I (39M) have been married to my wife (37F) for 12 years after dating for 3 years. Our relationship was full of fun, adventures, cuddles, and shared goals for building a life together. However, over the last 4 years, things have changed drastically, and it’s become increasingly difficult for me to handle, despite my efforts to address it. We have three young children, all under 10, who are very happy and active with various activities. Our family time is decent, and we enjoy trips together as a family, both for weekends and vacations. Both of us have good jobs, which should make life easier, but it doesn’t feel that way for me anymore. Since the birth of our last child, our relationship has been strained. We went through months of fighting, stemming from issues related to her past and a previous relationship. While I knew about it, something recently came up that shed new light on things, throwing me off. She tried to fix this by being more intimate, but even after months of trying new communication strategies to rejuvenate our relationship, things haven’t improved. Our life is chaotic with all the family activities, and though we divide household duties well, I can’t shake this feeling of resentment. I try to be supportive—running errands, cooking, meal prepping, and even shopping—but lately, it feels like I’m doing everything. She bakes for holidays, but that's about it. We don’t spend time together anymore. She often retreats to her office after the kids are in bed and doesn’t help with picking up. She just piles the dishes in the sink, and though I end up cleaning them, we used to keep things tidier throughout the day. Most nights, she’s either working or scrolling through social media while I do the housework. If I manage to carve out some time for myself, she makes snarky comments. And as for intimacy, it's rare—about once a quarter—and if I don’t show interest, she gets angry. I’m constantly rejected, yet when I try to address it, she shuts down or turns the conversation around to make me feel guilty. I’ve had these conversations many times, and I’m always the one apologizing, even when I don’t feel like I should. To make things worse, she often talks about how grateful she is that I help out so much, especially when she hears complaints from her friends. But when I go on guys' trips, I find out that they’re getting laid regularly, which is frustrating and painful to hear. I’m feeling underappreciated, unloved, and just plain disconnected. I can’t help but worry about what the next 20 years of marriage will look like if things don’t change. Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do to fix it, or should I just face the fact that the relationship may not be salvageable? TL;DR: My wife seems to undervalue me and refuses to make any effort to improve things. Our relationship has deteriorated over time with little to no change. I’m seeking advice on how to curb the resentment long-term or if I’m simply stuck.

No products in cart

Ai Content Generator

Ai Picture

Tell Your Story

Randolph Matt

I (39M) have been married to my wife (37F) for 12 years after dating for 3 years. Our relationship was full of fun, adventures, cuddles, and shared goals for building a life together. However, over the last 4 years, things have changed drastically, and it’s become increasingly difficult for me to handle, despite my efforts to address it. We have three young children, all under 10, who are very happy and active with various activities. Our family time is decent, and we enjoy trips together as a family, both for weekends and vacations. Both of us have good jobs, which should make life easier, but it doesn’t feel that way for me anymore. Since the birth of our last child, our relationship has been strained. We went through months of fighting, stemming from issues related to her past and a previous relationship. While I knew about it, something recently came up that shed new light on things, throwing me off. She tried to fix this by being more intimate, but even after months of trying new communication strategies to rejuvenate our relationship, things haven’t improved. Our life is chaotic with all the family activities, and though we divide household duties well, I can’t shake this feeling of resentment. I try to be supportive—running errands, cooking, meal prepping, and even shopping—but lately, it feels like I’m doing everything. She bakes for holidays, but that's about it. We don’t spend time together anymore. She often retreats to her office after the kids are in bed and doesn’t help with picking up. She just piles the dishes in the sink, and though I end up cleaning them, we used to keep things tidier throughout the day. Most nights, she’s either working or scrolling through social media while I do the housework. If I manage to carve out some time for myself, she makes snarky comments. And as for intimacy, it's rare—about once a quarter—and if I don’t show interest, she gets angry. I’m constantly rejected, yet when I try to address it, she shuts down or turns the conversation around to make me feel guilty. I’ve had these conversations many times, and I’m always the one apologizing, even when I don’t feel like I should. To make things worse, she often talks about how grateful she is that I help out so much, especially when she hears complaints from her friends. But when I go on guys' trips, I find out that they’re getting laid regularly, which is frustrating and painful to hear. I’m feeling underappreciated, unloved, and just plain disconnected. I can’t help but worry about what the next 20 years of marriage will look like if things don’t change. Has anyone been through something like this? What did you do to fix it, or should I just face the fact that the relationship may not be salvageable? TL;DR: My wife seems to undervalue me and refuses to make any effort to improve things. Our relationship has deteriorated over time with little to no change. I’m seeking advice on how to curb the resentment long-term or if I’m simply stuck.

