I've been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 10 years. Due to housing issues, I stayed with his family for 8 years before marriage, which has strained relationships on both sides—between his family and mine. From the start, I’ve been helping with housework and essentially became a maid and a helping hand in their home. His family pressured us to marry faster, often through fights and threats. We eventually did, but my relationship with my own family became rocky, and my bond with his family didn’t improve. Even our honeymoon was spent with his parents, which reflects how much space and independence we’ve lacked in this relationship. The marriage is sexless—he claims he doesn’t feel the need for physical intimacy and only seeks emotional love from me. However, he’s been unsupportive emotionally as well. Financially, I’m struggling to manage my job and house chores. Mentally, I’ve been deteriorating, with feelings of depression, anxiety, and occasional suicidal thoughts. I haven’t sought help because I fear judgment from others. Adding to the pain, his relatives, who used to be close to me, have started excluding me from birthdays and family celebrations. We had an Islamic marriage, and while he’s a good person, he hasn’t stood up for me or supported me in the face of his family’s treatment over the past 8 years. I’m overwhelmed and desperate for advice on how to leave this marriage and start rebuilding my life. I rarely share personal struggles like this, but I’m hoping for guidance or help.

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Marla Everly

I've been married for 4 years and have known my husband for 10 years. Due to housing issues, I stayed with his family for 8 years before marriage, which has strained relationships on both sides—between his family and mine. From the start, I’ve been helping with housework and essentially became a maid and a helping hand in their home. His family pressured us to marry faster, often through fights and threats. We eventually did, but my relationship with my own family became rocky, and my bond with his family didn’t improve. Even our honeymoon was spent with his parents, which reflects how much space and independence we’ve lacked in this relationship. The marriage is sexless—he claims he doesn’t feel the need for physical intimacy and only seeks emotional love from me. However, he’s been unsupportive emotionally as well. Financially, I’m struggling to manage my job and house chores. Mentally, I’ve been deteriorating, with feelings of depression, anxiety, and occasional suicidal thoughts. I haven’t sought help because I fear judgment from others. Adding to the pain, his relatives, who used to be close to me, have started excluding me from birthdays and family celebrations. We had an Islamic marriage, and while he’s a good person, he hasn’t stood up for me or supported me in the face of his family’s treatment over the past 8 years. I’m overwhelmed and desperate for advice on how to leave this marriage and start rebuilding my life. I rarely share personal struggles like this, but I’m hoping for guidance or help.

a month ago

It sounds like you’re navigating a deeply challenging situation, and it’s commendable that you’re seeking guidance. Your feelings of overwhelm, isolation, and distress are completely valid given the circumstances you've described. Here are some steps and considerations to help you think through your situation and explore options for moving forward.

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

First and foremost, it’s crucial to acknowledge your emotions. You’re experiencing feelings of depression, anxiety, and possibly hopelessness. These feelings are serious and deserve attention. It’s important to recognize that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Consider reaching out to a mental health professional who can provide a safe space for you to express your thoughts without judgment.

2. Evaluate Your Marriage

Reflect on your marriage and what you truly want. Here are some questions to consider:

What are your core needs? Think about emotional, physical, and financial support. Are these needs being met?
What does a healthy relationship look like for you? Visualize the aspects of a relationship that are essential for your happiness.
Are you willing to work on the marriage? If so, consider discussing your feelings with your husband openly. If he is unwilling to engage in meaningful dialogue or change, it may be a sign to reassess your situation.

3. Establish Boundaries

It seems like your role in your husband’s family has been more of a caretaker and less of a partner. Establishing clear boundaries is essential for your well-being:

Communicate Your Needs: Have a candid conversation with your husband about your need for space and independence.
Limit Involvement: If you feel overwhelmed by family obligations, it’s okay to step back and prioritize your own mental health.

4. Seek Support

Isolation can exacerbate feelings of depression. Here are some avenues for support:

Friends and Family: Reach out to trusted friends or family members who can provide emotional support.
Support Groups: Look for local or online support groups for individuals in similar situations.
Professional Help: A therapist can help you navigate your feelings and provide coping strategies.

5. Consider Your Options

When contemplating leaving your marriage, it’s essential to explore your options thoroughly:

Financial Independence: Assess your financial situation and consider ways to improve your financial stability. This might involve seeking additional work, budgeting more effectively, or exploring community resources.
Legal Advice: If you decide to leave, consult with a legal professional to understand your rights and any implications of divorce.

6. Create a Plan

If you choose to leave, creating a plan can help you feel more in control:

Set Goals: Outline your immediate and long-term goals, such as finding a new place to live or securing a new job.
Build a Support Network: Identify people who can help you during this transition.
Self-Care: Prioritize activities that promote your well-being, such as exercise, hobbies, and relaxation techniques.

7. Embrace Change

Leaving a marriage can be daunting, but it can also be a path to personal growth and healing. Embrace the possibility of a new beginning. Surround yourself with positivity and remind yourself that you deserve happiness and fulfillment.

Conclusion

Remember, seeking help is not a sign of weakness; it shows your commitment to your well-being. You have the right to pursue a life that brings you joy and peace. Take one step at a time, and know that you are not alone in this journey.

If you ever feel in immediate danger or have thoughts of self-harm, please contact a crisis hotline or emergency services in your area. Your safety and well-being are the top priority.

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