Marian Janella

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I feel like I'm not a good person, and I keep ruining everything good that comes my way. I long for love, but when it’s shown to me, I often can’t handle it and end up pushing people away or exploding on them and myself. I’m constantly irritable, angry, and upset. I have a better life now and an amazing, loving boyfriend whom I could talk about for hours. He's perfect for me in so many ways, but for some reason, I struggle to control my emotions, and they lead to these huge outbursts. I want to stop sharing my feelings so often because I know I can be overwhelming, but in the moment, I crave the attention and validation I get from sharing them. I just want to feel seen, heard, and cared for. Yet, after I express myself, I wish I could take it all back and retreat into silence, feeling like I’m better off suffering in silence again. I want to be a smaller, simpler version of myself—calm, happy, and easy-going for my boyfriend—but everything I feel seems too complex to handle. I don’t understand why I feel this way. I don’t know why I act the way I do, and it’s exhausting. But I desperately want to stop feeling like this, or at least figure out how to control my emotions so they’re not so visible and disruptive. It’s not fair to my boyfriend, and I want to be able to show him the love he truly deserves. He tells me he loves me no matter what and that he’s here for me, no matter how tough it gets, but I struggle to believe him, especially when I know how difficult I can be. When I’m feeling good, I’m amazing—like I’ve never felt any negativity, and I feel free to be myself. But those moments can turn into overwhelming outbursts of tears and pain. Sometimes, I feel absolutely nothing—no happiness, no sadness, no emotion toward anyone else. When I’m like this, I don’t feel bad, but I also don’t feel anything at all. It’s my calmest state, but it also leads me to isolate myself, not texting, going out, or talking much. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I want to fix it—for myself and for my boyfriend and our relationship. Advice & Input: It sounds like you’re going through a really challenging time with your emotions and feeling trapped by how they manifest. Here are a few things to consider as you work through this: 1. Emotional Self-Awareness: You’re already doing the hard work of being aware of your emotional state and its impact on your relationship. Acknowledging that you have these emotions, even when they seem uncontrollable, is the first step to understanding how they affect you and your boyfriend. You’re also aware that sometimes your feelings are complex, and that’s okay. Many people have emotions that feel overwhelming or difficult to express in a way that’s easy for others to understand. 2. The Role of Validation: It seems like you may crave validation and reassurance from your boyfriend. It’s natural to want to feel heard, seen, and loved, but when we constantly seek reassurance, it can become overwhelming for both ourselves and our partners. It might help to explore ways of validating yourself first, so that your need for outside validation doesn’t become so intense. One way to start is by practicing self-compassion and being gentle with yourself when you're feeling upset. 3. Emotional Regulation: You mentioned that sometimes your emotions can explode or turn into silence, and that these mood swings are hard to manage. It could be helpful to explore ways of regulating your emotions before they escalate. This might include things like deep breathing, journaling, mindfulness, or even physical activities like yoga or exercise. If you're feeling like you're not sure how to manage these emotions, it might also help to seek out therapy or counseling to work on emotional regulation skills. 4. Communication with Your Partner: Your boyfriend seems supportive and loving, but it’s important to have an honest conversation with him about your struggles, so he understands what you're going through and can help support you in healthy ways. Let him know how you're feeling and how difficult it is for you to balance your emotions. Together, you can talk about ways to navigate these tough moments, and you can work on strategies for both of you to stay connected when you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed. 5. Consider Therapy: Given how much you’re struggling with understanding and managing your emotions, it might be beneficial to talk to a therapist or counselor. A professional can help you explore why you feel the way you do and offer coping strategies. Therapy can be a safe space where you can unpack these feelings and get to the root causes, such as past experiences, trauma, or emotional regulation difficulties. 6. Self-Compassion: It’s clear that you’re hard on yourself. You want to be the best version of yourself for your boyfriend, and it sounds like you care deeply for him. Remember, it’s okay to be imperfect. Relationships are about supporting each other through the ups and downs, and your boyfriend seems committed to doing that with you. Give yourself the grace to make mistakes and learn from them without feeling like you have to be perfect. Healing takes time. Final Thoughts: Your emotions are valid, and while it may feel like they are out of control at times, there are steps you can take to understand and manage them better. You’re not alone in feeling the way you do, and there is always room for growth. It’s important to be kind to yourself, communicate openly with your boyfriend, and consider professional support to help you navigate these complex feelings. You deserve to have a healthy and fulfilling relationship, and with time and effort, it’s possible to find emotional balance.