a month ago

It sounds like you’re going through a very challenging time in your marriage, and it's understandable to feel overwhelmed and disconnected. Relationships, especially those with children involved, can experience significant strain due to various factors such as stress, communication breakdowns, and differing expectations. Here are some insights and suggestions that might help you navigate this difficult period.

Understanding the Dynamics

First, it’s essential to recognize that many couples go through phases where one partner may feel undervalued or neglected. This can happen for several reasons:

Stress and Parenting: The demands of parenting, especially with three young children, can lead to exhaustion and a focus on daily tasks rather than nurturing the relationship.
Communication Issues: As you mentioned, attempts to communicate your feelings often lead to defensiveness or guilt. This can create a cycle of resentment if not addressed.
Past Relationships: Your wife's past may be influencing her current behavior and emotional availability, which can complicate the dynamics.

Strategies for Improvement

Here are some strategies that may help you improve your situation:

1. Open a Dialogue

Consider setting aside time for an uninterrupted conversation. Choose a moment when both of you are calm and not preoccupied with daily stressors. Use "I" statements to express your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example:

Instead of: "You never help with the dishes!"
Try: "I feel overwhelmed when I handle the dishes alone after a long day."

2. Seek Professional Help

Couples therapy can provide a safe space for both of you to express your feelings and work on communication. A therapist can help facilitate difficult conversations and introduce strategies for reconnecting.

3. Create a Shared Vision

Revisit your shared goals and dreams. What did you both want when you first got together? Creating a family vision board or writing down goals can help both of you reconnect with your shared purpose.

4. Prioritize Quality Time

Even amidst a busy schedule, it’s crucial to carve out time for each other. This could be as simple as a weekly date night, even if it’s at home after the kids are asleep. The key is to engage in activities that foster connection, such as:

Cooking together
Watching a movie or series you both enjoy
Taking walks or exercising together

5. Establish Boundaries and Responsibilities

It sounds like you have a good division of household duties, but it may be helpful to revisit this. Sit down together and write out responsibilities, ensuring both partners feel equally involved. This can reduce feelings of resentment.

6. Focus on Intimacy

Intimacy is a critical part of any marriage. If intimacy has dwindled, consider discussing ways to reconnect physically and emotionally. This doesn’t always have to be sexual; intimacy can be about closeness, affection, and spending quality time together.

Self-Care and Reflection

While working on your relationship, don’t forget to care for yourself. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, whether it’s a hobby, exercise, or spending time with friends. This can help alleviate some of the resentment and frustration you’re feeling.

Long-Term Considerations

If after trying these strategies you still feel unappreciated and unloved, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship. Sometimes, couples grow apart, and that’s a natural part of life. If both partners are not willing to put in the effort to improve, it may be time to consider what that means for your future together.

Conclusion

It’s clear that you care deeply about your marriage and your family. Change takes time, and both partners must be willing to engage in the process. By addressing these issues head-on and seeking to understand each other’s perspectives, you can work towards a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.

Remember, you’re not alone in this; many couples face similar struggles, and reaching out for support is a positive step forward.

User Comments

There are no more blogs to show

Home Shop Groups