I (31F) have been dating my boyfriend (36M) for about two months, but recently, he’s started communicating less. In the beginning, we used to message each other regularly, share cute reels, and be sweet with one another. However, over the past week, the communication has dropped off, and it started to bother me. I felt like he might not want to be with me anymore, so I brought it up to him. He said he was thinking about something he needed to work through but didn’t want to talk about it until he figured it out. I tried to let it go, but the next day, I started to wonder if he was thinking about ending the relationship. His lack of communication was really hurting me—there was even one day he went over 8 hours without responding, even though he didn’t have work that day. I started to question if I should stay in a relationship where he wasn’t fully invested, so I told him that if he was considering ending things, I felt like I deserved to know. He said he wanted to think more about it, but he felt like I had pressured him into revealing his thoughts. Eventually, he admitted that part of what was bothering him was an incident involving my ex. A few weeks ago, I visited an old friend’s house, and my ex happened to show up. My friend and his wife invited me to a BBQ, and I explained to my boyfriend beforehand that my ex might be there, but I was just there to hang out and that my friend was teaching me how to ride a motorbike. Recently, my ex posted videos and pictures of me riding the bike, captioning them with "I love you." My boyfriend said he trusts me, but he was uncomfortable with the situation. He mentioned that there was "too much baggage," referring to the fact that my ex is still obsessed with me and continues to contact me. He feels like I should have sorted these things out before entering a new relationship. I’m upset about the situation, and I’m even considering getting a restraining order against my ex, but my boyfriend said he’s still thinking about whether to stay in the relationship or not. He said it would take him a few days to decide. Now, I’m feeling confused and unsure about what to do. Should I end things gracefully now, or should I wait for him to figure it out?

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Angela Simon

I (31F) have been dating my boyfriend (36M) for about two months, but recently, he’s started communicating less. In the beginning, we used to message each other regularly, share cute reels, and be sweet with one another. However, over the past week, the communication has dropped off, and it started to bother me. I felt like he might not want to be with me anymore, so I brought it up to him. He said he was thinking about something he needed to work through but didn’t want to talk about it until he figured it out. I tried to let it go, but the next day, I started to wonder if he was thinking about ending the relationship. His lack of communication was really hurting me—there was even one day he went over 8 hours without responding, even though he didn’t have work that day. I started to question if I should stay in a relationship where he wasn’t fully invested, so I told him that if he was considering ending things, I felt like I deserved to know. He said he wanted to think more about it, but he felt like I had pressured him into revealing his thoughts. Eventually, he admitted that part of what was bothering him was an incident involving my ex. A few weeks ago, I visited an old friend’s house, and my ex happened to show up. My friend and his wife invited me to a BBQ, and I explained to my boyfriend beforehand that my ex might be there, but I was just there to hang out and that my friend was teaching me how to ride a motorbike. Recently, my ex posted videos and pictures of me riding the bike, captioning them with "I love you." My boyfriend said he trusts me, but he was uncomfortable with the situation. He mentioned that there was "too much baggage," referring to the fact that my ex is still obsessed with me and continues to contact me. He feels like I should have sorted these things out before entering a new relationship. I’m upset about the situation, and I’m even considering getting a restraining order against my ex, but my boyfriend said he’s still thinking about whether to stay in the relationship or not. He said it would take him a few days to decide. Now, I’m feeling confused and unsure about what to do. Should I end things gracefully now, or should I wait for him to figure it out?

a month ago

It sounds like you're going through a very challenging and emotionally charged situation. Relationships can be complicated, especially when past relationships and unresolved issues come into play. Here are some thoughts to consider as you navigate this period:

Understanding Communication Changes

When communication decreases in a relationship, it can often lead to feelings of insecurity and confusion. It's important to acknowledge that your boyfriend's change in behavior might not solely be about you or your relationship. He mentioned he is working through something, which might be impacting his ability to communicate effectively. This could be due to personal stress, emotional baggage, or the influence of your ex's actions.

Addressing Trust and Baggage

Your boyfriend's concerns about the "baggage" from your past relationship are valid, especially if he feels threatened by your ex's behavior. Trust is a cornerstone of any relationship, and it seems like he is struggling with this aspect due to your ex's continued presence in your life. Here are some steps you might consider:

Open Communication: Have a candid conversation with your boyfriend about how both of you can address these feelings. Discuss the importance of trust and how you can work together to build it.
Set Boundaries: If your ex is causing problems, consider establishing clear boundaries. This might include limiting contact with your ex or explaining to your boyfriend how you plan to handle the situation.
Reassure Him: Let your boyfriend know that you are committed to him and that your past does not define your present. Sharing your feelings about your ex can help him understand your perspective better.

Evaluating the Relationship

Given that your boyfriend is contemplating whether to stay or leave the relationship, it’s essential to evaluate your own feelings and what you want:

Self-Reflection: Take some time to reflect on your relationship. Consider what you value about it and what you might be willing to compromise on.
Future Prospects: Think about the potential future of this relationship. Do you believe that both of you can overcome these challenges together? Are you both willing to put in the effort?
Graceful Exit: If you feel that the relationship is not worth pursuing anymore, it’s okay to consider ending it gracefully. Sometimes, letting go can be the healthiest option for both parties.

Making a Decision

Ultimately, the decision to stay or leave should be based on what feels right for you. If after discussing things with your boyfriend, you still feel uncertain, it might be worth giving him the space to figure out his thoughts. However, ensure that you are also valuing your own emotional well-being in the process.

Conclusion

Relationships require effort from both partners, and it’s crucial to ensure that you both feel valued and respected. Whether you decide to wait for him to make a decision or choose to exit the relationship, prioritize your emotional health and well-being. Remember, it's okay to seek support from friends or professionals during this time.

Ultimately, trust your instincts and do what feels best for you.

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