Last night, my (33M) girlfriend (34F) and I had a bit of an argument that started over a video call but quickly shifted to text. It all began when she mentioned how many calories she was under the recommended amount for women. She said she had been hungry earlier and had a protein yogurt, then had another later. I knew she had just bought a bunch of protein and diet foods, so I made a playful remark about how she’d go through them too quickly. It wasn’t a serious comment, just me jokingly telling her off in a lighthearted way. She asked if I was telling her off, and I responded with “Yes,” still joking, with a smile, not intending to criticize her eating choices. But she seemed put off and said “Mhhmm,” which made me think she might be playing along. So, I asked her, “Whaaaaat?” hoping she’d clarify if she was still joking or if something was wrong. She didn’t reply, so I tried to reassure her by saying I wasn’t being serious. However, she responded with another “Mhhmm” and stopped engaging in the conversation. After a few moments of silence, she said, “Well, I’m just going to go then,” to which I replied, “Bye.” As we were hanging up, she called me a “child” in a snarky tone. I waited a minute and then tried calling her back, but she declined. So, I sent a message explaining that I had never commented on what or how much she could eat and that my tone was lighthearted. I also pointed out that I was trying to resolve the situation by asking her to communicate, but she wasn’t engaging, and I felt like I didn’t know what else to do. I also called her out for her snarky “child” remark. Her response was that I was “gaslighting” her and being rude. She accused me of spinning the situation to make her look bad and doubled down on calling me a “child.” I understood how she might’ve felt that I was commenting on her eating, but to me, it was more about making the food last, and I wasn’t being serious about it. I apologized and said I didn’t realize I was being rude. She then sent me two voice messages explaining that she didn’t understand how I couldn’t see I was being rude and that I should’ve realized immediately she was upset. She felt dismissed when I said I was “messing around” and not being serious. She pointed out that I said “It’s not serious” instead of “I’m not being serious,” and although I didn’t think I said it that way, I apologized for possibly misspeaking or misremembering. I acknowledged that I could’ve handled her feelings better and should’ve addressed her concerns more clearly. Then she said I was in a mood because I wasn’t admitting it was all her fault. This left me feeling confused and frustrated, as I was genuinely trying to have an open conversation but didn’t know how to move forward.

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Francisc Ovidia

Last night, my (33M) girlfriend (34F) and I had a bit of an argument that started over a video call but quickly shifted to text. It all began when she mentioned how many calories she was under the recommended amount for women. She said she had been hungry earlier and had a protein yogurt, then had another later. I knew she had just bought a bunch of protein and diet foods, so I made a playful remark about how she’d go through them too quickly. It wasn’t a serious comment, just me jokingly telling her off in a lighthearted way. She asked if I was telling her off, and I responded with “Yes,” still joking, with a smile, not intending to criticize her eating choices. But she seemed put off and said “Mhhmm,” which made me think she might be playing along. So, I asked her, “Whaaaaat?” hoping she’d clarify if she was still joking or if something was wrong. She didn’t reply, so I tried to reassure her by saying I wasn’t being serious. However, she responded with another “Mhhmm” and stopped engaging in the conversation. After a few moments of silence, she said, “Well, I’m just going to go then,” to which I replied, “Bye.” As we were hanging up, she called me a “child” in a snarky tone. I waited a minute and then tried calling her back, but she declined. So, I sent a message explaining that I had never commented on what or how much she could eat and that my tone was lighthearted. I also pointed out that I was trying to resolve the situation by asking her to communicate, but she wasn’t engaging, and I felt like I didn’t know what else to do. I also called her out for her snarky “child” remark. Her response was that I was “gaslighting” her and being rude. She accused me of spinning the situation to make her look bad and doubled down on calling me a “child.” I understood how she might’ve felt that I was commenting on her eating, but to me, it was more about making the food last, and I wasn’t being serious about it. I apologized and said I didn’t realize I was being rude. She then sent me two voice messages explaining that she didn’t understand how I couldn’t see I was being rude and that I should’ve realized immediately she was upset. She felt dismissed when I said I was “messing around” and not being serious. She pointed out that I said “It’s not serious” instead of “I’m not being serious,” and although I didn’t think I said it that way, I apologized for possibly misspeaking or misremembering. I acknowledged that I could’ve handled her feelings better and should’ve addressed her concerns more clearly. Then she said I was in a mood because I wasn’t admitting it was all her fault. This left me feeling confused and frustrated, as I was genuinely trying to have an open conversation but didn’t know how to move forward.

a month ago

To move forward from this argument, it's essential to focus on effective communication and understanding each other's perspectives. Here are some strategies and examples to help you both navigate this situation:

1. Acknowledge and Validate Feelings

Start by acknowledging her feelings without trying to defend your actions immediately. For example:

You: "I can see that my comment upset you, and I'm really sorry for that. It wasn't my intention to hurt your feelings."

Validating her emotions shows that you respect her perspective, even if you don't fully agree with it.

2. Clarify Intentions

After acknowledging her feelings, clarify your intentions in a non-defensive manner:

You: "I was trying to be playful, but I realize now that it came off as dismissive. I should have paid more attention to how you were feeling."

This approach allows you to express your side without invalidating her feelings.

3. Discuss Communication Styles

It may help to discuss how you both communicate and how misunderstandings can arise. You might say:

You: "I've noticed that sometimes when I make jokes, they may not come across as intended. How can we work together to communicate better during those moments?"

This opens the door for her to express her thoughts and feelings about communication without placing blame.

4. Use "I" Statements

When discussing feelings and reactions, try to use "I" statements to express how you feel without sounding accusatory:

You: "I felt confused when you didn’t engage after my joke because I was trying to lighten the mood."

This helps to express your feelings while avoiding placing blame on her.

5. Create a Safe Space for Communication

Encourage an environment where both of you can express your feelings without fear of judgment. You could say:

You: "I want us to feel safe talking about our feelings, even when we disagree. How can we ensure that we both feel heard?"

This commitment to open communication can strengthen your relationship.

6. Follow Up After the Discussion

Once you both have talked things through, check in with each other later to see how you’re feeling. For example:

You: "Hey, I just wanted to check in after our conversation. How are you feeling about everything now?"

This shows that you genuinely care about her feelings and are committed to improving your communication.

7. Seek Professional Help if Needed

If misunderstandings and communication issues continue to arise, consider seeking couples therapy. A professional can help both of you navigate these situations more effectively.

Conclusion

Remember, misunderstandings happen in relationships, and it’s how you handle them that matters. By focusing on empathy, active listening, and clear communication, you can strengthen your relationship and prevent similar issues in the future. Building a mutual understanding will not only help you resolve this specific argument but also enhance your overall relationship dynamics.

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