My husband and I have been married for a year and share a child. However, we dated and lived together for five years prior. Looking back, there were many red flags that he was a "mama's boy" and his mother was overbearing, but I was young and overlooked them. For instance, when we were looking for an apartment to rent, his mom was deeply involved—she drove us around, did all the research, and later insisted on buying us an apartment when we couldn’t rent anymore. She even chose the furnishings and decor, which caused arguments between her and my husband. When we moved in together, my husband started having dinner at his parents' house almost every night. The apartment she bought was right next to hers, clearly so she could keep him close. Over time, she began buying clothes for me and pestering my husband about why I wasn’t wearing them. Things escalated when my husband started a business. Despite me working full-time to fund it, his mom inserted herself into every decision, from choosing the location to helping with interiors. When I pointed out that I was the one contributing financially, she dismissed it, saying, “We didn’t ask you to spend your money.” When I got pregnant, she wanted us to have a wedding. I declined, saying we couldn’t afford it, but she insisted on paying. I still refused, which led to her calling me ungrateful. Now, I’m on maternity leave, and she’s taken a more active role in the business, essentially replacing me. My husband consults her and his dad on all major decisions, and I feel excluded. While my husband acknowledges that his parents can be overbearing, he doesn’t recognize how his dependency on them contributes to the issue. He always rationalizes his behavior, and I end up feeling like I have to go along with it. Am I being ungrateful here? Should I shift my perspective? My husband is otherwise loving, caring, hardworking, and intelligent, but this dependency on his parents is affecting our relationship.

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Romilly Tanzi

My husband and I have been married for a year and share a child. However, we dated and lived together for five years prior. Looking back, there were many red flags that he was a "mama's boy" and his mother was overbearing, but I was young and overlooked them. For instance, when we were looking for an apartment to rent, his mom was deeply involved—she drove us around, did all the research, and later insisted on buying us an apartment when we couldn’t rent anymore. She even chose the furnishings and decor, which caused arguments between her and my husband. When we moved in together, my husband started having dinner at his parents' house almost every night. The apartment she bought was right next to hers, clearly so she could keep him close. Over time, she began buying clothes for me and pestering my husband about why I wasn’t wearing them. Things escalated when my husband started a business. Despite me working full-time to fund it, his mom inserted herself into every decision, from choosing the location to helping with interiors. When I pointed out that I was the one contributing financially, she dismissed it, saying, “We didn’t ask you to spend your money.” When I got pregnant, she wanted us to have a wedding. I declined, saying we couldn’t afford it, but she insisted on paying. I still refused, which led to her calling me ungrateful. Now, I’m on maternity leave, and she’s taken a more active role in the business, essentially replacing me. My husband consults her and his dad on all major decisions, and I feel excluded. While my husband acknowledges that his parents can be overbearing, he doesn’t recognize how his dependency on them contributes to the issue. He always rationalizes his behavior, and I end up feeling like I have to go along with it. Am I being ungrateful here? Should I shift my perspective? My husband is otherwise loving, caring, hardworking, and intelligent, but this dependency on his parents is affecting our relationship.

a month ago

Insights and Suggestions:

Validate Your Feelings:
You’re not being ungrateful. It’s understandable to feel frustrated and excluded when major decisions about your life, business, and family are made without your input. Wanting boundaries and autonomy in your marriage is valid.
Address the Core Issue:
Your husband’s dependency on his parents is deeply ingrained, but it’s critical to discuss how this affects your partnership. Focus on how it makes you feel rather than blaming him. For example, say, “When decisions about our business or home are made without me, I feel sidelined.”
Establish Boundaries Together:
Discuss setting boundaries with his parents. This doesn’t mean cutting them off but defining limits for their involvement in your business and family life. He needs to understand that being a team means prioritizing you and your child above all else.
Reassert Your Role in the Business:
Even if you’re currently on maternity leave, express your desire to remain involved in the business. Suggest regular updates or meetings where you can contribute ideas. Highlight that this is something you built together and want to continue being part of.
Encourage Transparency:
Ask your husband to share financial details and plans, emphasizing that these decisions affect you both. Acknowledge his hard work but remind him that you’re partners, and you deserve to be informed.
Consider Counseling:
A neutral third party, like a counselor, can help you both communicate more effectively and navigate the dynamics with his parents. It might also help him see how his actions contribute to the problem.
Self-Reflection:
It’s clear you’re open to self-improvement, which is commendable. Continue evaluating your feelings, but don’t dismiss your needs or boundaries to avoid conflict. Marriage is about mutual respect and compromise.

Your husband’s love and care are strengths to build on, but for your relationship to thrive, you both need to prioritize each other’s voices and create a balance between family involvement and independence.

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