It's clear from your description that you're both invested in your relationship and trying to navigate the complexities that come with long-term partnerships. The challenges you're facing are not uncommon, and it's essential to approach them with empathy and understanding from both sides.

First, let's consider your approach to resolving issues. Your tendency to research and seek external advice can be a constructive way to gain new perspectives. Many individuals find solace in reading articles or listening to podcasts, as these resources often provide insights and strategies that can be beneficial in navigating relationship dynamics. For example, Psychology Today offers various articles on enhancing communication and understanding in relationships, which could be valuable for both of you.

However, it's also important to recognize that your partner may feel threatened or undermined by this approach. When he expresses discomfort with your research, it could stem from a feeling that his input and perspectives are being sidelined. For many, discussing issues openly and collaboratively is vital to feeling valued and respected within the relationship. You mentioned that he perceives your research as a sign that you'd rather seek answers from others than engage with him directly. This sentiment can lead to feelings of inadequacy and frustration.

To bridge this gap, consider the following strategies:

• Open Dialogue: Create a safe space for both of you to express your feelings about how you handle conflict. You might say something like, "I value your insights, and I want to ensure we’re both on the same page. How do you feel about the way I seek out solutions?” This could help him understand your intentions and allow him to share his perspective more openly.
• Set Boundaries for Research: Discuss when and how you both feel it’s appropriate to seek external advice. Perhaps you can agree on a specific time frame after discussing an issue before you turn to research. This way, he may feel more involved in the initial problem-solving process.
• Collaborative Research: Instead of researching independently, consider suggesting that you explore resources together. This can foster teamwork and ensure that both voices are heard equally. You might say, "Let’s look into this together. I think we could both benefit from learning more about how to navigate this issue." This approach can help him feel included and valued.
• Focus on Emotional Support: Sometimes, partners may just want to feel heard rather than seek solutions immediately. Try to prioritize emotional support by actively listening to his feelings about the issues at hand without jumping straight to solutions. You could say, "I want to hear how you feel about this before we figure out what to do." This can help him feel validated.

As for the question of whether the issue lies with you or your partner, it’s likely a mixture of both perspectives. Emotional maturity in relationships involves understanding and accommodating each other's needs and communication styles. If your partner struggles with compromise or emotional expression, it might be beneficial for him to explore these areas, potentially through counseling or self-reflection. You could suggest resources, but frame them as tools for mutual growth rather than a critique of his current approach.

Ultimately, navigating these challenges requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt. By fostering open communication and mutual support, you can work towards strengthening your connection and finding solutions that feel right for both of you.