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I (28F) and my partner (35M) have two school-age daughters and have been together for over 10 years. Recently, I found out that he went through my phone. I discovered this when I was looking through his photos for a picture of our dog and accidentally saw photos of my conversations. Since I’m from another country, I speak my first language with family and friends, and he took pictures of these conversations and translated them using Google. I didn’t have anything to hide, so it didn’t initially worry me, but I was upset because he never asked for my permission, and many of these conversations were private, with family and friends sharing very personal things. Feeling upset, I decided to go through his phone to see if he had been doing anything similar, and what I found was shocking. He’s been saying terrible things about me to everyone. He’s talked badly about me to his family, including my mother-in-law and his cousins. For example, he told them I wasn’t helpful during house renovations—this was during lockdown, with a 2-year-old and 6-month-old who was exclusively breastfeeding at the time. I also found that he had sent a picture I had asked him to take of me while we were out on a trip. I had asked him to take a photo of me capturing the mountains and hills, and even though I didn’t feel like getting out of the car, he encouraged me to do so. I love photography, and I’m pretty good at it. I posted the picture on social media, but he sent it to his cousin, along with negative comments about me. He made it seem like I had asked him to stop and take the photo of me, which wasn’t true at all. What upset me even more was discovering that he kept naked photos of a woman he used to work with. She had been sending nudes to everyone at his work, including him. The pictures were from years ago, with some dating back four years, and he had videos too. He claimed he had forgotten about them but still kept them in an email account I didn’t know existed. I believe this woman might have sent them herself, as she’s known locally for doing so. He keeps apologizing and claiming it was all just “banter,” but I don’t believe him. I’ve told him to move out because I don’t think I can trust him anymore.

a month ago
44

It sounds like you are navigating a deeply troubling situation that has raised significant concerns about trust and respect in your relationship. The actions of your partner, from going through your private conversations to sharing negative comments about you with others, are serious breaches of trust that warrant careful consideration.

First, it’s important to address the issue of privacy. Your partner’s decision to go through your phone without your consent is a violation of your personal space and privacy. Trust is built on mutual respect, and when one partner feels entitled to invade the other’s privacy, it creates a toxic dynamic. As you mentioned, you had nothing to hide; however, this doesn’t justify his actions. You deserve to have your private conversations with family and friends respected.

Furthermore, the fact that he translated your private conversations using Google without your permission adds another layer of betrayal. This could lead to misunderstandings, especially if nuances in language and context are lost in translation. It’s understandable that you felt upset upon discovering this.

When you decided to look through his phone and found disparaging comments he made about you, it must have been incredibly painful. It’s particularly hurtful that he shared these negative remarks with your family members, including your mother-in-law. This not only undermines your relationship with him but could also affect your relationship with your in-laws, creating an unnecessary rift.

The incident regarding the photo he took of you during your trip is another example of his lack of respect. It’s disheartening that a moment you cherished and shared on social media was twisted into a negative narrative behind your back. This behavior suggests a pattern of undermining your confidence and portraying you in a negative light, which is damaging to your self-esteem and the foundation of your relationship.

Moreover, the discovery of the naked photos of a former colleague raises serious questions about boundaries and fidelity. Even if he claims to have forgotten about them, the fact that he kept them in an email account indicates a lack of accountability. It’s understandable that you feel betrayed; keeping such images, regardless of the context, can be perceived as a lack of respect for your relationship and your feelings.

His repeated apologies and claims that it was all just “banter” can feel dismissive, especially given the gravity of the situation. Apologies should come with a recognition of the harm caused and a commitment to change behavior, not just a blanket statement that downplays your feelings. A healthy relationship requires open and honest communication, where both partners feel safe expressing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment or ridicule.

Given these circumstances, it’s entirely reasonable for you to feel that you can no longer trust him. Trust is not easily rebuilt once it has been broken, and it requires consistent effort, transparency, and a willingness to address underlying issues. You’ve already taken a significant step by expressing your desire for him to move out, which indicates your need for space to evaluate the situation.

Consider seeking support from friends, family, or even a therapist who can help you navigate your feelings and the next steps in your relationship. It’s essential to prioritize your well-being and that of your children as you work through these challenges. Remember, you deserve a partner who respects your privacy, uplifts you, and communicates openly.

Ultimately, the decision on how to move forward rests with you. Take the time you need to reflect on what you want and what you believe is best for you and your daughters.

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