Carol Haralamb

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I (49F) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (50M) for about a year and a half, and lately, I’ve been feeling disappointed and unsure if I want to continue. I don’t think my expectations are unreasonable, especially since I had a fulfilling marriage with my late husband. But my boyfriend keeps letting me down, and it’s really affecting my mental health. For example, he usually comes over once a weekend, but it’s always late in the evening, around dinner time, so there’s little time left to do anything together. In the 1.5 years we’ve been together, we’ve never gone out to dinner, the cinema, or even to a museum. We went on a week-long vacation about six months ago, but I organized and paid for everything, and he didn’t take any initiative. We left the apartment only when I suggested it, and we ended up having unnecessary arguments that left me feeling confused. When I express my disappointment about our lack of activities, he responds with, “Yeah, we can do that,” but nothing changes. If I suggest something, he just tells me to go by myself. That’s been really frustrating for me. There’s also an issue with his sleep schedule. He stays up very late (often into the early morning), then sleeps until the late afternoon. When he wakes up, he has coffee, smokes, and then heads home because he has “things to do.” So, even on the days we are together, there’s little time to spend with each other. All we seem to do is watch movies and smoke weed—nothing else. He’s also distant when it comes to meeting my family or friends, and he doesn’t introduce me to the people who are important to him. I’ve never been allowed to see his house because he says he’s ashamed of it. These issues make it hard for me to see our relationship as real, and I’m struggling to envision a future if things don’t improve. The last six months have been even worse, especially with the lack of intimacy. I had an injury last summer, which made things difficult for me physically and emotionally. Apparently, that was a major turn-off for him, and now he flat-out refuses to be intimate with me. He’ll hug me, but there’s no real affection. When I bring up how this has been affecting me, he promises to make it up to me, but nothing ever changes. It’s always promises with no follow-through, and I’m left feeling disappointed every time we meet. At this point, it’s starting to take a serious toll on my mental health. I’ve been feeling down for almost a year now. But I stay with him because I love him, and he says he loves me too. The problem is, I’m not sure if my love for him is enough to keep enduring this. About 10 months ago, I had a conversation with him about all my frustrations (trying to be careful not to sound accusatory), but nothing changed. I’m planning to have this conversation again soon, and I plan to include the lack of intimacy as a major point. So far, his responses to these conversations have been to threaten to end the relationship, throw accusations in my face, and then leave my house. I would really appreciate some advice from outsiders about how to deal with this. I’m starting to wonder if I’m being unreasonable with my expectations, or if this is something I should really consider ending for my own well-being.