I’m honestly no better at keeping up. I grew up with a mom who was a neat freak and very image-conscious, which made me hate chores as a kid (even though, in hindsight, they weren’t excessive). I try hard to do better now and have even invested in organizational systems to make things easier.Here’s the issue: I refuse to do more than he’s willing to do. If he doesn’t clean the kitchen after dinner, I’m not going to keep being the one to pick up the slack. We rotate cleanup, but his version leaves behind anything that needs hand-washing, dirty countertops, floors, and a messy stovetop. Then, for the rest of the day, he acts smug and sighs at me like he’s done the lion’s share.He gets home 1–2 hours before me, but we still eat too much takeout because he prefers to watch Jeopardy instead of cooking. Our weekends are spent catching up on all the things we didn’t do during the week, and the only time he shows real motivation is in the frantic hours before someone comes over to visit.We both work full-time, and while burnout is real, our jobs aren’t more demanding than the average household’s. We’re recently empty nesters now (I was a young single mom when we met and couldn’t keep up with chores back then, either).I’ve repeatedly suggested that we spend 30 minutes to an hour every day tackling something, but he only agrees to shut me up and has no intention of following through. He’s a sensitive and kind person, though not particularly energetic. Meanwhile, I feel embarrassed and sad about our messy lifestyle, probably because of the shame my mom ingrained in me growing up.How can I break this cycle? Should I just give up and do it all myself?

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Kaydence Marmaduke

I’m honestly no better at keeping up. I grew up with a mom who was a neat freak and very image-conscious, which made me hate chores as a kid (even though, in hindsight, they weren’t excessive). I try hard to do better now and have even invested in organizational systems to make things easier.Here’s the issue: I refuse to do more than he’s willing to do. If he doesn’t clean the kitchen after dinner, I’m not going to keep being the one to pick up the slack. We rotate cleanup, but his version leaves behind anything that needs hand-washing, dirty countertops, floors, and a messy stovetop. Then, for the rest of the day, he acts smug and sighs at me like he’s done the lion’s share.He gets home 1–2 hours before me, but we still eat too much takeout because he prefers to watch Jeopardy instead of cooking. Our weekends are spent catching up on all the things we didn’t do during the week, and the only time he shows real motivation is in the frantic hours before someone comes over to visit.We both work full-time, and while burnout is real, our jobs aren’t more demanding than the average household’s. We’re recently empty nesters now (I was a young single mom when we met and couldn’t keep up with chores back then, either).I’ve repeatedly suggested that we spend 30 minutes to an hour every day tackling something, but he only agrees to shut me up and has no intention of following through. He’s a sensitive and kind person, though not particularly energetic. Meanwhile, I feel embarrassed and sad about our messy lifestyle, probably because of the shame my mom ingrained in me growing up.How can I break this cycle? Should I just give up and do it all myself?

a month ago

Breaking the cycle of household chores and establishing a more balanced approach to cleaning can be challenging, especially when both partners have different levels of motivation and expectations. Here are some strategies that may help you navigate this situation:

1. Open Communication

Start by having an open and honest conversation with your husband about your feelings regarding the current state of household chores. Use “I” statements to express how you feel without sounding accusatory. For example:

I feel overwhelmed when I see the kitchen left messy after dinner.
I feel embarrassed when guests come over and the house isn’t clean.

This approach can help him understand your perspective without putting him on the defensive.

2. Establish Clear Expectations

It might be beneficial to establish a clear set of expectations for cleaning tasks. You could create a chore chart that outlines what needs to be done and who is responsible for each task. This visual aid can help both of you stay accountable. For example:

Monday: Clean the kitchen (Person A) and vacuum the living room (Person B)
Tuesday: Dust surfaces (Person A) and clean bathrooms (Person B)

By having defined responsibilities, it becomes easier to see who is doing what, and it may prompt him to step up his efforts.

3. Set a Routine

Creating a regular cleaning schedule can help both of you manage your time better. Consider dedicating 30 minutes each evening after dinner to tackle specific areas of the house together. You could set a timer and make it a game to see how much you can accomplish in that time. This can also make the task feel less overwhelming.

4. Find Common Ground

Since both of you enjoy watching Jeopardy, you might consider turning cleaning into an activity you do while watching your favorite shows. For instance, you could clean during commercial breaks or during the show, making it a fun and engaging routine.

5. Acknowledge Efforts

Recognizing each other’s efforts, no matter how small, can foster a more positive environment. When he does contribute—no matter how imperfectly—acknowledge it. For example, say:

Thank you for washing the dishes tonight! It really helped.
I appreciate you taking the time to clean the countertops!

6. Consider Professional Help

If it fits within your budget, you might consider hiring a professional cleaning service for deep cleaning once a month. This can alleviate some of the burden and provide a fresh start. It can also serve as motivation for both of you to maintain the cleanliness between professional visits.

7. Reflect on Your Values

Lastly, it’s important to reflect on why cleanliness is significant to you. Understanding that your feelings stem from your upbringing can help you approach the situation with more compassion for yourself and your husband. It might also be helpful to discuss this with him, so he understands the emotional weight behind your desire for a cleaner home.

Conclusion

Ultimately, the goal is to create a partnership where both of you feel comfortable and accountable. It’s not about doing everything perfectly but about finding a balance that works for both of you. Remember, it’s okay to express your needs and seek a fair distribution of chores. With patience and collaboration, you can break this cycle and create a more harmonious living environment.

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