew I had to leave for my own safety, especially for my son's well-being. But now, just a few days later, I feel overwhelmed with guilt and confusion. My husband has been calling and texting, saying how much he misses his family and promising to do better. At the same time, my son keeps saying he misses his daddy and wants to go home, and hearing that broke my heart. What’s making this even harder is the fear that I might be making a mistake. What if he does change? What if I’ve just broken our family for no reason? But then, I remind myself of all the times he refused to acknowledge how his behavior was hurting us. I’m also worried about how he might spin the situation, telling others that I left because I couldn’t accept his flaws, when in reality, I left to escape the abuse. I feel so torn. I want to believe he can change, but I left because I had no reason to believe he would. I also feel so much guilt seeing how this is affecting our son. If anyone has been in a similar situation, I’d appreciate any advice or perspective. How do I deal with the guilt? How do I stay strong for my son when I’m second-guessing myself? And how do I handle the pressure of his promises to change? Advice and Perspective: First, it's clear that you’re doing the right thing for both yourself and your son. Leaving an abusive situation is an incredibly difficult and courageous step. You should never feel guilty for choosing your safety and your child’s safety over staying in an environment where both of you are at risk, emotionally and physically. Here's how you might consider navigating the situation: 1. Trust Your Decision: It’s natural to feel conflicted after making such a big change, especially when you're dealing with guilt over the impact on your son and the potential of your husband changing. However, the reality is that his behavior—especially the physical aggression—is a serious red flag. You’ve already made many attempts to support his growth, from encouraging counseling to offering patience and understanding. Yet, his repeated failure to change shows that he may not be ready or willing to take the necessary steps to heal. No one can guarantee that he will change, and your well-being and your son’s safety need to be your priority. 2. Dealing with Guilt: Feeling guilty is a very common reaction in situations like this, but it's important to remember that abuse is never your fault. You did not create the circumstances that led to the escalation of his behavior. His actions are his responsibility. In your relationship, you have tried to support him, but you cannot change someone who is unwilling to change themselves. The guilt you feel about leaving is a sign of your empathy, but it shouldn’t overshadow your right to protect yourself and your child from harm. 3. Handling Your Son's Emotional Needs: It’s heartbreaking to see your child miss their father, but remember that what your son is likely missing is the idealized version of his dad—before the aggression took over. Children are incredibly resilient, and with your love, reassurance, and stability, he can adjust and thrive. If possible, try to maintain a healthy, safe relationship between your son and his father, but only in a way that prioritizes safety and boundaries. If supervised visits are needed, consider a professional mediator to help manage interactions in a safe and constructive way. 4. Pressure and Promises to Change: Your husband’s promises to change are common in abusive relationships, but change requires consistent action, and so far, his efforts have been temporary at best. He may promise that he’ll do better, but without long-term effort, accountability, and change, those promises can end up being empty words. His behavior in therapy and counseling (quitting sessions) is another indication that he might not be willing to do the difficult work necessary for real change. Be cautious with his promises and focus on actions, not words. 5. Taking Care of Yourself: In addition to focusing on your son’s well-being, don’t forget about yourself. You’ve been under immense emotional stress, and it’s important to seek support for yourself—whether through therapy, friends, or a support group for individuals who have experienced domestic abuse. Healing from this type of trauma takes time, and it’s crucial to surround yourself with people who understand and support your decisions. Final Thoughts: You’ve already taken a huge step in prioritizing your safety and well-being, and it’s okay to feel conflicted—it’s a normal part of the process. But deep down, you know that living in an unsafe environment, for you and your child, is not sustainable. Your son will be okay, and you deserve peace, security, and a safe space to heal. It’s important to remain strong and focused on creating a healthy future for both of you. Your decision to leave doesn’t mean that you don’t care or that you’re giving up. It means you’re choosing to protect yourselves and open the door to a healthier future. Please continue to trust yourself, and know that there are professionals who can help guide you through the emotional complexity of this decision.