Abbey Normina

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I’m 18 years old and in a relationship with the love of my life, my boyfriend (21 M). We have a three-year age gap, and while that sometimes leads to personality clashes, it's not a huge issue for us. Our relationship is honestly the best thing I’ve ever experienced. Recently, I’ve realized that in a lot of ways, I can be the issue when we have bad days. I’m aware of it, and I’m working on it. During arguments, I tend to get cold and uptight, sometimes saying things I don’t mean. I feel really guilty about it and am trying to make up for it, because my boyfriend is the sweetest, most genuine person I’ve ever met. I have this overwhelming fear that he’s going to abandon me. Even though we communicate well, have an amazing connection, do so much for each other, and are both incredibly loyal, I can't shake the anxiety when we’re apart. I think this stems from my past when I didn’t have many friends and everyone I cared about isn’t in my life anymore. I realize I need to work on my independence, too. Before meeting him, I was actually becoming more comfortable with my own company and learning to enjoy it, but now, I feel so loved by him that when we’re apart, I get really low and lonely. I only have a couple of close friends right now. He doesn’t like it when I’m too needy, and I don’t like it either, but I feel so scared that he’s going to leave, and I seek constant reassurance. I hate being so dependent on words of affirmation, and even though I know he loves me deeply and would do anything for me, I can’t stop feeling insecure sometimes. Reddit, what can I do? How can I be the best girlfriend I can be while also working on becoming more independent? I’m committed to making this new year full of love and positivity, without unnecessary bickering. I’m aware this post might make me seem obsessive, but I’m really just trying to be the best partner I can be. I’m already looking into seeking professional help to control my emotions better and work on my independence. Advice and Perspective: It’s clear that you care deeply about your boyfriend, and you’re already showing a lot of self-awareness by recognizing areas where you want to improve. Here are a few things you might consider as you work toward balancing your relationship and independence: 1. Understanding Your Fears and Insecurities: Your fears of abandonment seem rooted in past experiences and a lack of close friendships in your earlier life. It’s really common for past emotional experiences to affect how we relate to people in the present. Recognizing this is an important first step toward healing. It’s okay to be afraid sometimes, but you don’t have to let those fears control your actions. You deserve to feel secure in your own worth, regardless of external validation. 2. Building Independence: It's great that you’ve been working on being comfortable in your own company before meeting him, and it’s important to continue that journey. Focus on developing hobbies or interests that are just for you. It could be anything that helps you enjoy your own time—reading, writing, learning something new, or getting involved in activities that make you feel fulfilled independently of your relationship. Additionally, nurturing your friendships, even if you only have a couple of close ones, can help you feel more connected to people other than your boyfriend. Having a broader support network will naturally ease some of the anxiety when you're apart from him. 3. Balancing Needing Reassurance: It’s completely understandable to want reassurance in a relationship, but it’s great that you recognize that relying on it too much can feel draining both for you and your partner. Start by affirming yourself internally—remind yourself of the love and commitment you share without needing to hear it constantly from him. Practice self-love and self-acceptance. When you feel that anxiety creeping in, try grounding techniques, like deep breathing or self-soothing practices, to remind yourself that you're okay, even when you're apart. 4. Managing Emotions During Conflict: It sounds like you’re doing a lot of self-reflection, and that’s really valuable for both you and your relationship. Working on managing your emotions during arguments is a good step, and seeking professional help is a great idea. A therapist can help you develop better emotional regulation strategies and communication skills, which will not only benefit your relationship but also your personal growth. During arguments, try to stay present and mindful. If you feel yourself getting cold or uptight, take a moment to pause and gather your thoughts. Express your emotions calmly and assertively instead of letting them come out in ways you might later regret. You’re already on the right track by being aware of your responses, so with time and practice, it will become easier. 5. Being the Best Partner: It’s clear you’re already a caring and thoughtful partner. By focusing on building your independence, maintaining your self-worth, and managing your emotions better, you’ll become an even stronger and more balanced partner. Remember, being a great girlfriend doesn’t mean being perfect—it means being honest, caring, and committed to personal growth for both yourself and the relationship. Final Thoughts: You’re on the right path by acknowledging what you want to work on, and it’s great that you’re already seeking ways to improve. Don’t be too hard on yourself; relationships are a journey, and growth takes time. Focus on developing a healthy balance of independence, self-love, and strong communication, and your relationship will naturally flourish. Keep showing up for yourself and your partner, and you’ll both continue to thrive.